"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

IGaveItMyAll posted 4/25/2013 19:43 PM

So our Wedding A is coming up in 2 months. I have been dealing with the feeling like its just not the same. I don't even want to celebrate it. Anyone else feel like this??? How did it go???

I told my WW how I was feeling. I know she has been wanting to write new vows for me and had told me on multiple occasions how sorry she was for breaking our wedding vows. She wanted to renew our vows but I am not quite ready for that. So she asked if we could write new vows and go somewhere nice and read them to each other. I kind of liked that idea. Opinions Please...

SoVerySadNow posted 4/25/2013 20:36 PM

D-day was Labor Day weekend, plus week. The anniversary came mid December- we skipped it.

heforgotme posted 4/26/2013 00:14 AM

If you think that would work for you, I say go for it. I don't think it would work for me at all.

I'm hoping we get some more ideas here. WH started the A within 1-2 days of our 20th anniversary, so this year should be a real treat. Ours is coming up in 2 months as well. It makes me feel panicky just thinking about it.

Hearthache again posted 4/26/2013 00:20 AM

Our anniversaries are not like they use to be. I don't really celebrate the day. I recognize another year married when we hit that month. I refer to it as Aug. instead of the date.

My H broke our vows by sleeping with the OW at the park we had our reception at. My memories are always going to be clouded by that fact so why celebrate that day when it brings up bad memories.

I still mourn that I do not have a day to celebrate my anniversary on. It is the only thing about his A's that still brings tears to my eyes.

You do what is right for you and your recovery. If you have a truly remorseful spouse they will respect whatever you choose to do.

flup posted 4/26/2013 00:21 AM

Same here... coming up the end of May - #24.

She keeps trying to make a big deal out of it, but I keep playing it down. I was the one to suggest renewing vows early on, but I'm not sure if I want to now. I did it once - why should I do it again? I'm not sure she's someone I'd want to marry again anyways...

I think, in your case, she needs to understand your point of view, and respect that. If it doesn't fit into what she thinks should happen - well, frankly, too bad. She's the one that is the root cause of all this, right?

IGaveItMyAll posted 4/26/2013 00:32 AM

Yeah I am having a hard time cause last year I was feeling her disconnection so I took her on this elaborate vacation for our anniversary to try and reconnect not knowing she was cheating on me. It was the next month I found out so I am a bit jaded about it. I still go back and forth if I want a new ring. I don't know I will sit on it for a few. Dig a bit deeper. I kind of been trying not to let this take anymore from me than it already has.... Trying

flup posted 4/26/2013 23:15 PM

The way I see it - If your vows weren't important enough for you to value and respect the first time around, why would I expect anything different the second time?

So - I don't think we will be renewing any vows anytime soon.

SisterMilkshake posted 4/27/2013 08:01 AM

So she asked if we could write new vows and go somewhere nice and read them to each other. I kind of liked that idea. Opinions Please..

That is exactly what we did, IGave. Our anniversary was about 6 weeks after d-day. We had been to a few MC sessions already. I felt this was a good idea and it was for us. We went out to a nice dinner, and then to a very nice romantic place for drinks and read each other our promises.

starstruck posted 4/27/2013 08:07 AM

If we had done this early on it would have felt like it meant something. I asked for this. I wanted WH to make the anniversary special. He didn't.
If the new vows feel right--do it. It will help with the reconnection.

Painfool posted 4/27/2013 08:13 AM

If you like the idea go for it

Our first wedding anniversary after D-day was only a couple of weeks after it so it was ignored by me (I actually forgot until fWH reminded me!). The next one we did something very low key- to be honest I can't really remember what we did!

This year it's our 10 year wedding anniversary and we are going on our first family holiday abroad, so will no doubt have a nice meal or something, but I look at it a bit differently to how I used to. fWH has mentioned renewing our vows, but I personally don't want to as I feel that we did it once and they clearly didn't stick for him, so... IDK. If it feels right for you, then go for it.

Alternatively, you could write something about how you feel about each other that wasn't defined as vows? Entirely up to you, but I like that your WW is respecting your opinion on this.

OptimisticWife posted 4/27/2013 08:14 AM

I was actually looking forward to our first anniversary after dday.

I knew in my heart at the time of our 15th anniversary that there was more to his EA than he admitted to. I felt so terrible on that anniversary because I felt like we were living a lie. Our M was a lie. It played on my mind so much that a few days later I called the OW and she confirmed my suspicions that the EA was indeed a PA. The next year was full as ups and downs and lots of hurting and healing. By the time our 16th Anniversary came around I was happy. I was excited for our planned weekend away. We wrote each other letters about what we each meant to each other and finished the letters off with new promises to each other. My promises to him reinforced my original wedding vows as I still believed in what I promised him that day, 16 years earlier. I did add a little more to them. He wrote his own promises and read them to me. We also had given each other our wedding bands to have engraved. We exchange our rings again and this time we told the other why we chose the words we had engraved on each others ring. It was emotional and beautiful.
For me, it was a new beginning. I don't think either of us really gave much thought to the vows we said on our wedding day. We just wanted to be married and the quicker the service could be over with the better as we both hate being center of attention.
I call our 16th our "sweet 16th". I loved it and I can't wait until our next anniversary to celebrate how strong we've become and how we have worked together to save that in which we both value. No OW is strong enough to tear us apart. She may have given us both a very painful wake up call but she is not enough. Our M still means more. I am grateful and proud of that fact and so is my H.

In saying all that, you have to do what you feel is right for you and for where you are in you stage of healing. Good luck and best wishes (((IGaveItMyAll)))