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Is he messing with my head?

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HelpMe123 posted 4/25/2013 21:36 PM

I gave my WS the custody agreement we had verbally agreed to for me to relocate home. He took it to an attorney and the attorney told him he wouldn't sign it and it's unfair. If you havent read my previous posts it stated that I could relocate back to my home area and would have sole custody with my WS getting one weekend per month. We HAD agreed to this and I had it written up. I then said to WS "fair? You want to talk about fair? YOU'RE TELLING US TO LEAVE, our son does not want to leave the only home he's ever known, FAIR? You're single handedly destroying our family and fucking some girl you now call your girlfriend" He cuts me off and says do you want to know what my attorney says, "he suggested that you and son stay in the house for 2 years to get on your feet, but if you choose to stay when the 2 years is up you are not permitted to go back home unless you fight me, if you fight me I will seek custody and you will get visitation." I replied calmly with "I guess I have alot to think about, alot can change in 2 years" and I began to walk away. He said "where are you going" and I replied "We (son and I) have things to do and places to go" and continued to walk to my car. He started walking after me saying, I swear I will file for custody, this is your only chance to go home without a battle. I turned around, and son was next to me unfortunately, and said "are you threatening me" He said "no, promising you". I said, "Im certain you are threatening me, don't threaten me, ever, I have alot to think about" got in my car and left. I really got asked to work a double shift and had left work to pick up son at school just to drop off at a sitter. Normally WS would be the one with our son, but since he didn't watch him Monday for my regular work night I will not ask for anything extra. I think I should stay in the house for my son's sake oh and he's out with her again ugh
:( ....Please give me opinions.

[This message edited by HelpMe123 at 9:37 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

Lucky posted 4/25/2013 21:49 PM

I don't know a lot about lawyers - honestly the advice his gave? Doesn't even make sense..

Skan posted 4/25/2013 22:34 PM

What his lawyer says Doesn't Mean Shit. I mean that. It's what YOUR lawyer says that counts.

Please remember. HIS laywer could not care less about you, your son, and frankly, about your POS WWhateverthehellheis. His lawyer is only about what he thinks he can get for your W? and what he can bill for.

Take this to your lawyer and play hard ball. You get to stay in the house until your son is 18, you get child support, he pays all bills for the house in lieu of you filing for spousal support, and he pays for your relocation to your home after you "raise" your joint son to adulthood. You get primary and physical custody and you get a morals cause that your W? can't take your son to visit the OW no matter if she is married to your POS W? or not.

Strike back hard and stand your ground. If you get it through his thick head that you will cause him severe pain if he continues to be a dick-head, you may manage to convence him that letting you go is the "cheap" way out.

He is a true POS. (((hugs)))

Nature_Girl posted 4/25/2013 23:15 PM

He's bullying you. Don't talk to him about this again. Ever. Let it all go through the lawyers. You're done talking to him.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/25/2013 23:36 PM

Rule #1--never listen to legal advice given by your cheating WS.

Rule #2--See ^^^Rule #1.

"he suggested that you and son stay in the house for 2 years to get on your feet, but if you choose to stay when the 2 years is up you are not permitted to go back home unless you fight me, if you fight me I will seek custody and you will get visitation."

That doesn't even make sense.

He's just told you that he's going to fight your move either way. Now or later. So, you may as well do it now as opposed to living across the street from this douche for 2 more years and dealing with his crazy antics. Isn't he the one that parked the *strange* car in your driveway and told you it was OW's even though his friend was in his car with him? If so, do you really want to deal with that type of crap for the next 2 years?

Go and get your own legal advice. And, I'm sitting on NG's bench here....don't deal with him on this stuff anymore. No more *verbal* conversations about ANY of this stuff. Email/text that there is a black & white record. If he tries to engage you in any type of conversation, just tell him: "I'll run that by my L."

