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Major setback - Poor Nora is a mess...

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NoraLee posted 4/25/2013 20:47 PM

My H just called from work. Cow took a new shift - he is now working with her EVERY Friday and Saturday night. He's been able to avoid her bar for months and months and I was still worried they'd run into each other during smoke breaks - but now EVERY WEEKEND!!! He keeps texting me and saying he loves me and wants nothing to do with her - he doesn't get it. Every Friday and Saturday I have to sit here knowing he's with her...I feel like I'm back in October before he found a way to avoid her...back when I was crying every night....I just can't catch a break...and now I'm mad at him for bringing....Grrr....HER into our marriage in the first place. God - I'm just devastated...and he can't avoid this bar - its the biggest money maker - her old bar he'd make maybe 10 bucks a week in tips - this one could cost a hundred or more....

How can I make him understand why this is so huge!!!!

NoraLee posted 4/25/2013 20:55 PM

And what's running through my mind over and over is he doesn't even hate her - the strongest he can come is contempt - is that enough?? R has been running so smoothly since January - I didn't need him to feel hate because he was completely no contact but now? Like I feel hate would offer me some protection but only contempt? Is it enough?

ItStillHurts posted 4/25/2013 20:57 PM

Indifference. The opposite of love is indifference or so says NJF.

Can't tell you, not there yet.

Eta: (((hugs)))

[This message edited by ItStillHurts at 8:59 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

broken81 posted 4/25/2013 21:01 PM

Maybe its not his feelings for her but his feelings for himself, you and what the two of you have together.
I cant predict what he feels or will or wont do but i can say I have read and understand you.

Lucky posted 4/25/2013 21:06 PM

To hate her would be to hate himself & the mirror image the EA represented, maybe he's not there yet?

Mr Lucky was the OW's GM - all I can really tell you is make sure he understands he is to text you, call you, take pics, and above ALL else you are free to wander in that bar at any damned time you wish.

Ten bucks in tips in a week? That blows - I'd have been long gone.

NoraLee posted 4/25/2013 21:19 PM

Thanks all - you've given me some things to think about...H has also said he feels indifferent - but later added contempt when I said indifference was closer to love than hate - damn - wish we'd read NJF - it's on our to do list...

To add some detail now that I'm a smidgen calmer - he's a breaker - he gives the bartenders their breaks - so he goes to all the bars - but her slow bar he would trade with another breaker for their one of their crappy bars - so no big deal - but this bar - he just can't skip it - and there's 5 bartenders at this bar - so he's there for a long time...and I admit - her knowing and seeing the lengths he was willing to go to avoid her sent a strong message to her and to me...and it was only a few weeks ago she went fishing telling a close coworker of my H that she missed his "friendship"....

Nogoingback posted 4/25/2013 21:39 PM

That must be so hard.
I am preparing for this in my future too when OW comes back from maternity leave and they are back working together.
I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I hear you and it makes me sad to think that you're at home feeling anxious whenever he goes to work and will run into her. You deserve not to worry. I totally get why it would be easier if they hated OW because I don't have that either and I feel like it would at least take the temptation away.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 4/25/2013 21:46 PM

((((Nora))) Damn that sucks big giant donkey balls. So now it's time to figure out if this is a deal breaker or not. Can you really live with this for an undetermined amount of time? I can only speak for myself but WH getting another job was the part of my needs in R. Well, he hasn't gotten one and he has squandered all his chances to be remorseful. I'm guessing it's different since your H is remorseful. Give yourself a timeline to reevaluate whether this will be ok with you. And you know that first night and the first few weeks will drain you. Prepare yourself. Surround yourself with what you need to keep you grounded. Discuss with your WH what you want in case she tries to break NC. Good luck. Remember, if you think this might be a deal breaker, communicate that to him.

NoraLee posted 4/25/2013 21:51 PM

You guys mean so much to me - knowing that you get it - I have fabulous people in real life that try hard to be there - but they can't understand like you guys do. I have credited SI and it's fabulous members for helping me heal - as much as my H's remorsefulness - thank you for understanding, and empathizing.

Jrazz posted 4/25/2013 21:54 PM


Gross, just gross. It sounds like your H is doing his utmost under the circumstances... but that doesn't make it any easier.

Big hugs.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/25/2013 22:00 PM


Lucky posted 4/25/2013 22:48 PM

Restaurants, bars especially, have a way of throwing people together.

You are going to be anxious - so make a plan for if, and she will, starts fishing. Decide ahead of time what conversation, if any, is allowed, since he breaks her I assume he must ask her what's going on, who's tabs are paid & open, who's drinking what, that kind of thing - other than that IF you have to have that much what else is ok? Have a conversation about what if she asks a personal question, inquires to "is he happy", comments on "missing the friendship" - he really needs to have responses ready.

Everyone told me that OW wouldn't give up easily and I was doubtful but went through the above w/ Mr Lucky who was certain I was nuts... low and behold she did all of the above including calling him because he was rude, curt, indifferent, blah blah blah...

Keeping a phone on him might be problematic? Decide ahead of time what time he should call you, text you...

Many of us here have survived the industry and our marriages and R's are going strong.. for us over 8 years

NoraLee posted 4/25/2013 23:11 PM

Thanks Lucky...he doesn't break her - she's a waitress. He feels with 5 bartenders he can avoid having to serve her - I guess the waitresses have to go to specific bartenders so he'll shift and manoever to avoid being "her bartender". I also believe she'll start fishing and we'll have that conversation again about how to respond. My preferred response would get me in trouble on this forum so I'll leave it to your imaginations. Just wish I could take a breather. Things at work have been so bad with my principal practically bullying me - so I put in for a transfer for sept - handed it in today at 4...I was so relieved - I got exactly 5 hours of peace and contentment when H called with the news. I just don't have an opportunity to ever regroup and recharge my fortitude....and I've got nothing left in my tank....

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