"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Bikingguy posted 4/26/2013 08:24 AM

at an event this weekend. We have talked quite a bit about how we might act should we run into OM and OM's BS. However I do feel if OM does not walk away, I will express my displeasure with my "ex friend". I am aware of possible consequences (unlike WW and OM for 15 years) and am OK with them. I would like to say this does not come from a place of anger, but this man waged a way against me and my family. Had the balls to try and be a part of our life, was at the birth of my kids (see other post about paternity) all while knowing what was going on.

Sort of changing topics here: but the last comment is something I have thought a lot about with WW. I have concluded lately that remorse is not enough. I think I understand the qualities of a person who can do something like that for 15 years, and it's not someone I wish to live with. It's might not be enough that WW changes, I think I need for her to do some major IC work (she has agreed and already started) to determine how she rationalized this in her head.

Ashland13 posted 4/26/2013 09:11 AM

I like that, Biking Guy.

My STBXH claims remorse and I suspect large amounts of guilt, but I am slowly moving towards D because he is still having the A and living there.

He gave me the "let's be friends" line and has done and said too much for that.

I really relate to your comment about wanting your WW to seek her own conclusions about the rationalizing. I would also wish strongly for STBXH to feel what it's like to hear the minimalizing he does, because no matter what words he tries to use for labels, he still did really, really bad things.

I'm impressed you WW has agreed to do that type of work and wish you (both) luck in finding what you want and some peace.

atsenaotie posted 4/26/2013 09:19 AM

I understand your desire to express your opinion. It will not matter to him, he will use it to show that you are unstable or nuts.

I worked with one of FWW's OM. Ultimately, I felt the best when I was able to ignore him as I would any other person there I did not know. I would look past him, not acknowledge him. not make any effort to avoid or move towards him.

You should discuss expectations with your WW if OM cames over to her or both of you to "make nice".

Other than to avoid stepping in it, I do not give much consideration to dog crap and my orientation towards interaction with any of her OM is about the same. If I do get some on my shoe I clean it off and move on. No reason to be mad at a piece of $hit.

numb&dumb posted 4/26/2013 12:21 PM

If you do see him, he will probably turn tail and flee. That is what somebody who is so twisted to carry on like that would do.

Just a word of warning, Before my current M, I was engaged to my college sweetheart and she betrayed me. I thought I could handle it, but in the situation it turned out I couldn't. It did not end well for anyone involved.

Just be mindful that it is easy to plan, but there is always an unknown element that can derail the plan.

Try to keep the focus on your W, indifference is the goal. I know that is easier said than done. He is no longer part of your life, your W is, that is the person who "owes" you. Your paid the consequence of being cut out of your life. Your have decided to keep your W a part of it, so keep the future you envision in focus.

Bikingguy posted 4/26/2013 13:10 PM

"If you do see him, he will probably turn tail and flee. That is what somebody who is so twisted to carry on like that would do."

Only problem with that is my WW is an OW to OM's BS. So WW should also turn tail and flee if we see them together. And any words or actions OM's BS would have for my WW would be warranted and I would do nothing to stop it. Ah what a crazy mess

numb&dumb posted 4/26/2013 15:38 PM

True. I am guessing your W is feeling a lot of shame over this too. Yes I most more concerned about your interaction with OM. I will say BW are slightly less likely to escalate something into a physical confrontation.

Is there a way to avoid going ? If you can't can you come up with a strategy to handle it ?

7yrsflushed posted 4/26/2013 15:43 PM

I will say BW are slightly less likely to escalate something into a physical confrontation.

That isn't always the case. My WW got confronted at her job by the BW. My WW also almost got beat up when the BW caught them the weekend before DDay coming out of an apartment. My WW locked herself in the car and the police were called. You never know what a person is going to do and in this case they all know each other as OM and bikingguy were friends. Biking guy take some deep breaths before you do anything if you see him and your WW needs to assume a shitstorm may get released on her but hope it doesn't.

JanaGreen posted 4/26/2013 15:50 PM

Yeah, I would be careful. Even if you can control yourself around the OM, his BW might not be able to. My situation is a little different - my H did a lot of shit, but there was never really any true affair partner to share the blame (long story). If there were, I would DEFINITELY not trust myself not to hurt her. Be safe. Do you have to attend?

LonelyHusband posted 4/26/2013 16:17 PM

Personally I would stay away. Even seeing him is likely to be traumatic for you.

15 months out I rarely think of the OM, but when I do its with little more than mild contempt. However, now and again I feel a flash of proper earth shattering rage. In the first six months, that's ALL I had, bubbling away under the surface. If the opportunity had arisen, I shudder to think of what I might have done. If there is any kind of confrontation, then anything he says is only going to serve to either upset or enrage you, whereas his shield of "I dont give a fuck about anyone else" will protect him from the emotional pain you will feel. Either way, you come off worse.

shyguy posted 4/26/2013 16:18 PM

Best to avoid any contact at all for as long as possible. No contact will protect you!

