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When will I be able to let go of the pain?

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Rya617 posted 4/25/2013 22:46 PM

We are 2 years out and he has been doing everything right. Transparency, support, counseling,etc. the only thing is that he only 2 months ago fully admitted major details of the A and his relationship with OW. This changes the way I had processed the A and my reaction to it. My therapist says I can't let go because of childhood abuse and abandonment issues, but frankly I think that's a load of crap. Should I already be able to move on?? I feel that he loves me more than he ever has and shows me every day, but I can't get the A out of my head. How can you do that to someone you love?

Lucky posted 4/25/2013 22:50 PM

For many the second year was the hardest, and then you got another D-day tossed in... you hang on until you are healed, there is no timeframe.

heforgotme posted 4/25/2013 22:51 PM

I can't get the A out of my head.

No wonder. You were just served up a boatload of TT. For all intents and purposes you are just 2 months past DDay.

I think your therapist is full of it too. And I think it's great that you can recognize that.

Hang in there....

healingk posted 4/26/2013 07:38 AM

I can tell you that the 2nd year was the hardest for me. My WH TT 5 months past D-Day and it was like starting all over again. TT , to me is one of the harder things to deal with, because it means that the WS has been withholding information while your trying to save your M.

I also want to say that at 4 years out, there are still some painful thoughts, but they do not last long and are not gut wrenching.

Hugs to you.

libertyrocks posted 4/26/2013 10:29 AM

How can you do that to someone you love?

I ask myself this every day, sometimes several times a day. The answer I always get from the SI veterans here is, IT WAS ALL ABOUT THEIR SHORTCOMINGS and had nothing to do with the love they had for you. I still have trouble believing this...It doesn't make sense. 2+2= orange. It will never make sense. I'm trying to accept it, but the logical part of my brain won't let go of rationale.

confused615 posted 4/26/2013 10:39 AM

The TT set you all the way back to day one. You have to reprocess every thing he has told you.

Also,your WH has NOT been doing everything he should. Since he was holding back major details of the A,he has been lying throughout that makes the last 2 years a false R.

2.5 years into our R,WH told me some major changed everything for me too.

The TT was bad..but what I am really having a hard time with is all the lies he told me since dday1..for 2.5 years he swore I knew everything,he was a changed man,he would never lie or cheat again. Then 2.5 years into it,he tells me about another PA/AP that took place prior to dday#1.

That he would lie to me..over and over again..while I begged him to tell me what I didnt know..while my gut was screaming there was more..he lied.

Im not sure how to R with someone who does that.

crazyblindsided posted 4/26/2013 17:17 PM


You are not alone. I too wonder when I can let go of the pain.

My therapist says I can't let go because of childhood abuse and abandonment issues

I find this interesting and I wonder what facts there are to back this up. I am also a childhood abuse survivor with abandonment issues.

How can you do that to someone you love?

Well my own answer to this question is because they either put us (BS's) completely out of their minds during the A


They didn't love us during the A.

My WH acted cruel to me while in the A. He was distant and I couldn't do anything right. We argued all the time about his withdrawn behavior, which he would then use to paint me as the bad guy to the MOW and play off her sympathies.

My WH did not love me during his A. His actions toward me were proof of that.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:17 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

SAR681 posted 4/26/2013 21:37 PM

I agree, you're back at square one with the new info. Don't worry yourself about doing things on the correct timeline.

One thing that has helped me is journaling. It has helped me to see how far I've come when I would have otherwise seen the progress.

Theradin posted 4/27/2013 10:18 AM


For some people, they may just not be able to truly ever 'get over' the emotional abuse that comes with an A. That's certainly not a bad thing. It's just the way some people work, and that's perfectly acceptable. However, if you are one of those people, it may be good to reevaluate how long you want to allow yourself to remain in a relationship feeling this constant pain. I can't imagine you'd want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you feel daily pain with, ya know?

Search within yourself. I'm sure you'll find the answer soon.

LA44 posted 4/27/2013 11:28 AM

If you just found out a boatload of A stuff, TWO MONTHS ago, it is no wonder you cannot get it out of your head. He waited wayyyy to long to reveal these things to you! For him, it is "old news". For you - it is very fresh.

So...let him know what you need. That you are in pain. With work and time "letting go" will come.


Rya617 posted 4/30/2013 23:24 PM

Thank you to everyone who has replied. It helps me so much to hear perspective and validation of my feelings and reactions. I feel so supported, we are all in this together!

RidingHealingRd posted 5/1/2013 01:43 AM

My therapist says I can't let go because of childhood abuse and abandonment issues

^^^This statement alone would cause me to find a new IC.

I did not suffer childhood abuse or abandonment issues ~ I wonder what poor excuse your IC would come up with to explain why, after 2.5yrs, I "can't let go/move on"

My response to IC would be:

"It's called betrayal. It's HUGE, it's PAINFUL, it's DESTRUCTIVE, it's LIFE's that simple numb nut".

Geez, who's giving away these degrees?

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