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papoula posted 4/25/2013 21:41 PM

Hello all. I'm new here. I just found out 4 days ago that my H cheated on me. The story goes beyond the cheating and it is so ugly and disgusting that I don't feel comfortable sharing the details yet. He has confirmed that he cheated but it is not telling and admitting all things I found out. I don't think my marriage can be saved and I'm hurting a lot. I can't leave the house (his house) now. I will have to wait until I can support myself financially. I will have to stay here for around 4 more months, maybe more. I will use this time to find closure and maybe some healing. I'm very lost now and hurting really bad but hoping for better days to come.

Lucky posted 4/25/2013 21:46 PM

Welcome papoula!

Anytime you need to talk someone is usually around.

I'm so sorry you had to find us - but you'll end up loving us...

Lyonesse posted 4/25/2013 21:49 PM

Welcome, papoula. I am sorry you have found yourself here. You will find lots of advice and a sympathetic ear, and support when you need it.

In these first days, please take good care of yourself. Make sure you are drinking enough water and eating something. It is a physical and mental shock. See a doctor if you need anti-anxiety medication - many people find it helps get through the first months. Get tested for STD's and see a lawyer to know where you stand.

To the right in the yellow box is the Healing Library. You will find good information there.

And here is a hug: (((papoula)))

HelpMe123 posted 4/25/2013 22:00 PM

Sorry you're here with us. Today is day 15 since D-day for me so I am knew as well. This site has helped me so much! You will get great responses, advice, and support. My one suggestion is call a counselor tomorrow. I contacted one 3 days after D-day and have had a session already, and have been given 2 sessions a week, tomorrow is my second. It helps me realize I am to hard on myself and blame me for 95% of my relationships failures. It's someone to talk to that's on your side and can give you a differnt perspective. Just a thought for you to look into, in my opinion the earlier you start the better off you will be :)
Come here to vent, bitch and complain and we will try to help

papoula posted 4/25/2013 22:52 PM

Thank you so much everyone! I'm so glad I found this forum. I am already loving this forum. I've been reading a lot and it is helping so much.

Those first days have been really hard and shock is absolutely the right word to describe what I am feeling now.

I am trying to take care of myself but it has been a challenge.

I looked into counseling but I can't afford it now. My H said he would pay for counseling but today when I asked him to pay for a STD test he refused and got angry and we argued. He said he isn't paying because there is free tests available so I don't know if he will pay for counseling.

I was blaming myself too and I'm glad I read here that I shouldn't do that. It opened my eyes and I'm starting to work on change my mindset about it.

I can't leave now. I wish I could but I'm not sure if just cut and run would be a great idea. I want answers and I want to understand. I think I need to find closure and work on myself to be prepared to leave.

What did you guys do? Did you stay living in the same house? How is the day by day living in the same roof when you know the chances of saving your marriage are minimal?

I fear that deep inside I still have hope. I want to gain strength to leave. I don't want to hang on any false hopes.

PanicAttack53 posted 4/25/2013 23:04 PM

Welcome (((papoula))) Those are hugs btw.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. However, at the expense of this sounding like an oxymoron, I’m glad you "are" here because you've found a great support system to help you through this.

I'm going to try and be as gentle as possible here but please try and follow along with me as this is a critical time for you right now, both physically and mentally.

1. First & foremost... you must understand that This.Is.Not.Your.Fault... ANY.of.It. Also, please read the "Healing Library" (it's in the yellow box on the top left of every page). There you'll find loads of information to help you understand what you’re feeling and going through now.

2. Know that you "are" in a state of shock right now. The same type of shock someone would feel if they were wounded or hit by a car. For that reason it is imperative to take good care of YOU both mentally and physically now. Most importantly, you need to stay hydrated. Try and drink lots of fluids (preferably water... but no booze please. That will only have a counter affect on hydration!). You also need to eat. Small meals if you can, and if your tummy is too upset for that, just eat chips and chocolate as they are easy to get down and also do have some nutritional value. Exercise as much as you can, even if it's just getting out of the house for a couple minutes and walking around the block. Also, try and get as much sleep as you can. I know this is hard right now... but you must try.

3. Don't make any big decisions right now... like moving out or deciding if you can still live there. Being that you are in shock, you’re not thinking clearly. While it's tempting to rush into things to try and resolve them, unfortunately there are no shortcuts to this. Please trust me when I say there will be ample time down the road to make decisions.

4. Schedule an appointment with your doctor a.s.a.p. and ask for medication to help you sleep, and for anxiety/depression if need be. Do not feel ashamed or guilty for doing this as most of us here had to in the beginning.

5. Try and refrain from arguing with your H right now. You are too raw for that in your present state of mind. Focus instead on getting yourself on solid ground both mentally and physically first. Again, there will be ample time down the road for discussions with H (if you choose to), or other modes of action (if need be).

