"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

mamafox08 posted 4/25/2013 17:33 PM

I'm looking for advice. 6 years ago this September I was engaged to my now husband and I had a one time affair with his sisters husband. I felt horrible immediately and told my now husband and through a lot of work have moved on. The four of us each of children now and it's something the 3 of us never speak of. Well my brother in law never told his wife. And about a month and a half ago her and I went out by ourselves and I had way too many drinks and somehow I let the cat out of the bag. Well, she has now put a lot of "rules" on our lives- such as I can't be at any family functions and I can't take my son to his baseball practices or go to his games (our children play for same league). We have not spoken since that evening. I know it was wrong and 6 years ago. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do or say to her? Or should I just continue to let us all be cut out of each others lives?

Aubrie posted 4/25/2013 17:59 PM

So you have been lying to your sister in law for 6 years. And you can''t understand her horror? Who''s bright idea was it to leave her out of the loop and why was that a good idea? She was betrayed after all. Shouldn''t she have a say in her life?

What if it was you? Wouldn't you be horrified to know that three people knew the truth and lied all these years?

Its all swell that you and your husband have recovered. But to your sister in law....this is a new betrayal. Be kind. Be respectful.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 6:01 PM, April 25th, 2013 (Thursday)]

UnexpectedSong posted 4/25/2013 18:01 PM

Ah, that sucks. I think you should be able to go to the games, just sit far away. As for family functions, I would stay away, concede to her wishes.

For her, the affair just happened and there was betrayal for 6 years. She now feels (and correctly) that all your interactions with her have been a lie. So, it's not "6 years ago" for her.

How is your H handling this?

mamafox08 posted 4/25/2013 18:01 PM

I didn't say I can't understand her horror. I'm just asking for help on what to do or say to her. That's all. Ultimately it was her husband and her mothers idea to leave her out of the loop. Everyone did know but her and I was told not to tell her. I should have and I understand that.

mamafox08 posted 4/25/2013 18:04 PM

@UnexpectedSong After the incident of her finding out. my H handled it the best that he could. He was the one who his sister laid out all these "rules" to. Not only all of that but she then asked for everything back that she had let us borrow for our foster son who is a baby. I understand that in her mind it all just happened....but that is not right...

mamafox08 posted 4/25/2013 18:46 PM

Now that a little time has passed since she found out should I attempt to talk to her....?

Aubrie posted 4/25/2013 18:54 PM

As long as your child has a bed, clothes, diapers, and method of nourishment, he'll be ok.

Is it fair that she took back all her stuff? Probably not. I mean, she did say you could borrow it, etc. etc. However, she just found out not only is her husband a lying cheater, not only did everyone else in the family know, but he cheated with a family member, you. That's a double betrayal.

It may not seem fair to you that all the baby stuff is gone. But as long as the immediate needs of your child are cared for, let it go. It is a consequence of your actions. Maybe it's been 6 years in the making, but here it is.

As far as the kids games, sit at the other end. Is there a different league your kids can join? Find out. Make a switch if you have to. You can argue that it's not fair to the kids. And it's not. But sadly, our kids suffer. They will have to make changes that they may not understand because of our crappy choices.

And I wouldn't approach her. She is still reeling. It's only been a month and a half right? She's still in shock.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 6:55 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

mamafox08 posted 4/25/2013 19:06 PM

Why should I be the one to switch my child's sports league? She is the one that has the issue with me so if she doesn't want me there- then she should switch. And, I'm not asking for that. She asks that my son be dropped off at family functions but not me. I will not allow my son to be around them if I am not allowed to be there.

mamafox08 posted 4/25/2013 19:19 PM

What is most aggravating is the fact that in everyone's eyes I am the only one who did anything wrong 6 years ago. But, yet I'm the only one who was honest with my spouse...

UnexpectedSong posted 4/25/2013 19:39 PM

Actually, you are the Other Woman. I think she has every right to ask that you switch. It does not matter who else others should think have done wrong. You did have the affair with her H. It is her prerogative to have her family circle wagons around her.

Do you know why you had your affair? How did it happen?

Aubrie posted 4/25/2013 19:40 PM

She is the one that has the issue with me

Ummm, I think she has a very legitimate reason to have an "issue" with you. And I think she is within her rights to refuse to be in contact with you.

She asks that my son be dropped off at family functions but not me. I will not allow my son to be around them if I am not allowed to be there.

If that is your boundary, then that is your boundary. I wouldn't drop my kids off without me in such a difficult situation. However, I wouldn't be expecting to go prancing into the family function like everything was hunky dory either.

What is most aggravating is the fact that in everyone's eyes I am the only one who did anything wrong 6 years ago. But, yet I'm the only one who was honest with my spouse...

Who is "everyone"? Does it matter what other people think?

Congratulations. You were honest with your spouse. But him only. Your sister in law had every right in the world to know what her husband was doing. Nobody felt the need to inform her so that she could make choices in regards to her life. Everyone made the choice for her. I'd be pretty pissed about that too if it was me.

