I don't understand it? WTF??? I wanted so badly to text him, "Why are you being nice to me?"
Maybe the best is if they just shut the hell up and let us grieve and heal so we can get on with life.
When they're being nice, you remember why you married them in the first place and it's horrible since you're trying to move on.
I'm right there with you. WH is being nice and turning on all the original charm and I'm in my own personal hell. But it's ok...I'll get through it and there's a light at the end of the tunnel!!
Don't let him get inside your head...he doesn't deserve the privilege. He's working his own agenda and I'm pretty sure the top priority on that agenda is himself.
It's easy to assume that they have turned a corner and realized that they are wrong when they suddenly act sane again but when a WS constantly does stupid crap and show their true colors, it's easier to keep the focus on detaching and moving on from their craziness.
If Sultan's *mean*.....yes, it is a wonderful reminder of why I no longer want to be married to him, but it creates an awful lot of brain damage that I just don't want to deal with.
If Sultan's *nice*.....I just think "fuck him" and see it as *fake* and wonder what his *angle* is or what he wants.
I'm going with a *write-in* on this one. I vote for *civil* or *neutral*. I have adopted the mind-set that he and I have philosophical differences. He believes that *dating* while married is okay and I don't. Two people with such diametrically different opinions will never be *good* together, so there's no need for exchanging barbs about the other's viewpoints, nor is there any reason to pretend that we are *besties*. Keep in mind, please, that this is my *zen* thinking taking over. Reality is......he is a *disordered*-type thinker with a very-probable addiction of some sort.
I just want to deal civilly, rationally, and reasonably with all matters pertaining to finances/kids and not have to listen to him *lambasting* himself or *crucifying* me. He just needs to go and *live* his life as he sees fit and leave me to do the same.
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 1:23 AM, April 26th (Friday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
When they are mean with their choices/actions there really is no use to them NOT being arseholes on top - except that its easier to detach when they're being arseholes whilst doing arsehole things.
A lot seem to go for the nice guy/gal whilst doing monstrous things.
I've yet to hear of a guy/gal being an arsehole whilst doing nice things. Now that would be perfect! Easy to detach from and not trying to systematically destroy you.
monster went through a phase of nice guy doing arsehole things:
"Merry Xmas, SBB!", "Good morning, SBB!, "Lets be friends, SBB!" etc.
...until I pointed, aimed and nailed his tender spots with a few choice words - then wore them as the proverbial macabre earrings. Achieved with about 0.01% of the cruelty he so generously bestows on me and my girls.
I think the unremorseful nice guy/gal doing nice things only exists in the UnicornFartLand where douchebag Unremorseful Waywards pretend they live.
Nice whilst doing arsehole things? That's the default position for many of them - until they realise they no longer control us. That loss of control kinda makes them crazy so their 'nice' mask falls off.
"Chatty" makes me worry that you are responding.
NC = No New Hurts. You don't need ANY new hurts.
[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 5:04 AM, April 26th (Friday)]
If they are nice after the A is discovered, it will always leave you wondering whether they actually loved you. If they did love you, what happened to their love for the AP now? How do you know what is true? Maybe they loved the AP, but are just stuck with you. You will always keep on second-guessing whether they have changed. You keep on seeing if they slip back to their old methods. You keep on waiting for the next disaster.
You feel that they only stopped because they were forced to. That they enjoyed their dirty little secret and now they want to live this 'normal' life. You will keep on revisiting their actions during the A and keep on obsessing whether they were just being nice to you on your face or being genuine. You will remember their words and actions during the A and when they do something similar now, you will wonder if it is genuine.
I think it is certainly easier when they are mean. Lets face it. Affairs are mean and meant to hurt the BS. So, they are showing their true selves now. Not wearing a mask. If they are mean and you can do the 180 and not cling on in hope of everything being good again, it is the best.
Don't know where we are headed..
eta: mean was easier.
