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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: So in love...should I expect it to last?
OptimisticWife
♀ 36587
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to stop and count how many months from DDay we are...14 months. I don't feel the need to count the months that have passed anymore. I'm finding that I am learning to live in the here and now and I have great hopes for the future of our marriage.

We've had some major lows and lots of drama accepting the A and the impact it's had on both of us as individuals and on our M.
This sure has been the most painful experience of my life and I still have days of total sadness and heartbreak. I get through these days by leaning on my H for comfort and support.

Overall though, I am so in love with my H and he has told me he's feeling the same about me.
I love being with him and being close to him. I love talking to him and spending time together as a family.
I love and respect the changes he's making and the effort he's putting into R.
I freaked out a couple of months ago because I felt like I had to back off working on our M so he could work on his FOO issues.
Reality is, the more I love and support him through his work with our IC processing his FOO issues, the closer we are getting.
He's been so open emotionally and loving. I feel as though we can discuss anything. This is a first for our marriage.
I feel wanted, loved, safe, respected and cherished. My H is working hard on making sure this is the case always.
He hates what he's done to me not only during his A but also for the way he took me for granted and treated me badly in the past. He hates that he has kept himself so guarded and closed off for decades. He is working so hard on making sure he's never that person again.
He tells me multiple times a day how much he loves me and how grateful he is for R. He says I'm his best friend and he respects and loves the loyalty I have shown him even when he feels undeserving.
He is becoming the man I always knew he could be despite his terrible past. A man that I love and respect with all of my heart. A man I am proud to call my husband.

However, there's that voice in the back of my head that's saying there's a dip on the way. We can't possibly be this happy and in love forever...can we?
Is it my insecurities talking (something I'm working on in IC) or am I just being practical in acknowledging that things will settle down. Will we settle and become comfortable again or can this intensity be maintained for the long haul if we both continue to work on ourselves and our marriage?


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
Lucky
♀ 6864
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will we settle and become comfortable again or can this intensity be maintained for the long haul if we both continue to work on ourselves and our marriage?

You can settle and still stay passionately in love! The intesity can last for a long time... forever.
Just don't be disappointed if there is a bump in the road, an argument, a disagreement.. it doesn't mean it's the END. It means you are human and you had a difference of opinion, thoughts and it's OK.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
MrsDoubtfire
♀ 24786
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love is an action and not a feeling as you are both finding out. By supporting each other you are putting your love into action and, if you continue to do so, there is every reason to believe your love will continue to grow.

Granted, there may be bumps in the road where you might feel that your love might ebb and flow ( an argument or a disagreement etc) but that's called life!!

Communication is the key and as long as you continue to talk about everything that closeness should remain.

3 years after deciding to R we still talk about everything. No topic is a nogo. Pre FWH A there were lots of topics we daren't raise and that put a blockade in the way that stops the love from flowing.

Don't worry about that bubble bursting.... Just float along in it


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1593 | Registered: Jul 2009
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

9 months out here...so I cant offer comfort and reassurance to you regarding the questions you pose.

What I CAN offer is a sincere thank you. Your post encourages me that things can\will get better. I see faint glimpses of what you speak of.

God will continue to bless you both.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OptimisticWife,

I understand your feelings of reservation, or 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' as some BSs describe it. My BH used to tell me he was afraid to be too happy, or to let his guard down too much.

It can be sustained. After a good, steady period of R you get into a new rhythm, and the constant of it is that you and your H continue to work through things together as they come up. What LD and I have learned is that whatever happens, we can handle it as a team. That became our new reality somewhere down the line, and it's wonderful.

Stay positive! Stay optimistic! (Love your screen name )

You and your H are in a place where you can discuss what's on your minds. Keep doing that, keep communicating, and you can't go wrong.

[This message edited by authenticnow at 5:52 AM, April 26th (Friday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38940 | Registered: Sep 2007
Pudding
♀ 37168
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this. I am in much the same place and it is great. I too hope it lasts. I don't want us to break what we have and want to move forward together. It's good to low others are getting through it too.

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
Pudding
♀ 37168
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this. I am in much the same place and it is great. I too hope it lasts. I don't want us to break what we have and want to move forward together. It's good to low others are getting through it too.

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
SoVerySadNow
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, there's that voice in the back of my head that's saying there's a dip on the way.

I feel this way. WH and I have talked a lot the last month about my feeling this way. I think it's a way we keep our hearts safe- they have hurt us before and we keep a bit of ourselves back in safety.
It truly sounds like you and your H are in a good place.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
OptimisticWife
♀ 36587
Member # 36587
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your replies

Lucky, authenticnow and MrsDoubtfire, your replies had me smiling from ear to ear. I love this new intensity. I thought I was in love with my H pre A but this renewed love we have now is a whole new level.

I was sacrificing my own happiness (my choice) in order to 'help' my H through his pain for years. I thought that was how to love I guess and never felt as though I deserved more due to my own FOO issues. It was when I did start to put myself first that my H became more lost. Opportunity presented and for reasons we have discovered since, my H made some terrible choices and engaged in his A with an old HS 'friend'. (thanks FB)

Now, H puts me and our marriage first. His victim mentality has gone and he has become accountable. I no longer feel the need to be his 'savior' and I am now his partner. We are now a team like authenticnow discussed.

Our psychologist has helped us develop our skills in resolving conflict and giving each other space when needed. We have been able to fine tune these so that we both feel safe and respected when we do disagree. I'm finding that we hardly ever engage in arguments now. I guess that can be put down to the patience and respect we now have for each other.

blakesteele, I am so happy that my post can offer you hope. Overcoming infidelity really is a hard road to take but I believe that it is achievable when both BS and WS want it bad enough to do the work required. I hope that your journey continues in a positive direction

Pudding, I'm happy things are going along well for you too. All the best for a great future

SoVerySadNow, I totally agree with you that I am keeping part of my heart guarded. I too have spoken to my H about this. He understands. It makes him sad that he created this as I really am an optimistic, trusting and loving person by nature. He feels that he's responsible for 'breaking' me and I appreciate him acknowledging that. The gift I have given him in return is the promise that I will do the work to 'fix' myself. I have asked that he be there to love and support me through my healing and I have to say that these last few months he has exceeded my expectations. There comes a time where we have to take that leap of faith. I feel like I'm running to the edge and just holding back at the very last moment. I know I'm going to jump. I guess time will give me the courage I need.

Best wishes to you all. I wish you all a life full of healing, love and happiness.

Your replies are very much appreciate. Thanks again

[This message edited by OptimisticWife at 6:28 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2012
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With ups and downs, of course...

but it definitely can last.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2008
Topic Posts: 10

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