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6 months from D-Day...don't know where to turn.

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HeartbrokenMomTx posted 4/26/2013 08:00 AM

Hi everyone...having a hard time. Things are so back and forth with us. I find myself just trying not to think about it, and go on as normal with our life and our 3 little boys.

Coping mechanism I guess. It leaves him thoroughly confused though, because he thinks everything is going great again bc I'm not bringing it up and we arent having fights.

But then, out of nowhere, I can't hold back the awful thoughts about what he did to me and our family, and I'm right back into the "anger stage" again and letting him have it, or just ignoring him. One or the other.
We are almost 6 months out from d-day, and he is giving up. He doesn't want to talk about it, or deal with how hurt I am. He immediately becomes defensive when he sees I'm upset, or when I start talking about it again.

The other day when I was upset, he said maybe we should seperate and have some time to think to move forward. He thinks I just need to forgive him, and just begin to move on. If only it was that easy. He claims that he's trying, and says that I'm not.

I truly have a gut feeling that there are possibly other women or affairs that he is not telling me about. I told him in order for me to start healing, I need to truly believe that I know that he has told me everything. I brought up the subject of me wanting him to take a lie detector test, but he refuses. He says he doesn't believe that lie detectors work and he doesn't want to be falsely accused of something on the test.

We are both going to IC, and I would like to go to MC together, but once again he refuses. He says he doesn't think we are at that point yet to be able to go together. I tell him it isn't his decision whether or not he thinks we are ready. He did this to me!

I'm just frustrated and don't know where to turn. Thanks for listening.

tushnurse posted 4/26/2013 08:16 AM

HBTX, Welcom to the club no one wants to be a part of.

It sounds as though your H is attempting to take the Rugsweeping approach to healing from this. This does NOT work.

Please read the Healing library over to the left in the yellow box. There is a ton of good information on what it takes to successfully heal.

Personally the fact that he is giving you the just get over it bit, and gets agitated when you try to discuss what he CHOSE to do, is a huge problem. For R to work the Wayward absolutely has to understand why they did what they did, and provide, support, sympathy, and be empathetic to the Betrayed partner.

You deserve to know what happened and how and why, you also deserve to have love and support, when you have concerns, questions and triggers. If you are not getting this, and it sounds like you are absolutely not, you need make him aware that if he cannot provide it, that R will not work.

The fact that he is suggesting separation is a red flag as well. Sounds like he may be in A again, or have a new one in line. He doesn't want you watching over his shoulder.

There are a ton of wonderful people here. You will get lots of good advice, sometimes it may be painful to read, or hear, but we are all trying to prevent you from having more pain, and making the same mistakes we made.

((((and strength))))

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/26/2013 08:30 AM

Heartbroken, I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Like you, I don't believe for a second that you know everything he's done behind your back. Being candid, the fact that he thought nothing of crossing the line with a trusted friend kind of speaks volumes about his lack of boundaries. Couple that with his anger and threats of 'separation' every time you try to bring the subject up with him, PLUS his unwillingness to take a poly (because he knows damned well he'd fail it miserably) all just scream "liar."

You can't reconcile with someone who clearly doesn't see the error of his ways AND is still lying through his teeth to you about his other dalliances.

I hope things turn around for you, HeartbrokenMomTx.

Reality posted 4/26/2013 08:49 AM

Hi, Heartbroken. All the welcome and sympathy.

What you're describing sounds like my last year. Definitely rug sweeping, like NeverAgain said.

The reason you go back to that surge of anger is because he's triggering you. That blaming you and refusing to acknowledge that your feelings are every bit as real and valid as any "effort" he's making shows that, nope, he's still not taking responsibility for what he did. Not really.

I think there's some element of playing to the crowd, covering his public persona to show "Hey, look, I'm a decent guy" while still maintaining the ego, the blaming, and the self centered source of perspective that got your marriage to the spot it's in.

In other words, false reconciliation. He's sorry he got caught, not that he did it. BIG difference. And one, obviously, you feel.

Full transparency is so important because it's a gigantic measuring stick for them owning up to their choices, the ramifications, and that nothing is more important - not safety, not image, not pride - than mending the injury they've done you. If they won't commit to that, they're not committing to you. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's the plain truth.

So much of dealing with an affair is having to realize that the commitment you made was not returned. What was important to you, wasn't important to them. There's no miscommunication. There's no misunderstanding. They chose that.

Now, what is he choosing? Is he really choosing you?

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