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My XH has been nothing more than an evil douche since he left us almost 3 years ago. He's had rare moments when he was almost human, but mostly he was a jack ass. Today, he was super chatty with me (via text), texting picks of our DS's school play. (I couldn't go to the night performance but I went to the morning one., asking me for advice on computers, etc. It was so weird and creepy and stirred up all kinds of emotions. I had a glimpse of the person I was married to (or thought I was married to) and it was confusing to me. I think anger and rage is easier in some ways than the emotions I was feeling today.

I don't understand it? WTF??? I wanted so badly to text him, "Why are you being nice to me?"

The anger powered me through a lot of the process. Still, his hurtful words/actions along the way did create emotional setbacks for me. In the instances XH was acting human, it sometimes gave me false hope or caused me to question my decisions.

Maybe the best is if they just shut the hell up and let us grieve and heal so we can get on with life.

It's considerably easier when they're mean so you can hate them and feel like you're taking the high road by being friendly for the kids.

When they're being nice, you remember why you married them in the first place and it's horrible since you're trying to move on.

I'm right there with you. WH is being nice and turning on all the original charm and I'm in my own personal hell. But it's ok...I'll get through it and there's a light at the end of the tunnel!!

It's easier to detach from an asshole than it is from something that resembles the person you once loved.

Don't let him get inside your head...he doesn't deserve the privilege. He's working his own agenda and I'm pretty sure the top priority on that agenda is himself.

((((r-n-b))))

MUCH easier when they show their asses!

It's easy to assume that they have turned a corner and realized that they are wrong when they suddenly act sane again but when a WS constantly does stupid crap and show their true colors, it's easier to keep the focus on detaching and moving on from their craziness.

When STBX is nice to me, I'll let you know how it goes. So far he's been nothing but his usual belligerant, nasty, lying self. I kinda think it would be easier if he was at least neutral or nice.

Neither of those work for me.

If Sultan's *mean*.....yes, it is a wonderful reminder of why I no longer want to be married to him, but it creates an awful lot of brain damage that I just don't want to deal with.

If Sultan's *nice*.....I just think "fuck him" and see it as *fake* and wonder what his *angle* is or what he wants.

I'm going with a *write-in* on this one. I vote for *civil* or *neutral*. I have adopted the mind-set that he and I have philosophical differences. He believes that *dating* while married is okay and I don't. Two people with such diametrically different opinions will never be *good* together, so there's no need for exchanging barbs about the other's viewpoints, nor is there any reason to pretend that we are *besties*. Keep in mind, please, that this is my *zen* thinking taking over. Reality is......he is a *disordered*-type thinker with a very-probable addiction of some sort.

I just want to deal civilly, rationally, and reasonably with all matters pertaining to finances/kids and not have to listen to him *lambasting* himself or *crucifying* me. He just needs to go and *live* his life as he sees fit and leave me to do the same.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 1:23 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

Is this a trick question? They are never nice once they've shown their mean face!!

When they are mean with their choices/actions there really is no use to them NOT being arseholes on top - except that its easier to detach when they're being arseholes whilst doing arsehole things.

A lot seem to go for the nice guy/gal whilst doing monstrous things.

I've yet to hear of a guy/gal being an arsehole whilst doing nice things. Now that would be perfect! Easy to detach from and not trying to systematically destroy you.

monster went through a phase of nice guy doing arsehole things:

"Merry Xmas, SBB!", "Good morning, SBB!, "Lets be friends, SBB!" etc.

...until I pointed, aimed and nailed his tender spots with a few choice words - then wore them as the proverbial macabre earrings. Achieved with about 0.01% of the cruelty he so generously bestows on me and my girls.

I think the unremorseful nice guy/gal doing nice things only exists in the UnicornFartLand where douchebag Unremorseful Waywards pretend they live.

Nice whilst doing arsehole things? That's the default position for many of them - until they realise they no longer control us. That loss of control kinda makes them crazy so their 'nice' mask falls off.

Oh, and just in case you're not giving him crickets. GIVE HIM CRICKETS!!

"Chatty" makes me worry that you are responding.

NC = No New Hurts. You don't need ANY new hurts.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:04 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

My 2 cents on this -

If they are nice after the A is discovered, it will always leave you wondering whether they actually loved you. If they did love you, what happened to their love for the AP now? How do you know what is true? Maybe they loved the AP, but are just stuck with you. You will always keep on second-guessing whether they have changed. You keep on seeing if they slip back to their old methods. You keep on waiting for the next disaster.

You feel that they only stopped because they were forced to. That they enjoyed their dirty little secret and now they want to live this 'normal' life. You will keep on revisiting their actions during the A and keep on obsessing whether they were just being nice to you on your face or being genuine. You will remember their words and actions during the A and when they do something similar now, you will wonder if it is genuine.

I think it is certainly easier when they are mean. Lets face it. Affairs are mean and meant to hurt the BS. So, they are showing their true selves now. Not wearing a mask. If they are mean and you can do the 180 and not cling on in hope of everything being good again, it is the best.

I found that whenever X was chatty or nice, that if I responded it turned out he wanted something, (help with his computer was on that list). And when I didn't respond, he got mean again quickly enough.

eta: mean was easier.

[This message edited by Take2 at 7:06 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

Perfect timing for this thread!

