I'm no expert- it's just a human perspective more than anything else- if a girl makes a pass at me I don't feel tempted in any way- I just think I must be looking good. I hope you know what I mean.
Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.
WH and I would both tell you we've fully R'd from my affair. He has no triggers, I've earned back his trust, and I continue to just be completely transparent (it's just easier that way - I like having nothing to hide!). So is R possible without knowing the reason? Sure. But one thing our therapist said that hit me: neither of us could promise with 100% certainty that we wouldn't cheat again. In my head, I was like, what do you mean? Of course I can promise that!! But in discussing it further, he said our marriage was still just as vulnerable as it was on our wedding day. And I suppose he's right - as any remorseful WS will tell you, I didn't think I would cheat then. But I did. I don't think I'll cheat now... but, how can I be sure?? Is there something that goes deeper than a simple "I won't do it?" Our MC seems to believe so, and his professional opinion is that we're still vulnerable until we both understand a much deeper picture.
I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)
MUfan, could it be that your WS is aware of their whys but is unable to admit them to you? Just a thought. If that isn't the case then I'd say he needs to find another IC.
People get into As for many different reasons: need for validation, need for attention, personality disorders, sexual compulsion... The "why" is buried under that reason, what happened in their past that made their "need" more important than anything else, more important than their commitments to family and marriage, more important than their values, more important than their integrity?
We are in R.
Maybe your H is afraid to tell you the deeper issue they actually did dig up. Maybe your insured sessions had been used up. Maybe your H wasn't fully participating and had stopped making progress so the therapist fired him. Who knows, but his answer sounds too much like me saying I can't wear a size 6 because I'm fat. Well, yeah--but why am I fat? Because I eat too much. Well, yeah--but why do I eat too much? Because food comforts me. Well, yeah--but why do I turn to food for comfort? Good question and maybe if I could figure that one out then I wouldn't eat as much. Or I could stop at knowing I eat too much (or that I'm weak with poor food boundaries) and just try harder to be strong. My extra 30 pounds tells you that never lasts.
[This message edited by PeaceLove187 at 12:34 PM, April 26th (Friday)]
How long was he in? This just seems awfully sudden... did you hear this from the IC?
I'm sorry to be all question-y, it just sounds like WH is done digging or something.
Honestly, there's no good "why" that's going to clear this up... but betraying your spouse takes a lot of inner brokenness...
Would he be willing to find another IC that might be more, um, hands on?
Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16
Giving into temptation is ridiculous -- we're all tempted and we don't all cheat. If nothing else, he likely has poor boundaries. Has he read "Not 'Just Friends'"? That's a good place to start.
[This message edited by MUFan at 3:14 PM, April 26th (Friday)]
As for released- the IC said he didn't need to see him any more unless something new comes up to resolve.
6 weeks? Um, no, IMO. I can see 6 weeks for getting over the pain of having his world crash down around him, but I doubt he's changed much in that time. Hell, it takes 6 weeks just to get a new habit going - and he has to identify current bad habits, break them, decide what new ones he wants, and get the new habits integrated. 6 weeks? No.
My bet is that he's still got a WS mindset. It sounds like the problem is that he has lousy boundaries, but he doesn't recognize that yet - because he has lousy boundaries.
My advice is to continue to work on your own healing and to work on your M, but don't commit to R until he starts rebuilding trust in a big way. By not committing, you're demonstrating a solid boundary, and he might learn from that - so not committing yet may be best for him as well as for you.
[This message edited by sisoon at 4:51 PM, April 26th (Friday)]
I'm not sure because he doesn't know why he cheated.
Then I read 6 weeks? It took my FWSO almost a 6 months to figure out his issues.
He may not know but being weak is not an answer. It takes more to A than to walk away.
If I were in your situation, and you truly felt he wasn't trying to 'get better', truly feel remorse, and give 100% to R, then I would start to emotionally distance myself from my WS, and start following the 180 to get myself on track for being healthy and better without that person. That's just me though.