[This message edited by inlove67 at 6:18 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]
It''s not a marriage license/piece of paper that will decide if you want to R or not. Only you know if this is a deal-breaker for you. The biggest question is: "are you willing to eat a shit sandwich for this person?" Because R is like eating a shit sand which while on a roller coaster. There are many, many people here who have answered yes to that question.
Figure out what you need (requirements for R) that will help you feel safe while you try to come to terms with what has happened to you in your relationship. From the experience of those who have gone before us most of us find we need some basic things: NC, transparency, passwords/access to email accounts & phone, IC for both of you, MC now or later, remorse on the part of the WS,open & honest conversations about the A, answering questions about the A, patience & willingness on the part of the WS.
More will come along to give more helpful insight, including anything I may have forgotten.
[This message edited by Knowing at 6:23 AM, April 26th, 2013 (Friday)]
We are in R.
I think that people lean towards telling unmarried people to head for the hills because that might have been the one thing tethering them to an otherwise "escapable" situation.
I'd tell you to cut your losses if he's not doing his utmost to reconcile. (Remorse, complete truth, complete transparency...)
We're here to help, not judge. We just want you to be in the healthiest place possible.
“I can see the sun, but even if I cannot see the sun, I know that it exists. And to know that the sun is there - that is living.” - Dostoyevsky
Unfortunately though, this has made not being married more of a trigger for me, thinking he didnt love me enough to marry me and wonder if I were to give up and let OW have him, would they rush off and get married. She is pushing for it, always talking about it with my WH
And she has been able to use it against me, asking me one time why we never got married, I was totally caught off guard and didnt come up with any defense until later.
Only you can make the choice to fight for your relationship or not, to give him a second chance or not. We love who we love, faults and all.
He has brought this mess into your lives and he has to fix it, he has to be able to work just as hard as you are willing to to make it work
Best of luck
PS I am a displaced Boston Babe
[This message edited by girlsbird at 7:00 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]
I read your other post in which you said your relationship had a lot of problems. Those problems are not as reason to cheat. Do not let him use that excuse. He needs to get healthy, get to the root of his own issues and the two of you need to work on the relationship.
You are young. Do not settle for him if he is not willing rt o do the heavy lifting of R.
But, often, a piece of paper does make things more complicated. I think that's where a lot of the "run for the hills!" stuff comes from. Because often - not always, as other posters on this thread have pointed out - the piece of paper has brought into the situation things like kids, real estate, finances, etc. Those things aren't a reason to stay - they just might tip the balance in a situation where the decision is really hard to make.
Anyway, it is understandable if you want to reconcile. Of course it is. No one can tell you that it is OK or not OK. I'm also a believe that, with some cheaters - those who show immense remorse and hard work - are no more dangerous than a new partner. Look at the cheating stats. It is everywhere, marriage or no marriage. So do what feels right for you based on the actions he is showing.
Well, let me just say the only reason I even considered R is for my two kids. If not for them, I would have been DONE. I don't know your story, but I do know 2 years in is still plenty of time to see the warning signs and make a clean break. If you are already having problems and don't have the stress if mortgage payments and kids, it does NOT get easier! Those things add strain to the best relationships. If he can't handle things now and you stuck with him, there is a good chance he will bail when things get tough.
Regardless of what you choose to do, I would recommend on awesome and fun series on marriage and communication. It will help you in future relationships if not this one. I wish WH and I would have had it before we married.
Mark Gunger's Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage. And Chapman's Five Love Languages is good too
[This message edited by sri624 at 11:08 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]
I suppose I will figure this out some day...it just hurts now.
Is he in counseling? Are you? It sounds like it would be beneficial for both of you. In my case, IC was a requirement for R. Think about what your requirments are and what the consequences are if they are not met. Once the two of you are healthy individuals, then couples counseling could help with the relationship issues you have.
The worst thing you can do is rugsweep, ignore, and continue on. If nothing changes, nothing changes and his behavior will be just wash/rinse/repeat.
Unbeknownst to me, my H had an affair 13 years prior to the one I found out about. I didn't have the choice to force changes to something didn't know about; but if we had, I don't believe the 2nd A would have happened.