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Newest Member: Krissz (61514)

User Topic: will he come home?
♀ 39082
Member # 39082
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My profile gives more background, but basically, my husband can't let go of the A yet. We are separated, see each other often, are intimate. He says he loves me and is confused and scared about his future. He is dating and sleeping with her too. He said he thought he loved her and she would make him happy, but that hasn't happened. He can see us reconciling and knows it would be a long road. I have given him until our anniversary (July 3) to make the choice to reconcile or I'm filing. I love him so much. Will he come to his senses?

Me(34) - BS
Him(35) - WH
Married: 9 years
Two Kids: 4 and 6
D-Day #1: 7/12, D-Day #2: 4/24/13
Affair: EA to PA with coworker
Status of A: Says he broke it off after I went to her house and confronted both of them

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maine
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why should he come home? He has a wife with all the perks and few of the things that make a M frustrating and boring. He has a GF who is probably bending over backwards to make sure he doesn't leave her...which makes you pretty much the OW at this point because he's probably lying to her about your relationship.

He's doing some major cake-eating.

Why are you allowing yourself to be an option? There are two people in a M. Not one, not three. If he's created that dynamic then there is no M.

You can't be afraid of him leaving, he's already gone. If he comes back after his vacation from the M, you will have all that time to haunt you as you try to heal and repair the M. Think he'll want to do the hard work or sweep it under the rug? I would bet my house he'll say something like "Let it go already, I chose to come back to you."

No, in years of reading SI cheaters that leave don't come back until the bakery is closed and reality smacks them in the head. As my pastor informed me- if they are going to wake up, it's usually when the BS has had enough and files for D. The problem is, you have to be ready to file, which means if he does wake up you might not want his cheating, cake-eating craziness by then.

Try the 180. It's in the Healing Library on the left BS FAQs #11. Do this to close the bakery and begin to concentrate on who you are. Stick to it as much as you can and reevaluate where you are in a few weeks.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11650 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
♀ 37044
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for your situation. You say in your profile that you can't do this anymore, so STOP! Today.

Do you really want to share your WH? Stop. Get a vibrator if you don't already have one. You are used to frequent sex with your WH, make sure you continue to take care of that need without him. I say this because sometimes it's the little things that drive us nuts and make us do things we don't want to do.

Get STD testing done. Do a 180 now. The 180 is a series of actions that will empower you and help you take care of yourself while you recover from this. Your WH is doing what SI calls "cake eating". he is still in the "fog" of his A. Since, as I'm sure you've figured out by now, you can't control him, all you can do is take care of yourself in the best possible way right now.

Get lots of support IRL and here. Get into IC immediately. Unfortunately none of us have a crystal ball to predict the future or a magic wand to make your WH stop, but by applying the
180 to your actions starting today, in time things will become clearer, and you'll know what you want for your life, with or without your WH. If he's a reader, he should read 1 book now, since he says he "doesn't know what he wants", it's called "When Good People Have Affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It's a helpful, practical & non-judgemental guide for the confused WS.

If you don't know what the 180 is, you can read it here:

BW, R last 4 years of marriage out of 15... FINALLY, HAPPILY DIVORCING!

We are in R.

Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 25895
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I know you love him but trust me when I tell you this kind of love is killing you. You cannot love them back. Remember, this is not about you. It is him being a selfish ass. Why should he change his behavior. You are both telling him you don't mind sharing!

I tried to nice my WH back but he wouldn't stop contacting her. I couldn't take it. I would rather lose the marriage then have to share him with her.

Don't wait until July. Tell him this weekend that you are DONE. That you can no longer pretend to be married while he is living the free bird single life. Tell him that you will see an attorney this coming week to draw up divorce papers. Then stop taking his calls. Don't let him come by. Change the lock on the doors.
Hard 180 him.

Really, what do you have to lose by doing this? Your husband is already gone and has a GIRLFRIEND. Put your bitch boots on and see if this makes a difference.

Read my profile and you will see that until I decided to let him go, nothing changed.

We have a saying around here "this changes when you decide it does". Don't accept this behavior anymore.

You can send me a personal message if you need to. We are all behind you.

"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 498 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me too - why put yourself through this pain of not knowing what he's going to do?

Read about the 180 in the Healing Library (link in yellow box, upper left of SI pages) and execute it.

I know you're afraid you'll lose him, but he's already lost to you and to himself.


fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16807 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 38851
Member # 38851
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely understand your dilemna because its mine too

WH has been living with OW for over a year, and going back and forth the entire time

And for a while I was ok with that because I was showing him, in my messed up thoughts, that I could be still with him despite what hes done, show him what hes missing, show him that i still love him

But I felt guilty, used and abused afterwards and felt so out of control, but now "the bakery is closed"

Told him the last time he was here that I dont want to see him anymore until she is out of his life (that was 5 weeks ago) and now i have gone NC (2 weeks ago yesterday) Its tough but i need to focus on healing myself now.

