Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

My story

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Pages: 1 · 2

LearningToFly posted 4/25/2013 23:40 PM

Our family has gone through a lot in the past 5 years. We have had one devastating thing after another happen. Dh has been emotionally stunted through most of our marriage. He is a "happy-go-lucky" guy so difficult times are ignored so he can be positive. However, these difficult times have been too hard to just ignore.

An old girlfriend connected with him on facebook and over the past year and a half they have built a strong "love" relationship. He and she both say they love like they have never knew existed.

We have been married for 28 years and it has been a difficult marriage for me because my husband is very independent. I come way down on his priority list. I let that go on for at least 20 years. I don't want to be an afterthough anymore. He says I don't communicate well and I say I communicate the best I can, he just doesn't like what I have to say.

Anyway, his girlfriend praises him up and down and thinks he is god himself. I have been literally trying to keep our kids alive while he has been off in affair-land. I understand his need for praise and appreciation. What I don't understand is his complete disregard for all I have been trying to do to take care of our kids and deal with the deaths of three of my closest family members in just 2 and a half years. i know I am not the attentive wife right now. I still don't think it was fair for him to run after the first person to tell him how wonderful he was. She is not living my life or with him.

Anyway, he says he wants to try this time. He has said that a lot, even while planning to meet with her days later, even while writing her love notes and poems, even while hiding everything from me. Its hard to believe him right now.

I think he believes that he wants to work on us. I am just not sure if he will be willing to continue if the results are not instant.

summerain posted 4/25/2013 23:42 PM

Sorry how long has this affair been going on for? and when did you first find out?

summerain posted 4/25/2013 23:51 PM

Okay I found some articles for you. The first one is called a no contact agreement, I recommend you get him to write it, you review it and then it is sent off.

Secondly is does she have a BS? If there is you should tell him

See if you can print this off and give it to him:

Regret vs remorse

hopefully someone can come along and give you the link to the 180 as well.

Finally 'out' the affair to everyone you know. Many may disagree but my personal experience: I confronted the OWs over and over (even when he cut it straight off when discovered) when they attempted contact.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

LearningToFly posted 4/26/2013 00:07 AM

From what I can piece together, they started communicating in June of 2011. H e went to see her under the pretension of spending time with our son in July of 2012. The affair exploded after that.

I found out in February when he wouldn't stop talking about how he had made a mistake and didn't understand what love was when we got married. (28 years before) He was saying he thought we might need to separate so we didn't spend anymore years together being miserable. I did some research and found that many men say stuff like this when they are involved with someone else. I asked him and he told me he was friends with someone going through a hard time. They encouraged each other. I reminded him that our lives were difficult at the moment and his wife was going through a hard time and needed his encouragement. He said he stopped the relationship.

His secretive behavior didn't change so after two weeks I asked for his email password and found out they were still writing. I told him he needed to stop if he was serious about working on us. He wrote her a quick hesitant email.

I didn't see anything else for two weeks then he sent something to a different account. I was able to read what he sent. It was a love poem about how she was his soul mate and how sad that they couldn't be together because they were both married. I was devastated. I insisted on the password to that account. He lied and said he deleted it. I didn't believe him and he ended up giving it to me.

I learned that they were VERY emotionally involved and had actually met up again after he told me it was over. This was supposedly to say goodbye. They were still writing fake emails to each other on the account he gave me first. On the other account, they were expressing their true feelings. It hurts so much to know that my husband would go that far to deceive me.

I don't think he sees what he did. She is still writing to the account to contact him. I changed the password so he cant see it.

