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I think she's playing a game

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ms521 posted 4/26/2013 09:43 AM

WH and MOW still work together and share several accounts, so their NC is limited to work only contact if necessary. WH also told MOW that I have access to his work email from home and can check anytime during the day. Their email exchanges dropped off a cliff - only work related and most of them had other people as CCs.

But now, two months out, MOW has recently started withholding important work information. Recently, WH ended up in a spot where he looked a little foolish at a meeting because she shared vital information with everyone except WH. She's adopted this angry, childish attitude of "you said you wanted no contact, I'm just giving you what you asked for." Last week, he requested a report about some client visit, which she ignored. He went to her office to get it and told me she wouldn't even look at him, just kept typing, and gave him brief, curt, 1-word answers. He left pissed off, but determined not ask her "what's wrong" or get into anything personal.

I told him I was upset that he went to her office. From where I sit, I think that's exactly what she wants and exactly WHY she's now withholding work information. WH is brushing it off and saying she's withholding information simply because she's "mad" at him and wants to punish him. Right. I don't doubt she's mad and hurt by the fact that he chose me (she said she'd leave her husband for my WH, which obviously he hasn't taken her up on that yet)... but I can't shake the belief that she's keeping important work information from him ONLY because it's the only card she has left to play. It forces him to come to her, and I think she wants to see ANY emotion from WH.

Am I right to be paranoid? Or could it really be "nothing" more than her anger. For what it's worth, I think if she truly hated him, she'd give him the information he needed to keep him away from her.

Knowing posted 4/26/2013 10:11 AM

It's no surprise she can't handle her feelings, that's how they wind up having As in the first place! These people are broken, after all.

At some point in the near future, it would be perfectly reasonable for your WH to address her attempts to undermine his work. I don't know his position, but I'm sure he has recourse if she continues to undermine his work since that will affect the company/organization.

Do you talk about his boundaries, and how to strengthen them?

ms521 posted 4/26/2013 10:22 AM

We talk a lot about boundaries, and I suppose her behavior makes a good argument for why it should be an ongoing conversation. WH knows I'm not comfortable with him going to her office for any reason. Frankly, in this day and age, I see no reason for them to be face-to-face at all, unless the boss calls a group meeting or something. WH seems to be listening - he showed me the email he sent to her where he asked her for information on a few clients, and he bulleted his list. I looked just now and saw that she replied back with minimal answers to his questions in a bulleted list of her own.

My suggestion was for him to just make sure he emails her for everything needed, and saves his emails. That way, if the ball gets dropped, he'll have proof that he asked for information and she failed to deliver it.

hardlessons posted 4/26/2013 10:29 AM

I would ask what is your boundary expectations between you and your WH? She obviously doesn't have any and is still pining away for him, but why is this ok with you that they work together that closely? I think the bigger question is how many times are you willing to draw another line in the sand?

What work did you do to overcome your A?

Painfool posted 4/26/2013 10:54 AM

This is something your WH needs to take note of, and take to his boss. If she's playing games like this at work, he needs to treat it in a completely professional manner as if she were any other member of staff. As a talk with her is out of the question (and would likely make no difference, even if he did- definitely NOT suggesting that he does here btw) then he's being perfectly reasonable to have an informal chat with his boss, or even make a formal complaint about her behaviour. And above all, get evidence, and keep it documented (your WH, not you).

And yes it's the only card she had left to play. She's clearly not a 'well-adjusted individual.' (who is during a WS period) so I'd try and forget trying to figure out her motivations. I'd imagine that any reaction or attention is desired...(Though treating it as a purely professional problem shouldn't feed this...hopefully!)

Edited due to strange predictive nonsense!

[This message edited by Painfool at 10:55 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

ms521 posted 4/26/2013 12:07 PM

@hardlessons - I hate that they work together. I hated it with OW1 too but knew on some level that changing jobs wouldn't fix whatever is going on in his head that allows this to happen. For the moment, we are not in a position where he can just quit - but he is actively looking elsewhere and is (fingers SOOO crossed) hopefully close to getting an offer from another firm.

In the meantime, my boundary with MOW2 is firm; NC except unavoidable work stuff, and that should be all in email where I can see it. She can pine away for him all she wants, and she can even make things hard for him at work (as I told WH - perhaps the difficulty he's having right now in getting things done should be viewed as a very logical consequence). However, you bring up a good point in that while I know my line in the sand, I haven't actually thought of what I will do if that line is crossed. I suppose the one big card I have left to play, if she pushes me, is that her BS is still in the dark about the woman he's married to.

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