I'm trying to be kind here. But you inching towards pulling the victim card. You aren't a victim. You made these choices. You have sidestepped disaster for 6 years. Your lies have caught up with you.

You screwed up. Your affair partner screwed up. You face fall out. Your affair partner may or may not. Is it fair it he doesn't? Doesn't matter. You screwed up. You face the consequences. Your husband and children will have to face them too. They are victims of your choices.

Let me as you this. Would you have ever told your sister in law if you'd never gotten drunk? Why or why not?

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 7:40 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

mamafox08 posted 4/25/2013 19:50 PM

I know that I am not the victim here. I understand that completely. But, I am not the only one who did anything wrong here either. I should have told her yes. But, at that point I was not a member of the family. I was told if I said anything that I would ruin "their" family.

Why and how did it happen?

Her husband (they were married for a year) called me while I was at work regarding a newspaper (I worked for a newspaper at the time) I took him the newspaper and then he came on to me and then it went from there. I was young and it was honestly a moment of opportunity. Someone wanted me. I felt wanted. It felt great to be wanted by someone other than my fiancé (now husband) I initially told her husband no...but then I gave in- I couldn't resist. My self-esteem was low and I felt great for that moment. Just that moment. I really don't think I would have told her otherwise...I'm not even sure what happened the night I was drunk or why I told her then.....I don't remember a thing...

Sienna500 posted 4/25/2013 21:05 PM

I'm not really going to give advice but, why do you keep saying you weren't the only one to do something wrong?

Aubrie posted 4/25/2013 21:59 PM

Excellent question Sienna.

Why are you so worried about not being the only one to do wrong in the situation? You point out several times that you fessed up 6 years ago. Only to your husband. Your AP/BIL's BS didn't get that same courtesy. So no. You still weren't being "honest". Doesn't matter if the general consensus was to keep it under wraps. It was still a lie. You have all lied to her. However, you are the only one that fucked her husband. Hence why you are the one facing the bulk of her wrath.

I don't feel that you really don't "get it" otherwise you wouldn't be so nit-picky and fussy about your sister-in-law. Your words here show no concern for her. Only how much her being angry is frustrating and inconveniencing you.

Do you live with SIL and BIL? You don't know what their lives are like right now. You don't know if your AP/BIL is "getting away" with it or not. She may be giving him hell. But you don't know that because you aren't there.

Whether he is or isn't, it is not your business when or if your AP/BIL faces fallout and inconvenience from his crappy behavior.

It felt great to be wanted by someone other than my fiancé

Why did you need his validation?

but then I gave in- I couldn't resist.

You could have resisted, but you didn't. Why?

mamafox08 posted 4/26/2013 07:28 AM

I don't think any of you quite understand what I was saying. By me saying I'm not the only one whondidnanything wrong is me saying that I was not the only one who was involved when I had sex with her husband. He was involved also. You are correct and I don't know how their lives are inside their house. I do know that though outside to everyone him ad I are not created equal. He is "allowed" to do and go whereve he pleases in regards to family functions and so forth.

None of that however was the point of my post. I was asking for help on how to deal with the situation now and how to approach her so that we can reconcile. Advice was all I wanted of those that maybe have been where I am and can offer any advice...

Aubrie posted 4/26/2013 08:10 AM

I understand completely. Here's what you don't seem to get. You are Public Enemy #1. Yes, you are one person in a two person affair. She is reeling, positively reeling with this news. All she knows is she loves her husband, hates him, wants him, wants to throw him away, and every other crazy emotion in between. All she knows is she needs to keep you away from her, her husband, and her kids.

You have had 6 years to process and heal from this. You're all well and good. You and your BS have worked thru it. Everything is happy in mamafox-land. Well guess what, your sister-in-law is in hell. A hell you helped create. So of course you are going to be shunned and kept out of family functions. And whether it seems fair to you or not, she is going to keep you out, and keep him attached to her hip so she can ensure that nothing else is going to happen.

I was asking for help on how to deal with the situation now and how to approach her so that we can reconcile.

Advice was given. You didn't like what you read. Look around this site. What is the #1 rule for WS? No contact with the affair partner or their families. Your situation is difficult because it's family. Will there be a day where she may come around? I have no idea. Maybe. But at a month and a half out??? You are out of your mind to think she's going to get over it so quickly. She wants NC (no contact) respect that. She doesn't want you near her family. Respect that.

If you think that people are going to waltz into this thread and say, "Honey, that woman is cray-cray. She needs to get over something that is long in the past and over with. You have been fine for 6 years. She needs to get her little hormonal self over the "issue" and start acting like an adult. Get over it already. Act civil. Accept you back with open arms. It's ancient history." I can guarantee you something mamafox. On SI, that is not going to happen.

There are sites out there that will sympathize with you. They will pat you on the head and tell you what you really want to hear. But here at SI, we will hold you accountable for your actions. It's called tough love. Because we care.