He says he wants to make things work with us. I don't want a divorce. I also feel so disrespectful to myself for allowing him to treat me this way. My daughters love him very much but they also think I am so stupid for staying. I don't know what to do.

betrayed5years posted 4/26/2013 00:08 AM

Dear LearningToFly...Sorry, so very sorry. Don't beat yourself up for what you think he wants/needs that is not why affairs happen. I am 8 months from the discovery day with a spouse of 41 years and he was in 5 year affair. lauren123 is right on with letter of no contact to stop the affair and start a recovery process. Are you in marriage counseling? Have you seen a lawyer? I did both early on to know my state laws and rights...the lawyer visit scared my wayward spouse more than any words. He knew I meant business. I did contact the other women's spouse (both of whom were friends and still are neighbors) which caused other woman to get off her "what happen would be a whisper in the next room in a few months"

I did not do all the 180 stuff as I had not found this website until 3 months later but purchase 3 books and 2 I recommend though are not finished with either...but they kept me sane early on. One is "Not just friend" by Shirley Glass and the other "Getting Past the Affair" which is a chapter to chapter process spouse and I are reading and doing the exercises....and it has been good.

Lots of hugs, concern for you and your kids, and know this is a good place to share, rant and get feedback!! Take care of yourself!

LearningToFly posted 4/26/2013 00:09 AM

Thank-you for those links. I will check them out.

summerain posted 4/26/2013 00:32 AM

Okay I found the 180, this is actually a really good explanation of it:

Secondly, I'm hoping considering the nature of everything it's okay to give you a couple of tips (ETA: I mean investigative tips)

Can you download a couple of key loggers?

Does he have an Iphone?

If he has an Iphone I have a really cool trick. however you need an Ipad to pull it off sneakily.

Third. Get your bitch boots on! How dare he have the audacity to treat you like this?

Why do you want to stay with him? Is it love, family, financial.. etc?

Who knows about the affair, what is your support network like?

[This message edited by lauren123 at 12:34 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

Lucky posted 4/26/2013 00:45 AM

i know I am not the attentive wife right now. I still don't think it was fair for him to run after the first person to tell him how wonderful he was.

You KNOW this isn't really about you, right? You could have made his lunch, cooked dinner, rubbed his back, massaged and kissed his feet and he still would have gone off into an affair - for whatever reason. His coping mechanisms suck, clearly.


Anyway, he says he wants to try this time. He has said that a lot, even while planning to meet with her days later, even while writing her love notes and poems, even while hiding everything from me. Its hard to believe him right now.

And honestly - you shouldn't. He hasn't stopped the affair and from what you write, he doesn't have any plans to.


I think he believes that he wants to work on us. I am just not sure if he will be willing to continue if the results are not instant.

UHHMMMM... yes, he has to work on you two & results will NOT be instant. Affairs take two to three years, and sometimes longer, to recover from.

Have you read anything in the Healing Library? There is so much fantastic information for both BS and WS. It wouldn't hurt to print some articles out and have him read them.

Until he ends contact forever and absolutely - you don't have a chance in hell, he's decided long ago that he can walk on you and will do so if he thinks he can continue the affair - after all, he's a god right?

Lucky posted 4/26/2013 00:48 AM

Lauren, members aren't supposed to share I-tips, there is a reason that forum is locked until after 51 legitimate posts.

LearningToFly posted 4/26/2013 01:13 AM

He doesn't have an Iphone and I know he hasn't contacted her with our phones. He has a work computer which is what he has used to contact her. I don't think he is contacting her right now. I know she is trying to contact him but he doesn't have the password to the account. He could contact her on facebook but I don't see evidence of that at this time. She is still his "friend" there.

When I married my husband, I loved him with all my heart. I have given him all of me. My life has been built on the belief that we would always be together. I stayed home to mother the kids and work part-time now. I am financially dependent on him. All our financial plans were based on staying together when he reached retirement which will be in 5 years.

I still love him though I don't know why. He is a very nice guy and works hard in a nurturing profession. I am proud of what he does. I enjoy watching him interact with others. He loves our kids and makes them laugh. He does lots of nice things for me, opening the car door, bringing me a candy bar, helping around the house.

He isn't there for me emotionally. I am very emotional. I think I scare him. The kids have said "Dad only does happy".

