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Should I contact OW?

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inlove67 posted 4/26/2013 06:50 AM

I still don't know the answer to this question. My significant other removed every girl from Facebook he either hooked up within the past or talked to during our relationship after I asked him to. Here moved the OW without request from me. I have her phone number. I called on DDAY bc I was hysterical...she hung up on me...but now I still want answers...I asked him if she had tried contacting him he told me "no she hasn't other than requesting me on Facebook again" I don't get it..doesn't she understand why she was deleted? That he wants me back and apparently doesn't give a crap about her? The fact that she was friends with him in the first place lets me know that she knew about me..I just don't know can I or should I question her? Is she dumb enough to think that what she did was no big deal? I am obviously more angry with my significant other but I feel like she is more likely to tell me the truth. I just don't want to look stupid desperate or pathetic.

[This message edited by inlove67 at 6:52 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

noprincess posted 4/26/2013 07:12 AM

Hi inlove67,

So sorry you have found yourself here but there are many strong and smart people who will help guide you through the mine fields.

What about a NC letter from your SO to the OW. Obviously, deleting her from FB wasn't enough of a clue for her - and its not enough. There are samples of NC letters in the Healing Library. He should send one immediately. I think your SO needs to do more for you to begin to feel safe again - complete transparency and NC.

As for contacting the OW - opinions will vary here on SI. IMO I think you shouldn't contact her. She knows you and your SO are in a committed relationship and she still wants in, but guess what? she's not in your relationship. Chances are she will only lie to you or say things to you that will make R more difficult, if not impossible.

I know this is a rollercoaster of emotions and pain. All of the people on SI understand and will do everything to help and support. (((inlove67)))

sunshine226 posted 4/26/2013 08:08 AM

IMHO, do not contact her, if she wants your man, she will not tell you the truth, or she will stretch the truth. That is whats happening in my situation. Even yesterday i got confirmation of a lie she told me.

So if you do find yourself getting in contact with her, dont take everything she tells you as truth, because she will have a motive for whatever she tells you and if its to get your man, she will lie through her teeth

Ashland13 posted 4/26/2013 09:00 AM

There's a chance that contacting the OW could make things worse for you. i feel like this each and every day but I refrain and it is my pride and self-empowerment, each and every time I do not do it.

What I want now in my foggy state is to see if OW knows that I am pregnant and it happened when STBXH tricked me to false R, while still "with" her.

But the high road is a major, major sourse of that same self-empowerment and pride and somedays is all I've got to hang onto.

I agree wholeheartedly with the post that talks about the lies OW could spin and that's partly why I think it has potential to be worse or at minimum, not any "real" answers.

It seems to be a common reaction for us BSs to want to do.

It took me the longest time to realize that she did steal him away, but he went. I blamed her for a long time and now I know it was the pair of them. I don't know if that will help and I'm sorry to say something you don't want to think about if that's so, but now it helps, kind of like seeing the forest through the trees.

OW in this case made it like a contest the one time (day after dday) that I was daring enough to respond. She has massive cat claws and also sabotaged his chance at return when he tried to do it for real.

So I have some knowledge of the type she is-ready to fight with me and doesn't even know me-

Yet my mind is riddled with questions too and things about OWhood that I simply will never be able to fathom.

Sorry for my long note, but hope you will decide what to do soon and be able to put it out of your mind.

Also, I found a really good counselor who has dealt with divorce and cheating for a long time and has been able to try to answer some questions about OW (and him), so that finding another source to ask the same questions is very helpful.

Another point made by a virtual friend and some people on SI is that contacting the OW may show her that she's important to you and chances are, will fuel her ego. When I heard that, it hit home.

Following that, this person said (she's also a betrayed wife) that it could get them more ammo or stuff to snicker about and that's very much what I feel goes on in this situation.

Ashland13 posted 4/26/2013 09:03 AM

P.S. I have a theory of my own that OW lives in a fog of her own and this helps remind me that contacting her would do no good...and she already probably has tremendous satisfaction at my loss.

If your H does NC for long enough, I suspect OW will get the idea that way and you will have saved a hassle for yourself if you don't contact her.

HelpMe123 posted 4/26/2013 09:27 AM

I have not contacted OW either but desire too as well. I don't do it because I believe that she already believes the lies he is telling her even though the events that have unfolded in the last 2 weeks would tell a different story. I know if I were in OW shoes (in my situation) I would be seriously questioning what I was being told by him and would need time and a space, but she gladly has taken him nightly. 2 weeks ago he was (not a very good one) a family man who went out occasionally and now he is gone wiht her each night. She has to know that he was with us prior to his A being exposed and now that it's exposed he's with her...not a red flag to her, huge red flag to me.

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