Backstory:

stbxwh has battled me on paying maintenance. He's very good on paying c/s, even without the court order in place, but maintenance is like a burr in his bonnet. Anyway, I'm currently unemployed thanks to the fact he fired me (I worked for his business for 12 yrs) and due to the fact we are married, my unemployment benefits only lasted one month. So, with my only income right now being c/s, I'm pretty much broke. We agreed to forgo the temporary order and wait for the final order which should just be a couple weeks away.

This week:

I need to make my mortgage payment (I bought my own home) and I'm short $$$, so I had to email stbwxh to see if he would live up to his words of "covering" me since unemployment ran out. Today I got his response. It was very short and simple, but basically he said he would do his best as soon as he confirmed the company had enough cash to cover payroll (business is not doing well). He said, "We'll figure something out".

Simple words, reduced me to tears. Even though it is his fault that I need money and even though he's being a jerk about maintenance and even though he's planning his little life with ow, I cried because was nice. I cried because it was a reference to when we were married and we "figured" things out together.

So, yes, it's easier to detach and move on when ws is acting like a jerk. When they act nice, it's a reminder of all that you believed in. And, to be honest, I think the same goes for the WS. stbxwh gets very angry when I remind him of what his choices destroyed (our family and life together) or if I send him updates on the kids. He said it "hurts too much". I get that. It's easier to walk away when you are able to put aside what it is you are walking away from.

During my D, I had a Wasband decoder ring:

Angry/defensive = easy to deal with (i.e.: ignore)

Cold/distant = easy to deal with (see above)

Quiet, kind, deferential = feeling guilty, time to put the press on for moving the settlement forward

Chatty, friendly = up to something - watch out for booby traps

Yeah...It's so weird.

Not to say that when he is mean it doesn't hurt, but it's a different kind of pain. This kind of pain is on a different level. There are so many days in my lowest times when I was curled up in a ball wishing that I could go back in time and that none of this ever happened. When he was texting me like that it was just like it never happened. He was just like his old self, like we were married still. And it hurt. :(

I didn't give him crickets (that just ins't me), but I didn't chat it up with him either. I just gave him really short responses. I'm sure he got the hint quick because he wasn't chattty for long because I wasn't chatting along with him.

But really though, W.T.F was that all about? It's been almost three years and he's never shown remorse, always makes excuses...so wth is this ??

You're exactly right to be saying WTF. Be suspicious of his motives because chances are he's after something for HIM. Keep your guard up.

IMO, it's easier when they're mean, definitely.

Ha! I've got experience with both of these. I prefer NC. That's 'easiest' if you want my opinion.

Mean: When STBXWW is being mean to me I've realized that she's actually projecting! She's actually accusing me of the things she's guilty of! Also, she's doing it because things aren't so wonderful in UnicornFartLand and somehow it's my fault. Her being mean does hurt me though....I can't imagine this person that I've dedicated so many years to, had children with, and that I held up my end of the bargain (vows) to with, is treating me worse than she would an out and out enemy. I thought we had been 'best friends'.

Nice: This one scares me. So far, I've discovered the only time she seems to be nice is when she wants something. When I fell for it the first couple of times and gave her what she wanted, she then became mean. The other times when she's been nice is when she's actually lamented what's happened between us....but then it turns mean again because it ALWAYS becomes my fault that she's with OM. If only I had of done this, or didn't do this, or if I'd just been the ole me, we'd be together and she wouldn't have had to lie, cheat, betray, etc.

I don't like either. I've learned NC is best. This was a trick question wasn't it?!

Here's the part that's freaking me out:

Since the day he's walked out the door he's been NC with me. He's never faltered. Once in a while when I broke NC he would respond, but he has NEVER initiated contact with me. EVER. And when I was in my days of breaking NC he barely ever responded. I mean, when he was done with me, he was D-O-N-E!

Part of me thinks he's trying to be nice so that I don't file contempt of court against him for not paying child support. Another part of me doesn't think he's smart enough for that.

He's a hot, fucking mess.

I don't know about other STBX's, but everything mine does is messed up. If he's mean, well that's mean and that sucks. If he's nice, he's just up to something and that sucks. So really, what difference does any of it make? It is all maddening and annoying and frustrating and depressing. Furthermore, it is probably all meant to make my life difficult. I wish he would figure out that none of it will matter. He thinks he can make me miserable enough to give up or something, but thanks to SI, my friends, my IC, and some seriously kick ass lawyers, that just won't happen. Ever. I AM suffering horribly because of him and his choices, but breaking down is not an option. He should've known better than that.

I have found that my ex is only "nice" (if that's even the word) when he wants something. Even if I don't see it yet, I patiently wait and within a week or two, he's made his request.

I am consistent: always communicate in a polite, business-like manner, yet maintain the exact same boundaries (it's the same rules/"answer" whether he asks nicely or rudely).

He ping-pongs all over the place in his attitude towards me. It used to drive me crazy, but now I observe it with detachment. It's sad, really.

I got two packages in the mail from him this week. One was the divorce form I have been requesting for several weeks. No note or anything included as if to say here is what you wanted and I really don't care. Two days later a big bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine with a note saying "Thank you for taking care of us. Happy Mothers Day. From Ds1 and Ds2" Over the last 12 years he has only sent flowers a handful of times. I honestly thought I had a secret angel who sent them because she knew I was going to hard time. Not for a moment did I think they were from him .... Until he texted today to let me know otherwise.

I vote NC as well ....