For many the second year was the hardest, and then you got another D-day tossed in... you hang on until you are healed, there is no timeframe.
I can't get the A out of my head.
No wonder. You were just served up a boatload of TT. For all intents and purposes you are just 2 months past DDay.
I think your therapist is full of it too. And I think it's great that you can recognize that.
Hang in there....
I also want to say that at 4 years out, there are still some painful thoughts, but they do not last long and are not gut wrenching.
Hugs to you.
How can you do that to someone you love?
I ask myself this every day, sometimes several times a day. The answer I always get from the SI veterans here is, IT WAS ALL ABOUT THEIR SHORTCOMINGS and had nothing to do with the love they had for you. I still have trouble believing this...It doesn't make sense. 2+2= orange. It will never make sense. I'm trying to accept it, but the logical part of my brain won't let go of rationale.
Also,your WH has NOT been doing everything he should. Since he was holding back major details of the A,he has been lying throughout R..so that makes the last 2 years a false R.
2.5 years into our R,WH told me some major TT..it changed everything for me too.
The TT was bad..but what I am really having a hard time with is all the lies he told me since dday1..for 2.5 years he swore I knew everything,he was a changed man,he would never lie or cheat again. Then 2.5 years into it,he tells me about another PA/AP that took place prior to dday#1.
That he would lie to me..over and over again..while I begged him to tell me what I didnt know..while my gut was screaming there was more..he lied.
Im not sure how to R with someone who does that.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
You are not alone. I too wonder when I can let go of the pain.
My therapist says I can't let go because of childhood abuse and abandonment issues
I find this interesting and I wonder what facts there are to back this up. I am also a childhood abuse survivor with abandonment issues.
Well my own answer to this question is because they either put us (BS's) completely out of their minds during the A
They didn't love us during the A.
My WH acted cruel to me while in the A. He was distant and I couldn't do anything right. We argued all the time about his withdrawn behavior, which he would then use to paint me as the bad guy to the MOW and play off her sympathies.
My WH did not love me during his A. His actions toward me were proof of that.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:17 PM, April 26th (Friday)]
One thing that has helped me is journaling. It has helped me to see how far I've come when I would have otherwise seen the progress.
For some people, they may just not be able to truly ever 'get over' the emotional abuse that comes with an A. That's certainly not a bad thing. It's just the way some people work, and that's perfectly acceptable. However, if you are one of those people, it may be good to reevaluate how long you want to allow yourself to remain in a relationship feeling this constant pain. I can't imagine you'd want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you feel daily pain with, ya know?
Search within yourself. I'm sure you'll find the answer soon.
So...let him know what you need. That you are in pain. With work and time "letting go" will come.
^^^This statement alone would cause me to find a new IC.
I did not suffer childhood abuse or abandonment issues ~ I wonder what poor excuse your IC would come up with to explain why, after 2.5yrs, I "can't let go/move on"
My response to IC would be:
"It's called betrayal. It's HUGE, it's PAINFUL, it's DESTRUCTIVE, it's LIFE ALTERING...it's that simple numb nut".
Geez, who's giving away these degrees?
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.