6. Please come back and post here on SI often. We are a kindred tribe of individuals (both men & women) who are going, or have gone through what you are now. And… we are here to offer our support to others. So post as much as you want and don’t ever feel like it’s too much. I know I wore my fingers to the bone here in the beginning. When you do post, don’t be embarrassed to ask questions, vent, rant, cuss, cry, scream… whatever. Trust me when I say we’ve heard it all. I know that you don't want to share all the details yet and that's OK. The main thing is for you to get it out to someone who understands and we’re here to listen and help if we can.

That's enough on your plate right now. Except to tell you that you CAN and WILL survive this. We’ll be here for you when you need us.

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 11:12 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

5454real posted 4/25/2013 23:08 PM

Please also consult with an attorney. Not to file for D, but to see what your options are. Many will give you an initial consult for free. I advise this so you will have a clearer picture of what lies ahead. you may not be as trapped as you think you are.

by the way, welcome to the best club no one ever wanted to join. there are many here who will have great advice for you. please feel free to speak openly. it will greatly affect the advice you get.

there is a saying here, take what you need and leave the rest.


Eta panic attack gave some great advice. read it several times.

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:10 PM, April 25th (Thursday)]

Lucky posted 4/25/2013 23:09 PM

What did you guys do? Did you stay living in the same house? How is the day by day living in the same roof when you know the chances of saving your marriage are minimal?

You'll get 40 different scenarios - learn to take what is most closely related to your situation and disregard the rest. I only say that as the early days are overwhelming enough without a bunch of people perhaps pressuring you into something you just aren't ready for.

What happened with us: two days after d-day I was just enraged, still in shock of course, but anger was beginning to build and I kicked Mr Lucky out. I warned him if he had any contact other than work it was completely over and I'd do something dire

He stayed at a hotel our daughter was working/living so she kept her eye on things, he told OW he had been kicked out but she was to stay away - she immediately offered her home, not sure what her husband was supposed to do or go... maybe she thought her H and Mr Lucky would sit up late and tell WHORE-er stories...

He was out ONE week, of that week he was HOME more than he had been in years and missing his family... long, boring story later we decided to R and get into MC right away - the day after he moved home actually.

OW was thrown under the bus, it backed up a few times and hit her again

We are over 8 years out, fully R'd and happier & healthier than ever.

mysticpenguin posted 4/26/2013 01:12 AM

You asked how people survived the early days -- as Lucky said, every situation is different. For context you can click on the yellow smiley next to my name and read my profile, but here's my experience --

WH and I have been married 4 years, together 5, he was in the military so we've been moving all over the place for the past few years. Anyway, I found out in Feb. that he'd had "only a one-month fling, just the one" a few months earlier (so middle/end of 2012). He became really defensive and shut down emotionally and said some horrible things to me in the first few days -- especially the very first day. I really thought I would die. I'd just lost my cousin, who was like my brother, then I unjustly lost my job, then, by all appearances, I lost my husband. Luckily he saw that he needed to own his part and of course it came out that he had been with a total of four other women in 2012. Anyway -- back to the first few days.. I was in a severe state of shock, mind slipping all over the place, unable to think straight, got lost driving home a few times, the works. I tried to live minute by minute. I really focused on my daily chores / duties / jobs -- I have a business I'm trying to get off the ground, so I threw myself into that; I pulled my credit report and got every error off of it and read up on how to improve it (up 60 points so far!); I cleaned EVERYTHING, omg, every surface and crevice in our home, started training our dog at a higher level, and on and on and on. I also started reading some relationship-help and self help books specific to my situation.

I also wanted to comment on this though --

I can't leave now. I wish I could but I'm not sure if just cut and run would be a great idea. I want answers and I want to understand. I think I need to find closure and work on myself to be prepared to leave.

Don't just stay for answers. *And again, don't make any rash decisions either way yet -- it's early days and you ARE in a state of shock.* You may get answers, but they may very well not be true. You may also wait months and get no answers at all. If you are sure you want out, or if your WH isn't respecting you, or you don't feel safe, or it's a toxic environment - please put yourself first. (& if your WH was at all concerned with your safety, he'd be eager for you to get an STD test! 1 in 6 sexually active American woman have an STD at some point in their lives!) I'm sure you could stay with family rent-free for a time while you get your ducks in a row.


[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 1:13 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

Skan posted 4/26/2013 13:51 PM

Do you have any joint credit cards? Do you have health insurance? If the answer to either of these is yes, then you don't need your WH's "permission" to get an STD/HIV test nor counciling. Just because you are a SAHM does not mean that you don't deserve your own share in marital assets. You are a fully contributing member of this family if you were not doing child care, chores, errands, cleaning, etc., then someone else would have to do it (your WH) or someone else would have to be PAID to do it.

You have worth don't let anyone tell you otherwise. (((hugs)))

papoula posted 4/26/2013 18:43 PM

Thank you so much everyone! God bless everyone for taking your time to reply to me. I really appreciate.