CuckoldedinMa posted 4/26/2013 16:24 PM

Hi bikingguy, I've been wondering how you are holding up.

I, for one, can't really think of a positive outcome from confronting OM. Having just delivered the news to my WW that it's more than likely over, I had rehearsed the words in my head numerous times... but as others have pointed out, it never goes how you imagined it.

OM has to know how angry and disgusted you are with him and your WW. And if he doesn't... the conversation is only going to cause you even more pain that you're experiencing.

Steer clear, IMO.

1Faith posted 4/26/2013 16:42 PM

Biking

Can you not go? I don't know that I could handle my emotions if I ran into the OW.

It's been 20 months and I think I will still want to tear into her. It would ruin my whole day/week/month/year just to see her. I just hate to see you put yourself in a situation that will be so gut wrenching if you can avoid it.

I give you credit if you think you can take the higher ground.

I agree with the IC and considering all of your options. I am so very sorry for you. My heart aches for you.

I highly recommend IC for you too. It is time you are kind to yourself and figure out the best way to heal for you. You have had a lot to absorb.

One day at a time. No major decisions have to be made today.

Be honest and kind with yourself as well.

Sending healthy hugs.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Bikingguy posted 4/26/2013 19:22 PM

Oh, who said I would be taking the higher ground
And I wasn't planning on discussing anything with OM.
One good "comment" is all I really want. My luck my "comment" would miss and land on someone else or someone else would get hurt. Now if our feet happen to tangle will running, well not much I can about that:)

And yes we totally can avoid it.
More info: it's a 5K run that WW, me and oldest son are signed up for. Mentioned to WW that I didn't want to stick around after wards, as we might run into OM. WW said the odds of him doing the event are rare. I had already checked on the web site and OM is signed up for a longer run. WW is not really concerned about seeing OM, says she will ignore him, but it really worried about OM's BW.
I will leave it to her as I have nothing to be ashamed of. We will probably be done before and could leave just after.

Besides I really do not like running and only do it as it really helps me lose weight. Fact that OM got WW into it sucks, but oh well. I am more looking forward to Saturday (run is on Sunday) I have a 62 mile charity bike ride with 6,000 feet of climbing over some really pretty mountains east of the city. The run was just to keep WW company. Will let everyone know how it goes.

confused615 posted 4/26/2013 21:16 PM

You're going to have your son with you? Then there's your answer...you do/say nothing. You have no idea how the OM may react. And if you say something to her husband,the BW may feel it's ok to say something to your WW. All of this in front of your son.

Do what BW's are told to do if they're going to see the OW....look great...hold your head high...and ignore them.

stronger08 posted 4/27/2013 04:34 AM

I guess I'm kind of lucky that I don't have any interactions with any of my XWW OM. I honestly don't think I could be mentally able to take that "high road" One glance or smirk that I saw, and if he even opened his mouth to me except for an apology I would be all over him like flies on shit. IDK how some of you guys can do it. Your better people than I am. I'm many years out. D and basically have made peace with what has happened. But I do not forget. I have forgiven for my own peace of mind. If I was to run into any of the OM I don't think I could be calm and collected. At the very least I would have to voice my opinion publicly about what a POS they are. I've struggled with this for a few years now. But its just the way I am and I accept that.

1Faith posted 5/1/2013 10:04 AM

So did you go? Did you run into him? How did it go?

(((hugs)))

Bikingguy posted 5/1/2013 10:49 AM

Thanks for asking.

We considered skipping it, but this will come up time and time again - and I have nothing to hide. Although WW does not want to run into OM's BW. We realized we would finish the event about an hour before POS, so WW, me and son did the event.

While the actually running part went OK - WW had her best time, it was a really stressfull day. I was pretty much on edge the entire morning. And we spend way too much time discussing this ahead of time. Not the kind of "new memories" we are really hoping for. I will say my 13 year old son ran it in 26 minutes.

After the event WW and I showered together and she really broke down and cried for all that I have to deal with. May sound terrible, but I am really touched with those moments as I feel she sort of gets it. Way more work for both of us to do, but doing OK considering.

PS as many say, I hope I am in my truck when I "run into OM"

1Faith posted 5/1/2013 12:58 PM

Well I am glad it went okay overall.

Kudos to your son.

Take one "victory" at a time. Healing is a process. There are many stages. Many steps forward and some back but as long as you are moving that is good. ☺

I hope you find your path to healing.

Stay strong.