It is very important for you to see a L and get some type of *temporary* visitation schedule put into place ASAP since he keeps *threatening* a custody battle with you. You don't want to do anything that's going to come back to haunt you and make you look bad....thus, another *reason* to have all of your exchanges done through email/ cuts out the *verbal* he said/she said stuff.

k9lover1 posted 4/26/2013 08:54 AM

It will be tempting to take the easy way out and stay where you are for a couple of years, but in the long run it solves nothing.

Once you have started to move forward, keep going in the right direction. He cannot get custody that easily - he just wants you there as a backup.

HelpMe123 posted 4/26/2013 09:15 AM

Thanks for your opinions...I am not sure how I feel about staying in the house, or leaving. I have a few things running through my head that I am fighting. One is I am not financially able to move anywhere yet and 2 months is probably not going to be enough time for me to be. Two if I move, where am I going to go, stay locally which is unaffordable or move home but be unemployed and have to stay with family who really have no room for us. Also if I move the thought of R is gone forever and I don't know if I truly want that right now. I have read other posts and many say don't make any major decisions right away, well I'm day 16 since Dday and I just feel like I havent been given enough time to decided my son's entire future yet. He his mildly on the Autism Spectrum and any little changes are bad enough on him yet alone all these major things at one time. Moving home also requires him to go to a new school. Staying with family will be hard on him, then moving from family to a rental will be another change. The area is not a good area either. I'm so torn and just need some time. I am saving every dollar I can and pray to god counseling helps at a faster pace since I will be going twice weekly. I just keep asking myself, why is he doing this, why is she worth losing if not his family, his son? He went from being with us every evening hanging out (2 weeks ago) to be with her every night for the last 2 weeks. Seeing her everyday is worth not seeing our kid everyday? I told him if he put as much effort into our family we would be the happiest people on the earth but instead he is getting laid and the rest of us are suffering.

summerain posted 4/26/2013 09:22 AM

please see a lawyer

HelpMe123 posted 4/26/2013 09:36 AM

I have. WS and I had an agreement that he asked me to have written up, my degree pertains to law, but I am not an attorney. We agreed that I would move out of the home by mid June and he would sign over sole legal custody with him having visitation one weekend per month. I had the agreement written up and now he's changing his tune to "this isn't fair". I explained it's very fair for the situation you have put us in and especially fair if I am relocating over 100 miles away. He wants fairness??? He's a shitty father, has never even played catch with our son who is NINE!!!!! Fair???? Fair???? Fair???? I want my son, I hold out hope for R down the road, but one thing is 100% certain, I want my son to be safe, happy, and feel secure I'm just torn on the route to make that happen. He has a counselor starting next week. As far as WS is, he's not even thinking of our son, he's thinking of how do I get rid of her (me) to get laid every night by someone who feels sorry for me.

[This message edited by HelpMe123 at 9:37 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

Lucky posted 4/26/2013 10:44 AM

What do you know about this OW?

Take2 posted 4/26/2013 10:52 AM

My X told me to have my Atty. write that I got everything - His atty. was a bit shocked when my atty. contacted him. His atty. nixed it (and he reneged, of course). At that point I stopped all communication, and went through my lawyer.

Focusing on FAIR, will drive you nuts. Focus on who you know you are dealing with - he breaks his vows, his words mean nothing. Go through the atty.

hopefulmother posted 4/26/2013 10:58 AM

It sounds like he is lying to get you to do what he wants. He doesn't care about you, he just wants to control everything. can bounce back-make a new life without being in your ex's shadow. Stop talking to him and do everything through your lawyer. Get your own restraining order

HelpMe123 posted 4/26/2013 11:01 AM

Again thank you all for your opinions. I was a stay at home mom for 6 years. When my son went to school, so did I. I just got me degree over the winter but have not found great employment. I do ok for my situation as of 2 weeks ago but financial hardship is now a great concern. Having been fighting my ExH over my 3 older kids for the last 12-15 years has taken a toll on me and only going through attorneys is very expensive. $250 per hour is minimum were we live. I'm desperately trying to avoid that because I now need every $. However on Monday I will try to see what I can do with some of the connections I have made through school.