[This message edited by Take2 at 7:06 AM, April 26th (Friday)]
stbxwh has battled me on paying maintenance. He's very good on paying c/s, even without the court order in place, but maintenance is like a burr in his bonnet. Anyway, I'm currently unemployed thanks to the fact he fired me (I worked for his business for 12 yrs) and due to the fact we are married, my unemployment benefits only lasted one month. So, with my only income right now being c/s, I'm pretty much broke. We agreed to forgo the temporary order and wait for the final order which should just be a couple weeks away.
I need to make my mortgage payment (I bought my own home) and I'm short $$$, so I had to email stbwxh to see if he would live up to his words of "covering" me since unemployment ran out. Today I got his response. It was very short and simple, but basically he said he would do his best as soon as he confirmed the company had enough cash to cover payroll (business is not doing well). He said, "We'll figure something out".
Simple words, reduced me to tears. Even though it is his fault that I need money and even though he's being a jerk about maintenance and even though he's planning his little life with ow, I cried because was nice. I cried because it was a reference to when we were married and we "figured" things out together.
So, yes, it's easier to detach and move on when ws is acting like a jerk. When they act nice, it's a reminder of all that you believed in. And, to be honest, I think the same goes for the WS. stbxwh gets very angry when I remind him of what his choices destroyed (our family and life together) or if I send him updates on the kids. He said it "hurts too much". I get that. It's easier to walk away when you are able to put aside what it is you are walking away from.
Angry/defensive = easy to deal with (i.e.: ignore)
Cold/distant = easy to deal with (see above)
Quiet, kind, deferential = feeling guilty, time to put the press on for moving the settlement forward
Chatty, friendly = up to something - watch out for booby traps
"The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it." - Brene Brown
Not to say that when he is mean it doesn't hurt, but it's a different kind of pain. This kind of pain is on a different level. There are so many days in my lowest times when I was curled up in a ball wishing that I could go back in time and that none of this ever happened. When he was texting me like that it was just like it never happened. He was just like his old self, like we were married still. And it hurt. :(
I didn't give him crickets (that just ins't me), but I didn't chat it up with him either. I just gave him really short responses. I'm sure he got the hint quick because he wasn't chattty for long because I wasn't chatting along with him.
But really though, W.T.F was that all about? It's been almost three years and he's never shown remorse, always makes excuses...so wth is this ??
IMO, it's easier when they're mean, definitely.
Mean: When STBXWW is being mean to me I've realized that she's actually projecting! She's actually accusing me of the things she's guilty of! Also, she's doing it because things aren't so wonderful in UnicornFartLand and somehow it's my fault. Her being mean does hurt me though....I can't imagine this person that I've dedicated so many years to, had children with, and that I held up my end of the bargain (vows) to with, is treating me worse than she would an out and out enemy. I thought we had been 'best friends'.
Nice: This one scares me. So far, I've discovered the only time she seems to be nice is when she wants something. When I fell for it the first couple of times and gave her what she wanted, she then became mean. The other times when she's been nice is when she's actually lamented what's happened between us....but then it turns mean again because it ALWAYS becomes my fault that she's with OM. If only I had of done this, or didn't do this, or if I'd just been the ole me, we'd be together and she wouldn't have had to lie, cheat, betray, etc.
I don't like either. I've learned NC is best. This was a trick question wasn't it?!
Since the day he's walked out the door he's been NC with me. He's never faltered. Once in a while when I broke NC he would respond, but he has NEVER initiated contact with me. EVER. And when I was in my days of breaking NC he barely ever responded. I mean, when he was done with me, he was D-O-N-E!
Part of me thinks he's trying to be nice so that I don't file contempt of court against him for not paying child support. Another part of me doesn't think he's smart enough for that.
He's a hot, fucking mess.
I am consistent: always communicate in a polite, business-like manner, yet maintain the exact same boundaries (it's the same rules/"answer" whether he asks nicely or rudely).
He ping-pongs all over the place in his attitude towards me. It used to drive me crazy, but now I observe it with detachment. It's sad, really.
I vote NC as well ....
DD1 Sep 2011 all a lie
DD2 Jun 2012 found his secret email
3 Confirmed EA/PA over span of 2.5 yrs
Still with OW#3 - 23rd old gold digger
At least 3 visits to Prostitutes