"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

SisterMilkshake posted 4/26/2013 08:56 AM

It is our 34th wedding anniversary this weekend. I have been toying with the idea of booking a room in the main hotel they hooked up in.

Is this a good idea? I so want to take this away from OW as "their" place even though it won't even know. However, will I trigger? Will FWH trigger? Will it totally suck?

If I do book it, should I surprise FWH or should I ask him if he wants to do this?

Has anyone (I am sure some have) done this and what was your experience? We are 3 years from d-day, so I was thinking I was maybe in a place to handle this, but I am nervous about it.

LivinginLimbo posted 4/26/2013 09:11 AM

I already told my H that I will never stay in a Courtyard again. (That was as high end as he was willing to spring for with the OW.)

I couldn't do it. There are so many other hotels I don't see a need to challenge myself in this way.

SisterMilkshake posted 4/26/2013 09:18 AM

There are so many other hotels I don't see a need to challenge myself in this way.

I totally understand that, LivinginLimbo.

The hotel they stayed in was a Best Western. This one is a nicer one, although, it isn't a hotel I usually would chose to stay in as I have had some pretty awful stays at Best Western's.

I just don't want it to be "their" hotel, kwim?

Tred posted 4/26/2013 09:25 AM

SMS,

I kind of look at it a little differently - even if you stay at a different Best Western, have you truly "reclaimed" the hotel, or just the brand? For me, I won't go into two places ever again - no desire to. I didn't really eat at them prior to her A, so I don't have any desire to reclaim shitty spots to begin with. To hell with them - they can have them. I can understand staying at a Best Western (they do have some nice ones), but for your 34th anni, do you want to settle for that, or at a posh Intercontinental or equivalent? After all, you're worth it .

iggyD posted 4/26/2013 09:34 AM

SMS -

Don't make YOUR anniversary celebration be about her which is what going to that hotel would be.

If anything, I'd go to the MOST expensive hotel I could afford and do the damn thing up bigger!

Do you love Best Western of something?

Screw her low-life, insignificant, knuckle-dragging ass!!

Enjoy yourself for you and make FWH buy you expensive stuff, order the most expensive stuff and "chuckle" to yourself about it is you must. Let that be your "reclamation".

Beemer posted 4/26/2013 10:59 AM

We actually just did this last weekend... It was wonderful!

There was only 1 hotel they ever went to and they only went there once... but its on the main drag of town and I drive by it regularly.

Last weekend was the 13th anniversary of our first date and I told him - that I wanted that hotel to be "our place" - he loved the idea - and we had a great time

I understand that it might not be the best idea for everyone - but it was right for me... it took away the secrecy, now i know what the lobby looks like, I know what the rooms look like, I'm just one of those people that needs to face things head on...

A few days after our stay, I asked him if he thought of her while we were there - he said that she NEVER even crossed his mind - but that from now on, he will never drive by that place and not think of me

ms521 posted 4/26/2013 12:14 PM

I love the idea of reclaiming a place as your own, but I'm not sure I'd do it for an anniversary. That's YOUR day. Your marriage is intact despite OW, you guys need to celebrate the accomplishment of your relationship without her presence anywhere near you. I agree with the people who suggested doing it bigger and better.

That said - if you feel strong enough to reclaim a place they used, do it on a nothing day. OW should not be significant enough to even warrant your thoughts on your anniversary, but on an insignificant Tuesday for no other reason than this is the day I'm going to rock the bedroom with a man who picked me... I say go for it! Then it doesn't become the place where they were, it becomes the place where you two ARE, and very well might be again. And again.

And again.

Alex CR posted 4/26/2013 14:03 PM

I made an effort to go to the hotels, restaurants and other places H had gone with OW. I wanted him to think about us in those places, not them, and the only way that would happen, in my opinion, was for us to create our own memories.

I think doing it on another day instead of an anniversary might be helpful, but you have to decide what works for you. I highly recommend reclaiming though......now when H and I talk about those places we are talking about out times together there and the fun we had.

Painfool posted 4/26/2013 14:40 PM

I'm quite happy for the hotel they used to be 'hers,' as it was the cheapest one they could find in the entire city, and 'my' hotels (places he has since taken me) don't even compare (this feels like a childlike, sticky-out tongue moment for me here! ). If it wasn't some kind of cockroach-infested dive I may have tried reclaiming it, but I'm quite happy for it to be left where it is...I can drive past it now too without even thinking about it sometimes, which is enough for me.

It is up to you if you want to try it, but I'd also advise against doing it on your anniversary...For that; most expensive place you (read; he) can afford where you will be treated like a Queen and able to focus purely on the two of you, with no 3rd party or agenda involved.

And erm...

