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Unagie posted 4/26/2013 00:18 AM

I mentioned I am on another site sometimes and nearly never post. I looked there a lot more this week following the discussion of a FWS and a WS currently in an A. The arguing was harsh and the WS still in the affair called those swinging 2x4's bullies stating her A was different and there is not a one size fits all solution. This poster said this because of others saying coming clean and breaking the A even if you didn't want to stay in the M was the only healthy solution and the only way to eventually heal from the guilt and shame. Also figuring your whys and working on yourself. This person also said that those swinging 2x4's thought all men were bad and manipulating and that some people go on living happily ever after with AP. I was disgusted and so I broke my silence and posted:

the very nature of an A is hurtful to the party the A is being kept a secret from. So while some may go on to live "happy lives" with their AP you cannot say that someone along the way wasn't hurt by it. If you want to be with someone else then leave the M your in, give honest reasons and then develop a healthy out in the open relationship with whoever you want. A's are meant to destroy, infidelity is meant to destroy, I can't think of one example of it where all parties lived happily ever after. So no not everyone's story is the same but the same constant holds, someone is being lied to and that someone if they find out will be destroyed emotionally. There is nothing good about A's I don't care how happily some AP's live with each other later, if you destroyed someone else's life for that happiness then I'll pass.

I got reamed for that post saying I was being judgmental and not supportive. At this point I didn't care, been trying to find a way to cancel my membership to this site because while some people there are trying many are like this person. One of the FWS mentions after my post that all those unremorseful waywards had run to another room....curiosity was piqued. I looked for this other room. This other room is what sparked the title of my post. If I was ever like this during my A and thinking back I don't think I was but if I was please forgive me. These women...about 6-7 post about supporting each other through how horrible it is to be in lobe with 2 people, support each other through how much they miss their AP's and how dare the wives try to take them away and how dare the wives try to get alimony and how horrible it is that they are separated from went on and on and I only got to page 2 of one thread by skimming...

I was physically revolted and it was like my mind was trying to reject what I was reading. I would like to take this moment to say thank you to Surviving Infidelity. Thank you for giving waywards a safe place to post and learn. Thank you for creating a website where BS's and WS's can not only gain advice from each other but also become friends in some cases. Thank you to each contributor that has swung a 2x4 my way or at a new WS who needs some sense. Thank you for everything I cannot articulate in terms of how many times this site has saved my sanity. Thank you...just thank you.

BrokenT posted 4/26/2013 04:05 AM

I want to throw up too
Recently I've been to some relative's house. The man was having an affair and was so ok with it to a gross extent. He was speaking to the BS's brother on the phone and saying he needs time to get over "his loss" before he can get back into the marriage on working on reconciliation "sucky huh" and kept going on and on talking about his broken heart and the AP's broken heart, and that they can't just snap out of it.
Just leave your wife then and go have a damn life with your AP! I hate and despise those twisted ugly-minded people!

I just took my purse and left without saying a word. I couldn't stand hearing all the disgusting talk. With people like this I don't have the patience to talk, there's so common sense. No sense at all.

I love this site too and I'm so grateful to it. I posted my hurt feelings and right away I had people replying and supporting and advising. I wish my husband signs up here..

CrappyLife posted 4/26/2013 04:45 AM

the very nature of an A is hurtful to the party the A is being kept a secret from. A's are meant to destroy, infidelity is meant to destroy, I can't think of one example of it where all parties lived happily ever after. So no not everyone's story is the same but the same constant holds, someone is being lied to and that someone if they find out will be destroyed emotionally.

Absolutely love these lines. The same thoughts have been boomeranging in my head since yesterday night. Thanks unagie!

numb&dumb posted 4/26/2013 09:23 AM


As a BH reading this I see this as great growth on your part. You "get it." Seeing it yourself is one thing, but being able to identify it others is one of the "true" tests.

Some people have such fragile self images that "any" critique of their actions causes the facade to fall away. They then revert to anger to try and plaster that phony person back together.

Living an authentic life is so much better. While the experience has taught us to "avoid" toxic situations, people, relationships, it has also honed our sense of detection in toxicity.