I lost my sister to cancer and my brother and 17 y/o nephew to a drunk driver in the past 2 years. I am still grieving their deaths. Our kids were on track to healthy productive lives until 3 years ago when they all got into drugs and drinking.My oldest daughter was in a bicycle accident two years ago and is now disabled. My son is in and out of juvenile hall because of drugs. My other daughter is drinking a lot to numb her pain. I have been focused on doing everything I can to get them help. I keep being told to take care of myself but I really don't know how. I feel like I have to save my kids first.

It really hurts to know that my husband would add this new level of pain to what our family has already been going through. I understand that he has been hurting too but couldn't he have dealt with it in a less damaging way?

We have been in marriage counseling off and on for five years. Dh goes willingly but doesn't follow through. He had been going to our counselor by himself for the past 7 months. His affair was raging and he never mentioned it to the counselor.

I went to hospice and now to a individual therapist. I talk mostly about what to do to help my kids. I know I need to work on me. Its so hard when I feel so strongly that I have to save them.

We went together to marriage counseling this week. My husband apologized to the counselor for not telling him about the affair. I was thinking why are you apologizing to him? You should be sorry about it because of what you did to me and to us!

The counselor told him to write a letter. It sounds like the same kind of letter as the NC. He hasn't done it yet.

My husband was very protective of the girlfriend. I said I wanted to tell her husband. (I don't know either of them.) My husband says he might get violent and I shouldn't. She said the same thing when she wrote to him in the last email.

Everything is so raw right now. I want it to all go away but I know it won't. Finding out about this feels the same as the phone call from my dad about my brother and nephew when they were killed by the drunk driver.

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 2:03 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

momentintime posted 4/26/2013 01:23 AM

Has her BS been told of the A. Out it ASAP.

Ask him where your support is? Why isn't he giving you praise for all you have done for the family. Instead he sucks up her ego stroking and blames you for his being unhappy. Stay strong, even if inside you are falling apart. As long as he thinks you will tolerate his lies and secret behavior he has no reason to change. Shock him with your strength. Show him you can move on without him. Let him see you pulling away and that you won't be plan B for anyone. Right now he thinks he makes all the decisions and you will live with them. Wrong. You decide what your life will look like.

Tell him, if he wants her, go, get the hell out of your house. (bet MOW won't be happy with having to choose her spouse or your WS). Force the decisions on them.

summerain posted 4/26/2013 01:24 AM

Okay they always pull the 'my husband is violent', if she was that scared she wouldn't do it in the first place.

Tell the husband, expose it all. They don't want you to tell because you know it will all be exposed. He hasn't done the letter yet?

Sit him down and be assertive,

state "You have agreed to end this affair so you need to write a no contact letter for me to review within 20 mins" -seems scary I know

He argues?

"If you do not send this NC letter I will tell the husband about the affair"

Then tell the husband anyway.

I'm not even go into the whole 'nice guy', he

a) doesn't help you with the kids
b) has an affair

I don't know what time it is over there, but get on the phone and book a lawyer's appointment, you may be suprised at what you can get.

I know it seems harsh, but do all these things today so that you don't get worried and put it off. I will find a really really good post for you and copy it, someone that was in a similar situation as you

What do you think?

Lucky posted 4/26/2013 01:29 AM


Honey the stuff you've been dealt with

Has it occured to you that maybe being away from your H might actually help you?

Lucky posted 4/26/2013 01:31 AM

Okay they always pull the 'my husband is violent', if she was that scared she wouldn't do it in the first place.
Tell the husband, expose it all. They don't want you to tell because you know it will all be exposed.


Ditto THAT! I sure heard it as have countless others here, most often it's a huge lie.