My head is finally convincing my heart that despite loving this man who I have been with more than half my life, he is doing nothing to prove he wants to be with me. And all his words that he has been saying for over a year dont have the same power over me

You have to do this for yourself, because this is the ONLY thing you have control over. You cant make him come back, only he can choose that.

Its gonna be hard, you will miss him but you have to stop letting him use you. You are his spouse not the OW and by fence sitting and cake eating, he has made you both the BS and OW

Me-BS (44)
Him-WS (47)
DDay 1/1/2012, common law for 22 1/2 years when he began A in September 2011
Status: moving on without him

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 36711
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Married men don't get to have girlfriends. Cut him loose, and maybe he will see reality. As long as you are making him feel soothed and secure, and are maintaining your standing as plan "B" he doesn't have to do a bloody thing. It must be torture- but you can end the torture and gain control of your life.

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Married men don't get to have girlfriends.

^^^^^^ It's one or the other. Agree with all the above comments. He is cake-eating.
Read my profile too. My WH & I were separated for several months while he was still having contact with OW---it didn't end until I went to the lawyer for D.
As long as you are willing to be in a three way relationship, he will continue to do so. Nothing will change until you say "I've had enough of this!"

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 28 years/Together 29 years/4 kids together
OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

Posts: 2478 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 39082
Member # 39082
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all your responses and support. You all pretty much line up with the little voice in my head. My heart and stomach feel differently. He knows how to play me. He knows how to flirt with me to make me feel wanted. He knows what to stay to keep me from filing. I move into my own apartment next week. I am hoping this step will go a long way in gaining some security for MYSELF and not trying to get it from him. I'm going to try the 180 too. Thanks again!

Me(34) - BS
Him(35) - WH
Married: 9 years
Two Kids: 4 and 6
D-Day #1: 7/12, D-Day #2: 4/24/13
Affair: EA to PA with coworker
Status of A: Says he broke it off after I went to her house and confronted both of them

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maine
♀ 30143
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will he come to his senses?

I doubt it. You've not given him any reason to. You've made it possible for him to be married and have a girlfriend. Sounds like too good a deal for him to change it, honestly.

And you say he "can't" let go of the A yet. Not true. He can, he just won't.

I feel like you might want to post in "General" rather than in "Reconciliation" forum... There's nothing you written to suggest you are in Reconciliation.

Good luck, honey. This is so hard. You don't deserve what he is doing to you.

[This message edited by sudra at 9:57 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

Me (BW) (58), Him(SAWH) (61)
Married 24 years, 1 son (22), 1 stepdaughter (30)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1776 | Registered: Nov 2010
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When he starts playing you, have a mantra ready. Something like:

Not an option.
This isn't love.
I know where he's been and who he's been with.

Guard your heart. Go NC except texts or emails. It will allow you to keep a record of communication. It will also allow you to take time to consider your responses. Only respond to two topics: the kids and money. Ignore everything else.

He'll have less power over you.

When all else fails, remind yourself about the person he is NOW. He's the kind of man who has chosen to abandon his family. To use the mother of his children for his sexual gratification while he's living with the women who helped tear their lives. If you talk to him and he tries to be persuasive, remind yourself of their tears as they cry for daddy.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11650 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
♀ 36456
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So once you move into your own apartment, DO NOT LET HIM IN! It's your space, not the marriage space. As everyone else has said, a married man cannot have a girlfriend. He needs to choose one and stick with his decision. OR a better idea IMO is that you make the decision for him. If he can't give her up, then by default he loses you!

After my husband flew to OW#4's city and finally consummated their 6mo EA lurve affair, I didn't let him cross the threshold of our front door anymore. My kids were ready and waiting. It got to the point where he didn't even get out of the car. We didn't speak on the phone. Only short texts and emails related to kids and finances. We would sit beside each other at the boys' sporting events and never speak. Just a quick Hi and Bye.

Once I let go, my craziness got better. My life settled into a routine. Only After I told him that I planned to file and that I was "done" did he break down and start to come out of his fog. There is no guarantee for any of us that the fog will lift though.

One thing to keep in mind, the 180 is for YOU to heal. Don't threaten a divorce just to make him snap out. You need to make sure You are ready to divorce if/when you have that discussion.

Bottom line: Close the bakery and let him go. You will feel better about yourself in the end, whether or not he ever wakes up.


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Topic Posts: 12

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