PanicAttack, thanks for the advice. They are truly great. You were absolutely right in all I'm going through now. The Healing Library has being a huge help help. I'm having some difficult on concentrate though. I think this will get better with days.
5454Real I searched for some legal information on-line and I will definitely talk to a attorney soon.
Lucky, I'm glad to hear you are a "survivor" from this. It really brings me hope that better days are ahead of me.
mysticpenquin, I Will read you experience, thanks for sharing it. Are you still together with your husband. I'm not only staying for answers. I'm staying because I kind of don't have any other choice. My situation is complicated it will take time for me to leave but it is for my own good.
Skan, we don't have health insurance or credit cards together. Today we had a whole drama about the STD testing. He called some free clinics but they weren't open today then he scheduled testing for both of us and that made me even more worried because he said initially I didn't have to worry about it, even though, I know for sure in my heart that I do, and that freaked me out even more. We argued, fought and finally he agreed to pay for a HIV test from a pharmacy.

Just one more question. How safe is the forum? I know its anonymous and I even created a new e-mail for forums and groups I'm really worried of being caught here and he will read the things I am writing here.

Thanks again to all!

papoula posted 4/26/2013 18:57 PM

mysticpenguin - I read your story and it is so similar to mine and a lot of aspects. Last year our relationship was bad too. Just like you described we were distant, he was distant to be more precise. Sex life was not good and we stopped being affectionate. I tried to communicate with him but he was totally closed for communication.
I knew freedom was important to be WH too so I just let him be and didn't push into the issues. I was not happy though and I was hurting inside but I minimized everything he did that hurt me because I wanted the relationship to work so badly and I felt that if I pushed the issues he would just leave. Now I see that I became a doormat. That's where I guilt myself. Because I didn't stand up for myself. In a previous relationship I used to force every issue and it didn't work do I though being different would help. But I know nothing can be an excuse for him to cheat. There is no excuse for cheating.
Like you, I suspected of cheating several times but I ignored it too.

Lucky posted 4/26/2013 19:06 PM

How safe is the forum?

It's as safe as you make it. For myself - my H and kids know I'm here so I don't hesitate to participate in things like "Picture Threads" in Fun & Games.

I've met several SIers in real life and have equally more on FB that I interact with daily.

There are members here that have been around a long time and I have no idea what their name is, or where they live, the mods & admins to an amazing job to keep us safe, but in the end it's really up to us.

papoula posted 4/27/2013 10:54 AM

Thank you, Lucky. I prefer to remain anonymous for now. I'm still very confused and insecure and I'm glad I found here a safe place to vent, share our struggles and find strength and security. Yesterday was another very difficult day. The STD test caused a lot of drama and pain. He was extremely nervous about the STD acted very nervous and angry which made me realized my health is in great risk. I took the HIV home test I asked him and it came negative but I know the result isn't 100% secure so I will still get a blood test asap and get retested in 3 months and then 6 months again. I will also get tested for all others STD and he said he will too. But the negative home test brought some peace of mind.
Today is only day 6 since I've found out and I'm still in great shock and confusion. Last night I had a cry jag and after that I felt calm for the rest of the night and morning. Pain is kicking in now though. I am trying to live minute by minute like mysticpenguin said. I'm trying to focus on the things I have to do and things that will be good for me. I still can't see any change of reconciliation and salvation of our marriage but I still want answers from him. I still want to understand and comprehend things. I still want him to tell me the whole truth even though I don't think he will tell me. I can't stop envision my life and future without him and plan in my head what I'm going to do to leave. Right now it's like I'm just trying to keep my head above water. I'm very hopeful about a new future and a new beginning and better days ahead.

Dawn58 posted 4/28/2013 11:26 AM

The first few weeks are tough. There were times where all I could do was just breath. Just breath through the devastation, shock and pain. I drank a lot of hot tea, took a lot of baths, and talked to my family. Found a therapist to talk to. Sought legal advice. Just tried to move through my day to get some relief while I slept for a few hours and then wake up to the night mare again.

This forum has helped me tremendously. You are not alone. There are so many people here to support you and give you hope. They have been where we are and now have happy lives.

Post often!!! Vent here, cry here, rage here. It's a safe place!

papoula posted 4/28/2013 12:36 PM

Thanks Dawn58. I really appreciate all the support.

Today he got very angry and frustrated because I'm not acting his little puppy waiting from his crumbs anymore.

I got up this morning, got dressed and left to a spiritual meeting, he asked me where I was going and I answered: Do I have to tell you? I was going to say Do I have to tell you everywhere I go but he didn't even let me finish saying and said: No, you don't. I left and he sent me a desperate text message saying he had a very unpleasant morning and he felt I was doing everything to hurt him. He asked where I was but I ignored. He is very controlling and it will kill him that he doesn't have control of me anymore. He said he was giving me the benefit of doubt and I said I always gave him the benefit of doubt but he betrayed me.

As of right now, I am living minute by minute, just being thankful and glad when the pain isn't crushing my chest.

Dark Inertia posted 4/28/2013 12:45 PM

To answer your question I went straight to my mom's. I had nothing in the state we lived in, in fact his whole family was there and not mine. The day I said enough is enough I took my purse, my car.... literally that was it... and drove over 800 miles home. The adrenaline I was feeling was insane.

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