There's two sayings around here. One is, "Take what you need, leave the rest." The other is, "If something is said that angers you, stop. There's a reason buried there. Inspect it."

BaxtersBFF posted 4/26/2013 08:12 AM

To the point of your post, as you have asked, you probably won't be able to R with your SIL. She obviously doesn't want anything to do with you, she is fresh out of d-day, her H is probably lying a bit, you were drunk enough to not remember things when you told her about the A, and, and this is a big one, her whole family knew and didn't tell her.

You are the last person she will want to hear from. There will like be repercussions for the rest of the family as she continues to process these things.

Your H should be able to talk to her, but he betrayed her too by not informing her of the A.

R is between you and your H, not the rest of the family. If you and your H are R, then you present a united front. In this case, you and your H talk about your own boundaries and your own goals as a family. You keep to that and limit your exposure to people who don't support you. You keep friends of your M and you cut out people who aren't friends of the M.

In your case though, family is intertwined quite deeply. As others have stated, it doesn't matter what others think, but you still have the family to deal with. Quite honestly, they are going to side with your SIL. They all betrayed her, she is reeling, and there is a bit of crazy going on which is completely normal for a freshly minted BS. They are going to support her, not you. This is where the difficulty comes in with your H. He is direct family too. But since he betrayed her by not telling her 6 years ago, he is likely going to have to go along with some of his sisters rules.

To the rules, they may seem very extreme, but part of that is because you've been operating "normally" for six years, lying to her for six years, deceiving her every day of her life by creating the web of false reality. Her reaction is what it is. Are they extreme? Sure, a bit. Are they normal? Yes.

I would have your H talk with your SIL about things like the games and practices. I don't think you should have to move leagues (just my opinion). I also don't think you should drop your child off at family function. This is where the united front idea comes in, and IMO, the united front is that you and your H and kids stop attending family functions for a while. As the SIL processes and begins to heal, you will probably be able to come back into the family fold, but you need to be prepared to wait for a couple years.

Anyway, don't talk to your SIL. She wants nothing to do with you right now.

And, we do get it. We have been where you are right now, with some differences...so all of the "non-to-the-point" stuff which has been brought up is very relevant to you and your situation even though it isn't what you are specifically asking for. We tend to read between the lines a lot here, and for the most part, when you have a bunch of people telling you the same thing, you might need to consider that they know what they are talking about.

SandAway posted 4/26/2013 08:25 AM

Wow, this is a tough situation.

How does you husband feel about all of this? Is he in complete agreement with his sister about the games/practices as well as family functions?

I agree that all this is new to you SIL and she is in complete shock that people she trusted - her own family - decided to keep this from her.

Since the season has started for your son, I would suggest that you and your H sit as far away from her at games as you can. If it's possible, perhaps next year you can request a different team so they aren't on the same team.

You asked about contacting you SIL - you can try. She is still in shock and is trying to digest it all. You could say that you are there when she is ready to talk. She does eventually have to deal with the situation as you are part of the family. Her brother, your BS is also part of the family. Maybe he needs to suggest a family meeting where they can all discuss how to handle this situation for future family functions.

SandAway posted 4/26/2013 08:30 AM

cross posted with BaxtersBFF - GREAT advice right there...

She-Ra posted 4/26/2013 09:07 AM

Hi mamafox

Baxterbff made some good points and advice for you. I think one day your SIL will want to speak with you again but you must be prepared for it to get worse before it would get better. Like others have mentioned, you've had 6 years to process but she's only had 6 weeks to process that her husband is a lying cheater. He is not off the hook at home, he has a lot of damage control and I hope he's doing his best to help his betrayed wife who is freshly hurt.

My advice to you.. Take this time of no contact with your SIL to think of ways that would help her want to reconcile with you. Perhaps it will be years or maybe a few months. In the meantime work on remorse. First off, get that chip off your shoulder. Stop thinking about yourself for a minute and sit in her shoes. Feel her pain. Imagine it was you. Shed some real tears for the hurt you have caused her family. Don't let your thoughts drift into your BiL. This part of the healing is not about his secret. It's just about you and feeling her pain. In the one day that you speak with her, picture the real apologies you need to make. Never mention that it was sooooo long ago. That is irrelevant to her. Don't minimize her feelings or make it seem not as bad. Justify her feelings as they are and no one can control her timeline for her hurt.

In the one day you speak to her again, embrace that opportunity. Don't talk about what's fair or who else is at fault. Keep visualizing... Think of this time as what is required to help her process. Now she is likely to have a lot of anger towards you when that one day comes that she does speak to you. Don't deflect or get defensive. If she gets verbally abusive, be calm and ask her to not speak to you that way but don't yell back. Be sincere and genuine with your apologies and that you want to reconcile with her.

Please take my advice as just the beginning. Please read around this website and in the just found out section to get a sense of what your SIL is feeling. I wish you luck and patience