As far as what do I know about OW....her name 2 addresses, age, birth date. I also know he's lied to her and she has no idea we were together. He told her he has been separated for 3 years and the reason I seem to be "going insane" over their relationship is because in his words "she doesn't want me but she doesn't want anyone else to have me".

noprincess posted 4/26/2013 11:04 AM

Hi HelpMe123

So sorry about this mess. Ok, so you have a lawyer and he has a lawyer. Now step back from your WS and communicate only through them for now. Explain everything to your lawyer as you have done here and let him argue on your behalf. You need a legal arrangement ASAP.

I would like to add that no judge would look favorably on any man/woman who bullies their spouse and dependent son out of a home, particularly given your sons special needs. I call BULLSHIT on what your WS said!

I know you've read about not making decisions right away, but protecting yourself and your son must be a priority for you now. Stay strong and be prepared to play rough! You can work on other issues with this guy later - if you choose.


1Faith posted 4/26/2013 11:10 AM

He is manipulating you and being a bully. Trying to use your son to scare you into doing things his way.

I know you are hurt and confused but why would you hold out hope for a R when he isn't even acting remorseful or indicating that is possible.

You have to keep moving to protect yourself and your kids.

I am proud of you for walking away. You didn't get pulled in to his manipulative bs. Don't feed his ego by responding to his nonsense. Silence is golden.

Keep fighting for what is right for you and your children. Don't feel like you have to make ANY decisions based on his timeline. Define what is safe and reasonable for you.

Take control and care of you and your kids. You can't control what he is going to do. As sad as it is - he's in charge of his destiny. He created this mess you just have to navigate through it. (((sorry)))

Stay strong and have the courage to hold your head up high. You did nothing wrong. His choices created this mess. NOT yours.

Sending hugs

HelpMe123 posted 4/26/2013 11:28 AM

I hold out hope for R because I am thinking he's in the fog, am I not correct? It's been 2 weeks, everything is happening so fast Im afraid to sleep because god knows what the next day will bring. Why did he destroy our lives and why do me and the kids suffer while he's out partying every night.

brokenblackbird posted 4/26/2013 11:32 AM

Don't stay in the area. He won't be there for you or your son regardless of where you live. Go where your family is and where you'll have emotional support.

Don't consider R with an unremorseful bully.

You saw how he treated his last family. He'll treat you the same. Don't be his doormat.

1Faith posted 4/26/2013 11:43 AM

Is he in a fog. Maybe but his actions speak louder than words.

He is selfish. Don't you want more for you and your kids?

You cannot control him, you cannot make him wake up from his fog. Only HE can do that and he has to WANT to do that.

If he cares more about going out while his family is crushed then that speaks volumes of the type of man he is and the type of character he lacks.

You want to R with a person that can so easily disregard you and your family and someone his is vicious and mean?

There are better things on your horizon better people to share your life with.

I know it is not easy and I am sorry but I just don't want you to continue to set yourself up for continued hurt and despair.

We all care and are here for you.

Good luck. Keep moving.

callmecrazy posted 4/26/2013 12:11 PM

Get an attorney and make a plan. This doesnt make sense at all(doubt from an attorney) and he is using your child to bully you. He obviously wants to fight it out...don't let him down. Just do it the right way, ignore him and talk to a good attorney.

HelpMe123 posted 4/26/2013 12:48 PM

I am taking the proper steps to secure my sons future with me. I do need to buy some time (most of the summer) to get some $ saved and get my son back into counseling. A year ago my son had a mobile therapist coming to our home. She tried several times to get WS to participate in my sons sessions. He refused and most times just left the house. She told me my son would be better off without him. I of course ignored this as her just being upset with his behavior towards her. I am starting the sessions up again while we are here so that if needed I can have her testify on my half in court. However I already know he's a shitty dad who acts like super dad when it's needed. If he won't sign the agreement we verbally agreed to then I am prepared to fight and fight hard to get him on supervised visitations. Yes I wish he would come to his senses and get some therapy and want to repair our lives but I am preparing to move on. I feel like time is both my friend and my enemy. God the emotional toll of this is indescribable. I am forever changed.

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