Once you have changed unhealthy coping mechanisms in yourself trying to talk to someone deep in dysfunction is like trying to speak to someone who doesn't speak your language. It was a language you once knew, but are no longer fluent in. You get the high points, but most of the communication gets lost. They in turn can't understand what your are telling them.

It is Ok, you are better, you don't have to look at them in mirror everyday. You will be just fine : )

hardlessons posted 4/26/2013 09:51 AM

I always second guess when someone posts about fighting the good fight against an obvious evil. To me it says someone please validate me. And there always is someone willing to pat us on the back. Maybe I am being judgmental and not supportive but from your other posts it seems more like you keep resetting the boundary with your WBF/BBF, still living out of a suitcase but have time/money for dance lessons but no money for counseling. So not trying to be an ass but we are on the wayward forum where we call it like we see it and maybe I need some glasses.

idiot85 posted 4/26/2013 10:05 AM

That pretty much reads as-

What?! I can drive a Bugatti Veyron to paradise and all I have to do is drive over a few children??!! Are the children wearing helmets?!? In that case- YES.

-know what I mean?

Unagie posted 4/26/2013 11:41 AM

HL I take no offense when people call it as they see it. Yes I am still living out a suitcase and my boundary with my SO is very much reset often because I want nothing more then to be with him but I am not sure of where we stand on any given day.

Yes I take dance lessons because they are $21 a week as opposed to counseling which is $95 a week. I also got tired of trying to tell my counselor how I felt and it simply felt like I was told well things could always be worse, look for the positives, for example when I told her of his EA her response was he couldn't have a deep emotional connection with these women and I should feel better because they were off craigslist and not some close friend.

My savings account really has dwindled and I've skipped dance because of it but it is an outlet for me, an inexpensive one at that. I was not looking for validations or pats on the back through this post, I literally felt ill last night after reading those things and posted about it. I have since found the way to cancel my account on that site and do not plan to go back. None of this was about validation, sometimes I make realizations about my mood or through introspection and I share it. I have not stopped working on me despite not going to counseling and am on here or reading new material all the time. When something touches a nerve I explore it. When I need to talk something through with SO I do and if that is resetting a boundary then I am guilty of it. I love him with everything in me but I am not foolish, I see how much work needs to be done for this to work and I see many different outcomes.

I want to thank everyone for their comments and I apologize if I came off like I was seeking validation or a pat on the back, I was not attempting to do so. I also want to apologize if my posts keep seeming like I am setting myself back with SO and with my lack of counseling. I did not mean to offend or seem like I wasn't giving effort. Perhaps not posting and just reading for awhile is in order, I did not realize my posts were being taken in bad context. Thank you all again.

hardlessons posted 4/26/2013 11:59 AM

my boundary with my SO is very much reset often because I want nothing more then to be with him but I am not sure of where we stand on any given day.

And this is ok to you? Why?

Your comments weren't offensive or a question of effort. It is a matter of what are you really trying to accomplish. By resetting you boundaries on any given day you are accepting the opposite of what you are trying to accomplish. Keep playing in the street and a Bugatti will come along and hit you right? What is the hole that BBF fills that you are willing to ride his crazy train every day?

Unagie posted 4/26/2013 12:14 PM

That's what I'm trying to figure out HL. I am not okay with his behavior and constantly call him on shit and on what I need. I want to reconcile but I am understanding a little more each day that I'd have to sacrifice a lot to do so and each day I feel like I am detaching a little more. I have stopped taking a lot of his shit and have been reading on how the 180 would work during an in house separation which for the most part this feels like. I have told him it feels like I am the only one putting work in and it goes back to well you're the one who fucked up more. The last time this was said I told him our issues are separate and not to be compared. I told him we each have expectations but that what he wanted out of a relationship was not what I wantd. I spoke or compromise and pehaps building up to a relationship we could both be proud of but it seems he feels this is just who he is now. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm going to leave him when classes are over in May...he may be right. I just am trying to make myself strong enough to face that outcome. I don't get on the crazy train as much but enough that I am still kind of battered, I want the ride to stop but realize I keep it going because of how I feel. I don't know what my limit will be but I feel myself reaching it.

tired girl posted 4/26/2013 12:39 PM

Throughout most of your process here on SI I have seen you focus most of your efforts on your relationship with your SO, and how they effect him. How everything you do might effect him.

