Is this a good idea? I so want to take this away from OW as "their" place even though it won't even know. However, will I trigger? Will FWH trigger? Will it totally suck?
If I do book it, should I surprise FWH or should I ask him if he wants to do this?
Has anyone (I am sure some have) done this and what was your experience? We are 3 years from d-day, so I was thinking I was maybe in a place to handle this, but I am nervous about it.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I couldn't do it. There are so many other hotels I don't see a need to challenge myself in this way.
There are so many other hotels I don't see a need to challenge myself in this way.
The hotel they stayed in was a Best Western. This one is a nicer one, although, it isn't a hotel I usually would chose to stay in as I have had some pretty awful stays at Best Western's.
I just don't want it to be "their" hotel, kwim?
I kind of look at it a little differently - even if you stay at a different Best Western, have you truly "reclaimed" the hotel, or just the brand? For me, I won't go into two places ever again - no desire to. I didn't really eat at them prior to her A, so I don't have any desire to reclaim shitty spots to begin with. To hell with them - they can have them. I can understand staying at a Best Western (they do have some nice ones), but for your 34th anni, do you want to settle for that, or at a posh Intercontinental or equivalent? After all, you're worth it .
Don't make YOUR anniversary celebration be about her which is what going to that hotel would be.
If anything, I'd go to the MOST expensive hotel I could afford and do the damn thing up bigger!
Do you love Best Western of something?
Screw her low-life, insignificant, knuckle-dragging ass!!
Enjoy yourself for you and make FWH buy you expensive stuff, order the most expensive stuff and "chuckle" to yourself about it is you must. Let that be your "reclamation".
There was only 1 hotel they ever went to and they only went there once... but its on the main drag of town and I drive by it regularly.
Last weekend was the 13th anniversary of our first date and I told him - that I wanted that hotel to be "our place" - he loved the idea - and we had a great time
I understand that it might not be the best idea for everyone - but it was right for me... it took away the secrecy, now i know what the lobby looks like, I know what the rooms look like, I'm just one of those people that needs to face things head on...
A few days after our stay, I asked him if he thought of her while we were there - he said that she NEVER even crossed his mind - but that from now on, he will never drive by that place and not think of me
That said - if you feel strong enough to reclaim a place they used, do it on a nothing day. OW should not be significant enough to even warrant your thoughts on your anniversary, but on an insignificant Tuesday for no other reason than this is the day I'm going to rock the bedroom with a man who picked me... I say go for it! Then it doesn't become the place where they were, it becomes the place where you two ARE, and very well might be again. And again.
I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)
I think doing it on another day instead of an anniversary might be helpful, but you have to decide what works for you. I highly recommend reclaiming though......now when H and I talk about those places we are talking about out times together there and the fun we had.
It is up to you if you want to try it, but I'd also advise against doing it on your anniversary...For that; most expensive place you (read; he) can afford where you will be treated like a Queen and able to focus purely on the two of you, with no 3rd party or agenda involved.
If I do book it, should I surprise FWH
The bad news is there is no key to happiness. The good news is it isn't locked.
As far as other places, there are so many triggers I have with WH's A's, it's pretty much all over, everywhere, in anything. IF I let it. I read in Healing Library to either let the trigger get to you or conquer it. You're a strong woman, I think you can conquer it.
For me, I actually don't feel I really want to 'reclaim' any place or thing with my WW. I want those places to be in the past with her and her AP, where they belong. That isn't to say *I* won't go to those places on my own or with a friend, etc., but I just feel very uncomfortable, like I'm somehow "joining" my WW and the OM if I go to a place they "shared". I'd rather have no part of it and not cheapen myself by doing that. And that is really what it would feel like to me: stooping to that level to "reclaim" something that I actually don't care to claim on any level. It also might help that the places they went/stayed were pretty low-end and sketchy (budget casino hotel in Las Vegas: The Cannery; and the Red Lion Hotel located about a quarter mile off the tarmac of the airport. Not the most romantic or attractive places to go).
Instead, I'd rather go places with my WW that are more appropriate for where we are in our M, as well as for us as individuals. And, of course, that haven't been defiled by the foulness of an A.
But more power to you if you think you'll gain something by visiting the very place your WS chose to desecrate your marriage and betray your family. For some, that may be therapeutic, I guess?
if it was me personally, i'd book at a different hotel...the bigger, bolder and more luxurious, the better!!!
Take it back another day. discuss with fWH, get on the same page and make the journey another time.
here's hoping you have a fabulous weekend!
I like the idea of reclaiming places and things as a way to desensitize ourselves from triggers. But I prefer to think of it, as me doing what I want, when I want, all with a clear disregard for MOW. I must confess that I am very inconsiderate of her and her wants.
Also, iggy, Tred, and Theradin points taken about reclaiming something I don't really want anyways. I will ponder that.
Beemer and Alex ~ that is great and I am glad that has been a positive experience.
Painfool ~ uuummmm, yeah, I wouldn't want to claim that at all. Eeewwwww! Yeah, I can see how "surprising" MisterSister with the hotel is probably a little twisted.
Can you imagine?!!?! I'm so tempted now to take fWH out for a little surprise 'treat' and pull up at that dirty hotel just to see the look on his face! . (I do apologise for this twistedness- feel free to slap me )
I wouldn't because it is such a sleazy place I wouldn't even go into the lobby. It is called Candlelight, one of those heart shaped jacuzzi, nasty STD places.
"Look, as sentient meat, however illusory our identities are, we craft those identities by making value judgments. Everybody judges, all the time. Now, you got a problem with that, you’re living wrong."