SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

So my XWW calls me on Tuesday to discuss the drop off times for the kids. She goes off subjects

X- Do you know how to fix alternators?
Me- Yes.
X- Can you fix mine on my car? My alternator died on me.
Me- Why don't you ask your boyfriend(OM) to do it?
X- I did and he researched it and you had to BLAH BLAH BLAH(I was shopping) BLAH BLAH. $400 for it to be fixed at the shop. BLAH BLAH BLAH.......
Me- What do you want me to do about it?
X- If you could fix it for me?
Me- HMMMMMMMMMMMM. Lets see if I have anytime this weekend. I am really busy with my dad in the hospital and I have the kids this weekend.
X- Fine. Thanks anyways.

I do feel bad because I could fix it for free but really, I laughed after I ended the call. Is it wrong to laugh? Is it wrong to still be laughing because she downgraded to a crap car after giving everything I gave her back to me? Well I don't hope that when it rains, it pours. I would die laughing.

I had a similar exchange over text messaging with mine last week. Apparently her car is running poorly now that nobody has been maintaining it for the past nine months and New Dad badly misdiagnosed the problem, costing her well over $1000 at the shop. She didn't actually come out and ask me to fix it for her (I suspect that it's just a sensor that had coolant leaking on it from a bad hose that I replaced a few weeks after Dday. Gotta love how hard I tried to nice her back.) but she sure tried to get me to offer. I didn't bite. You shouldn't either.

She fired you. No obligation from you any longer. She can't have a boyfriend and a husband with two different men at the same time. Guess she'll have to pay to fix the car.

I had the opportunity one time to tell FT he fired me from being his wife. I was laughing and smiling for days too.

I think you should enjoy the laughter.

What helped me gauge what I should or shouldn't do was thinking about it as setting a precedent forever.

Meaning.....if you help now, it will not be a one time thing. It will be a thing every single time she needs help.

Fast forward to 5 years down the line...you have to go pick up her car to fix XYZ and her and some guy are just lounging on the porch, giggling and sipping drinks.

Those are the thoughts that helped me not feel bad.

I vote laugh!

I have a friend who is just like you - it's easy for him to fix stuff like a car, and he will always help out a friend. But your ex wife isn't your friend anymore. She's your ex wife. She fired you from doing stuff like fixing her car for free.

I mean, think about it. Why would you fix her car in the past? Because you loved her and want to take care of her. It's a show of affection, even though it's something that you may enjoy doing. But now? How incredibly inappropriate would it be for you to be showing that kind of affection to a woman who 1) cheated on you, and 2) is with another guy, and 3) obviously isn't worthy of your affection?

Um, no thanks. Sorry "honey", should have thought of all that before you ran around.

So I'm the family fix-it/call guy and I HATE not helping people out no matter who they are. Now my situation is a little differant in that my X is not with OM, but in your case just don't touch it. If your KISA like me it won't be easy to leave this stuff alone but she has OM now, she made her choice and needs adjust to her new life just like you do. If you help out then you will give the impression that she can now rely on you to fix things in the future.

The barometer I try and use in all things is how will this effect my children's "needs". As long as she is spending her play cash to fix it and that does not hurt the children in some way then its up to her to handle it from now on. Your only obligation is to your kids now.

Yeah, my ex was hinting about getting me to help with his taxes this year. I have always done both of our taxes every year, come to think of it I took care of everything

Anyway, you like me should politely tell her of some good shops where you can get that done for a resonable price. lol. We are no longer at their disposal. We are ex's not friends not partners....now go have a laugh..and a cookie!

She's got a lot of nerve to even ask.

I would laugh too,... hysterically!!!

Hmmm... I'm on the other side of this situation. XH always took care of my car for me. I've asked him since the divorce about different car problems that I've had. He's told me that if he wasn't with his girlfriend, he'd do the repairs for me. Instead, he makes sure that I'm not getting ripped off by where ever I take my car for the work to be done. He calls around for part prices, figures out the labor time and lets me know that what the guy is telling me is a fair price, or not. So far, I've gotten lucky.

While it's not "his job" to help me with my car, I'm driving his kids around in my car almost every day. By helping me, he's also helping his kids. If I get ripped off at a garage, that's less money I'll have to provide things for the kids.

Do whatever you're comfortable doing.

What really strikes me is she had the nerve to ask me, like I am still her friend. What's so funny is that if I fixed the car, how would OM feel? Oh it would be great to see how useless he is. But nah, I don't need to make myself right. I guess her choices and consequences are coming around. I was waiting for it someday. Feels nice that its my turn to feel the sunshine for once!!!

For me, any inclination to help ended at “Fine.” How about, “I’d really appreciate it but understand if you can’t.” Some exes can transition to friends, clearly she isn’t there yet because this exchange is just about what you can do for her, and if you don't jump fast enough she ain't playing.

I might be stubborn a little but when she said she wanted to do nothing with me and I should leave her life alone, I might just do that. That was said on Dday.

Yeah, I stopped being my X's Wikipedia too.

Though I have to say, some of his requests were pretty damn funny!

AJ's MOM

You're a better person than I. I wouldn't have been able to wait until the call had ended before laughing! But, then, he has been known to describe me as a cold bitch....

What really strikes me is she had the nerve to ask me, like I am still her friend.

That bugged me too. It bugged me enough that I let her take some bad advice and get her timing belt replaced about 25,000 miles too soon. Sounds like a consequence to me.

Do all WW go to the same class to learn this BS? Why is it they want to remain friends?
I'd laugh my *** off if I were you. And tell her to replace muffler bearing and that will help out the alternator so as not to overload the flux capacitor. hahahahaha

Good for you. Keep laughing. This comes under the category of "not my problem." You aren't friends - she is your lying, cheating, nasty X. I don't know why but it always amazes me when they expect you to drop everything for them after what they have done. Dumbasses.

I can't get over the nerve of some people. That she would even ask you!! Ridiculous. My x is a cheating ass, but he at least has the decency to not ask me to help him with personal issues. Help with kids? Sure, no problem. I'm there. Help him with his taxes or truck or whatever else? No way. Good for you on sticking to your guns. She can get her own car fixed.