I think HL is trying to get you to see, at some point you have to let go of that. This is about you, not him. Not the relationship. What happened was not in terms of the relationship. I know you are having a really difficult time letting go of this relationship. Have you considered why that is? I see you as still being very much defined by this relationship and how your SO sees you, not how you see yourself.

If you can't see an IC that is fine, but what other work besides going dancing are you doing for your yourself? There is still work to be done here. Not trying to come down on you here, I know that you are new to this.

And what is this about?

Perhaps not posting and just reading for awhile is in order, I did not realize my posts were being taken in bad context.

Unagie posted 4/26/2013 13:04 PM

When I first read HL's post it seemed like he was saying my original post was looking for validation, perhaps I misread that. I am trying desperately to focus on me. Dancing is for me, school is for me, my new career path is for me, I am trying to look at my future and it is difficult to view it without the relationship because I have been with him since I was 18. I know I can be independent and it may not seem like it but I am taking steps towards that. Most of my actions are for me lately and yet I feel lost sometimes. This process is difficult to say the least but I am trying so hard.

tired girl posted 4/26/2013 13:10 PM

Why do you feel lost?

Unagie posted 4/26/2013 13:25 PM

Because one part of me tells me to address my boxes in storage to my parents and buy a one way ticket. Then the other side of me says there might still be hope for me and SO and to give it a little while longer. I feel like I'm stuck trying to do what is necessary for me but also trying to see if this R will ever work. Some days seem so clear....others not so much.

tired girl posted 4/26/2013 13:45 PM

Do you feel he has ever given you anything approaching remorse?

Also, do you feel that you are able to really address your issues inside of this relationship?

longroadhome posted 4/26/2013 13:55 PM

TBH, I saw a little bit of need for validation in your post also, but that's not the worst thing. Sure, we all tend to see a need for validation of any kind as a bad thing after our colossal fuck-ups, but really, don't all humans seek validation at times? I mean, really, what's so wrong with fighting the good fight, loud and proud, if it's for the right reasons. That other site sounds like a loosely moderated free-for-all and that environment is not supportive of a healthy result. We here on SI suffer no foggy bullshit, so the WSs that come here and stay really do get good advice from folks who have walked in our shoes.

Your situation sounds so hard to deal with, Unagie, and your SO appears more focused on blameshifting than on working on the mess he created, independent of the mess you created. That must be so hard for you to face every day.

For the record, to me you sound like you get it, and I'll bet that you're on your way to a better healthier you, with or without your SO.

Unagie posted 4/26/2013 14:05 PM

TG question #1, no if i truly think about it no.

question #2 yes and no. We have addressed some issues but not all and I do not think the relationship I am in will allow me to address all issues. That's a reality that's hard to take.

LRH, while validation is not always something to feel terrible about seeing that it is one of my whys for my A I try to stay away from behavior that seeks it. I didn't mean for my post to sound like I was seeking validation but if it did seem that way to even one person this is something I feel the need to look into myself. Was I trying to only share something or prove to myself through the post as well as other that I am changing. While I felt in writing the post that I was sharing an experience I can see that it can also be used as a post showing how my mindset on A's and wayward behavior has changed. I may not have been consciously seeking validation but it reads that way to some and thus I have to view it from both sides. Sorry I got a little repetitive.

I do feel at times like i am the only one desperate to save this relationship. I think some of it still stems from my guilt and shame, some of it still stems from what could have been and some of it stems from just true emotion, despite it all I love this man, that doesn't mean he is what's healthy for me as an individual or that I am what's healthy for him.

tired girl posted 4/26/2013 14:10 PM

I think anytime we are in a desperate place unagie, we are not in balance.

Letting go is one of the most important lessons I learned through all of this.

I know it will be a hard thing for you as well, but I see it as a very valuable tool. Let go of this thing that is keeping you desperate. Then you can be free to truly work on you.

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