[This message edited by Lucky at 1:33 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

summerain posted 4/26/2013 01:39 AM

I'm posting this as a consideration for you as it may show that all is not loss even in divorce. I am not telling you to divorce at all but I think you may find it inspiring in reconcilliation or divorce

canigetoverthis ... from the D/S forum

I've been divorced for a little over a year, after a long separation following my XH's last affair. (His 8th). I remember so well all the times I was a puddle on the floor, unable to move from the fetal position, scared out of my mind, a SAHM to 4 kids who hadn't been in the workforce in a very long time. Hindsight being what it is, healing and moving forward giving me clarity, and realizing I survived what I thought I never could, I have some insight I'd like to share. I hope it helps any of you that are where I was.
Over the 23 years he cheated, lied, gaslighted, got violent when confronted with his F*ups, etc., the main question I asked myself was 'WHY?' As I have lurked here for well over a year, (might even be 2, I can't remember - I was too embarrassed to post), I have read over and over the question of why. It seems that final closure can't come until we understand the why of it.

What I finally realized was there could be a myriad of 'reasons' that the WS may give, none of which have a whit to do with the BS, the state of the marriage, the economy, or the price of wheat in China. When you boil it down, the answer to the question of why is BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO. Think about that. They wouldn't have done it if they hadn't have wanted to. All that is involved in carrying on an affair, conscious choices, conscious lies, consciously betraying their spouses and loved ones ALL boils down to BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO. Once I realized that and let it really sink in, I didn't need any other answers. Any other answers are smoke and mirrors, excuses, etc. They WANTED to do it, they believed they were so special that they wouldn't get caught, and rationalized to themselves all the 'reasons why' they should be able to do what THEY WANTED TO DO.

I also learned how to be an excellent investigator. I caught my XWS in his last affair by hacking into his OW's own cell phone account, because he was calling her from payphones as he drove cross country for his trucking job. I was able to match the calls she received from truck stop payphones to when he was in that particular town. I spent hours and loads of energy investigating because I felt I just HAD to have undeniable proof in order to leave. The truth was, I didn't need that at all. All I needed to know was right in front of my face. He wasn't treating me with respect, dignity, or even an ounce of compassion. I was worth so much more than his treatment of me. The investigating drove me crazy - those heart racing, can't see, can't breathe moments when you discover something else. He was still going to do what he wanted to do regardless of what I found out or not. He would either want to be a good husband and human being and reconcile our marriage and family or he wouldn't. I didn't need the undeniable proof of his cheating to know that he was a piss poor husband and it didn't matter who he 'used' to be, it was who he was choosing to be NOW that mattered to my life right then. Once I put more energy into owning and celebrating my own worth, instead of fighting for somebody who didn't deserve it, who didn't deserve me, only then was I able to realize that I didn't need to prove anything other than what he had already willingly shown me.

So, I was married to an ass who cheated because he WANTED to, who lied because he WANTED to, who did all the rat bastard things he did all because he wanted to, and I realized that he didn't deserve me. He didn't get to have me. He didn't get to suck up anymore of my precious energy. I stepped off the crazy train and said no more.

Now, I'd decided that I deserved so much better than he could give me with who he was choosing to be, but had no idea what to do regarding supporting my kids. It took me 18 months to get my ducks in a row, while he knew nothing of it. Whenever I did grocery shopping, I bought 2 of many of the items, and took $20 cash back off my debit card. I joined sites like pinching your pennies and used coupons and pocketed the savings. Anything extra, birthday gift money, etc., I pocketed. I paid utilities ahead, starting with $10 a month and moving up from there as I could. Since the man didn't open a bill, it was easy. I went back to school to do something that I love, under the guise that 'he worked too hard and I wanted to bring in some money so HE could enjoy himself. Luckily, the man isn't Einstein. I got into IC, under the guise of learning how to make things 'easier' for him, when in reality it was to heal, and learn the strength to take up for myself and my children. Of course, he paid for that. Two months after I graduated from my school program, I had him served when he wasn't expecting it.