If I do book it, should I surprise FWH

This made my twisted little sense of humour rear it's ugly little head and....Sister!! Can you imagine?!!?! I'm so tempted now to take fWH out for a little surprise 'treat' and pull up at that dirty hotel just to see the look on his face! . (I do apologise for this twistedness- feel free to slap me )

libertyrocks posted 4/26/2013 14:48 PM

Hmmm, I too think it's a good idea to create new memories. Some I can, we went to a really nice hotel after Dday. It was hard for me, but I did it and I'm glad I did it.

As far as other places, there are so many triggers I have with WH's A's, it's pretty much all over, everywhere, in anything. IF I let it. I read in Healing Library to either let the trigger get to you or conquer it. You're a strong woman, I think you can conquer it.

Theradin posted 4/26/2013 14:55 PM

You raise an interesting point and concept. It's the concept of 'reclaiming' something that has been tainted by the disgusting behavior and actions in an A.

For me, I actually don't feel I really want to 'reclaim' any place or thing with my WW. I want those places to be in the past with her and her AP, where they belong. That isn't to say *I* won't go to those places on my own or with a friend, etc., but I just feel very uncomfortable, like I'm somehow "joining" my WW and the OM if I go to a place they "shared". I'd rather have no part of it and not cheapen myself by doing that. And that is really what it would feel like to me: stooping to that level to "reclaim" something that I actually don't care to claim on any level. It also might help that the places they went/stayed were pretty low-end and sketchy (budget casino hotel in Las Vegas: The Cannery; and the Red Lion Hotel located about a quarter mile off the tarmac of the airport. Not the most romantic or attractive places to go).

Instead, I'd rather go places with my WW that are more appropriate for where we are in our M, as well as for us as individuals. And, of course, that haven't been defiled by the foulness of an A.

But more power to you if you think you'll gain something by visiting the very place your WS chose to desecrate your marriage and betray your family. For some, that may be therapeutic, I guess?

SorrowBhindSmile posted 4/26/2013 14:58 PM

this is a difficult situation. I am all for taking it back and conquering. But i agree with other posters....your anniversary should be about you and your fWH. Make that day special and about the 2 of you. Its not worth the possibility of dealing with triggers and letting the AP into your anniversary.

if it was me personally, i'd book at a different hotel...the bigger, bolder and more luxurious, the better!!!

Take it back another day. discuss with fWH, get on the same page and make the journey another time.

here's hoping you have a fabulous weekend!

refuz2bavictim posted 4/26/2013 15:18 PM

ANY day but your anniversary....is my vote. Book that room somewhere really nice!

I like the idea of reclaiming places and things as a way to desensitize ourselves from triggers. But I prefer to think of it, as me doing what I want, when I want, all with a clear disregard for MOW. I must confess that I am very inconsiderate of her and her wants.

SisterMilkshake posted 4/26/2013 15:38 PM

You are all right, I will not be booking that hotel for this weekend. What was I thinking? The frugal me: 2 birds, 1 stone.

Also, iggy, Tred, and Theradin points taken about reclaiming something I don't really want anyways. I will ponder that.

Beemer and Alex ~ that is great and I am glad that has been a positive experience.

Painfool ~ uuummmm, yeah, I wouldn't want to claim that at all. Eeewwwww! Yeah, I can see how "surprising" MisterSister with the hotel is probably a little twisted.

Can you imagine?!!?! I'm so tempted now to take fWH out for a little surprise 'treat' and pull up at that dirty hotel just to see the look on his face! . (I do apologise for this twistedness- feel free to slap me )

But, yeah, this would be really twisted and hysterical to me. No slaps, just giggles.

sunshine226 posted 4/26/2013 16:44 PM

I've thought about doing the same thing someday

good luck

UndecidedinMA posted 4/26/2013 16:57 PM

Glad you decided no, especially your anniversary. You just don't need her imagine in either head on YOUR day.

I wouldn't because it is such a sleazy place I wouldn't even go into the lobby. It is called Candlelight, one of those heart shaped jacuzzi, nasty STD places.

Painfool posted 4/27/2013 08:07 AM

guarded posted 5/4/2013 07:37 AM

Thinking about it now, makes me laugh, as I just realized what a skanky place the hotel they went to was....hmmm, if the shoe fits....!

SisterMilkshake posted 5/4/2013 14:37 PM

Ascendant posted 5/4/2013 18:00 PM

What I've been doing, slowly but surely, is going to the places that I know my wife and the POSOM went (bars/restaurants, mostly), and visiting those places with either unsuspecting friends and/or family. Since it doesn't feel like a "date" I don't trigger, and the next time I pass those places by, my memory is of the last time I was there, not them.