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How to help BS with Triggers

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melhav posted 4/26/2013 08:42 AM

Today is a year from D-Day one for us and we are still together. This is a blessing. The details of all of my affairs are still not out and my BS continues to trigger and have horrible mind movies. We have started talking about them which is causing more triggers for both of us. Can you offer up some suggestions on what you have done to help your BS deal with the horrible triggers and mind movies they experience? Thank you in advance.

Pudding posted 4/26/2013 10:24 AM

BS here. Hope it's OK.

This morning, my FWH held me tight and told me that every time I triggered I was to think back to being held tenderly by him and remember that he loved me and wanted to stay with me for eve and wake up with me every day. He told me he was really sorry for what he had done and understood how I was feeling.

This has helped me a lot, but might not have done a few months ago. I think it would only help, when the BS is ready to work on R and is beginning to get some of the trust back. It might not work too soon.

One important thing, is for the WS to recognise and understand why the BS is hurting so much. That helps a lot.

I am trying to replace triggers by flipping to good feelings about my FWH, so that a bad upsetting thought is then followed by a memory of something nice. It's early days for me, but working today.

Good luck and thank you for trying for your BS

IGaveItMyAll posted 4/26/2013 14:27 PM

The details of all of my affairs are still not out and my BS continues to trigger and have horrible mind movies.
The triggers will not go away until all the details are out on the table. It took me knowing "everything" to stop having these gut wrenching triggers and mind movies. I say "Everything" because you never really have all the info but I had enough that I felt I could move forward. So you are a year and still TT. The faster you lay it all out there the sooner you can start moving forward.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 4/26/2013 14:47 PM

Acknowledge and apologize every.single.time. Even when she isn't triggering, acknowledge and apologize.

It meant most to me when H apologized and hugged me when I wasn't in the middle of a trigger/A thought.

EasyDoesIt posted 4/26/2013 14:50 PM

BS treading somewhat lightly. You need to reveal everything you've done. Anything less than total transparency and complete admission is felt by your BS as continuing to offend, continuing to cheat. Please don't do this to your BS. You're not protecting him from the truth. Imagine the whole truth to be a hammer. Will it hurt any less if you cover the head of the hammer with a paper towel before you swing it? No.

libertyrocks posted 4/26/2013 14:58 PM

BS here, too. With my 2 pennies. Plainly saying "I love you" does it for me. I feel like I need to see and hear it. No apologies, no discussion, just I LOVE YOU. Three little words go far for me. Good luck and proud of you for trying! It's not easy on your part either...

And, please please just get it all over with. Don't torture him anymore with left out details. Once your done, it will be done and you'll never have to go through it again.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:59 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

meplusfour posted 4/26/2013 15:09 PM

BS here. During a trigger, it is helpful for WH to tell me that he is sorry for causing this pain, and what can he do to help me get through this day. Sometimes the act of acknowledging responsibility and giving emotional support is enough.

To reiterate previous posters, you need to come clean. Admit to the full extent of your affairs and until you do so, your BS will likely continue the mind movies. Just a final comment in confessing, please choose your words carefully~be honest and truthful but not unnecessarily cruel. You had mentioned that you and BS are talking about triggers and mind movies, if this involves graphic sexual details, please be careful how you say things. For me, at a certain point, I do not want to know all of the graphic details because I cannot "unhear" words and descriptions. If you are working with a MC, you might want to talk about this. Does this make any sense?

melhav posted 4/26/2013 20:08 PM

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and helpful tips. I know that I need to get everything truthfully out to him in order for some of the mind movies to stop.
meplusfour - yes I understand what you are talking about. I had already made mistakes in this area and what he hears cannot be unheard or undone. It is hard but I am trying to choose my words carefully not to set off any more damage.

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