I'm not saying this to toot my own horn, but rather to point out that when we empower ourselves, no matter our situation, we find our way out. It might take baby steps, but step by step you will get there. You become a good little actress, and do what you need to do for YOU. Did I feel guilty for the subterfuge? At times yes, but then I reminded myself that I was doing what I had to do to protect myself and my children and I kept moving forward.

You are worth so much, and your worth is NOT determined by what your WS, their family, or 'friends' that run from you think or say. It's inside of you and even if you can't find it, it hasn't left you. When you let that knowledge flood over you, you will find an inner strength that will amaze you. You become a warrior, but instead of fighting the losing battle of having a very damaged, broken, and selfish person validate you, you warrior through to validate yourself, to be there for yourself and your children. Unlike the anger that comes and goes and gives strength when it comes, this inner knowledge is different. It is steady because you KNOW you have value, you KNOW you didn't deserve what happened, but in spite of what has happened, you can always count on YOU. You have to be your own hero. Your WS isn't going to be or they would have by now. Trust yourself. Your self-esteem may be shaken or shattered, but YOU are still in there, waiting for you.

I can't think of a better person that deserves the beautiful YOU than YOU, can you?

I've lurked for so long that I feel as if I know each of you, even though you don't know me. I was just too embarrassed to post and to have to write it all down.. I mean.. 23 years of being cheated on with 8 affairs that I have proof of, who knows really how many there were. Thank you for the strength you gave me when you didn't even know I was here. I hope this post doesn't offend anybody. My intention is to give back what I received each time I needed help by you and received it.

[This message edited by lauren123 at 1:44 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

LearningToFly posted 4/26/2013 01:52 AM

My husband does help with the kids but he is like a frightened little boy much of the time. He doesn't like conflict so I am the one who has to be the bad cop. Its hard because I am soooooo stressed out over the stuff going on in our home. I am worried about the future of my kids. I am learning that they have a mind of their own and I can't control them. I have now learned the same about my husband.

I don't believe he was trying to hurt me. I believe he has a giant hole that needs to be filled with praise and admiration. He says he really likes who he is but he can't deal with anything I say that threatens his view of himself. He truly is like a small child.

He lies because he doesn't want people to think bad of him. He sneaks around because he doesn't want to be stopped from doing what he wants. He tries to be nice to everyone but that usually means that when he has to choose, he breaks his word to me instead of standing by it.

I keep hoping he will grow up and we can be all that we were meant to be. Maybe I am just crazy.

I haven't gone to a lawyer yet. I have been thinking about it. It just seems like such a drastic step and I also don't know who to go to. I don't have any divorced friends. If I go, I think my husband will go into self protection mode and he has more contacts to get a good lawyer. I have to be very careful. At this point I haven't given up on the marriage.

My husband didn't cause all the bad things that have happened in our lives EXCEPT for this one.

LearningToFly posted 4/26/2013 01:59 AM

Thank-you Lauren for that post. I want to be strong and feel like I can make it on my own. Even if we stay together, which is what I want - though I feel stupid for wanting it, I want to feel like I don't need him. I want to feel like I have a life beyond him. I am not there yet but I want to be.

summerain posted 4/26/2013 01:59 AM

I know going to a lawyer is a drastic step but if he does have good contacts you probably want to get prepped now. You don't know he may not decide to run off with OW?

You don't need to tell him, I think on your side of the world you can get free consultations. You say you haven't given up on the marriage which is great but instead of working hard i.e MC etc

work smart

The best thing!!!!! is to tell the OW husband. Maybe anonymously is the best way?

LearningToFly posted 4/26/2013 02:06 AM

Lauren, I like that ... "Work smart." I will need to check into a lawyer so at least I know. I am a prepare kind of person usually. It just makes this more real and that makes me feel so scared. I am going to bed now. Its after midnight here in the US. Have a wonderful day in Australia.

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 8:35 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

summerain posted 4/26/2013 02:09 AM

try and have a good sleep

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.