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ajsmom posted 4/26/2013 10:22 AM

Well, as it turns out I’ll be seeing my recently un-friended and blocked on FB passive/aggressive youngest sibling yards earlier than I had hoped.

She emailed me at 11 p.m. last night saying that the things she has been storing for me must now suddenly be picked up within the next two weeks

Mmmm…’k.

I got back to her and picked next weekend because I just happened to be moving some things into a larger storage unit and this way I won’t have to move them twice.

So, SI peeps, lay on me your sage wisdom to make this pick-up as incident free as possible. It literally should take minutes, but I can gar-run-tee-you she will hit me up mid sentence something like this: “Yeah, so here’s your Jerry Garcia print, and oh, by the way, why did you un-friend me on Facebook?” in her sweet, slippery, evil way just to corner me.

Her kids will be there, so this is definitely a time/place situation as I don’t want to discuss it with them around, nor do I want to tell her to “Call me, let’s have coffee” just to shut her pie hole because I’d rather poke hot forks into my eyes than sit face to face with her. She’s toxic and I want to avoid her like I avoid my XH.

I’ve thought about having someone else do the picking up or having someone come with me but I really don’t want anyone else subjected to her nonsense. Plus, I need to do it early so rousting someone out of bed may not be fair to them. Besides, it’s only about 6 items (some framed photos, art and an area rug) and I can totally handle the moving myself.

So bring it. Arm me, ya’ll.

TIA,
AJ’s MOM

P.S.: What ch'all doing next Saturday?

jrc1963 posted 4/26/2013 10:37 AM

I'd come with you or for you if I didn't live so stinkin' far away.

As to answering her "unfriending" questions... I think a simple "Because I did' would be enough.

hexed posted 4/26/2013 11:36 AM

It would depend on my mood.

First take a bright shiny object to distract her with. At just the moment she bring it up wave whatever it is in front of her to distract her.

Re: Facebook -- I would either change the subject pointedly so she knows its out of bounds "why did you unfriend me? " respond with "where is the other Jerry Garcia pring?" or "Wow! look at the time! I better get moving"

If she can't take that hint and she may not you may have to be more direct " I didn't enjoy our exchanges on FB" or "I don't think our exchanges on FB should be in a public forum" or "I don't want our relationship to be presented in a such public manner"

or "I'm deleted friends that I don't have regular interactions with"

Amazonia posted 4/26/2013 11:39 AM

"Oh? Did I delete you? I don't even remember doing that."

I actually really second bringing someone along, and having plans immediately after - stop by on the way somewhere (even if "somewhere" is your couch) and you don't have time to stay and chat, too bad, so sad, sorry.

Edith posted 4/26/2013 11:53 AM

I'll do it. For real.

ETA: You know about my kickboxing. I can drop her if necessary. Guaranteed.

E.

[This message edited by Edith at 11:54 AM, April 26th (Friday)]

Pentup posted 4/26/2013 12:13 PM

T/j :Edith you just became my hero

Try, "You are my sister and I love you. Sometimes on FB, I do not feel the love." Smiling nicely while you say it, then you hug her and RUN (while Edith drops her )

Lucky2HaveMe posted 4/26/2013 12:17 PM

I think hexed has some great ideas...

Though Edith's kickboxing offer made me

I, too, have toxic family... unfortunately it's my mother.

Crescita posted 4/26/2013 12:51 PM

Just tell her you are having some issues with facebook.

ETA: You could also turn it back on her and ask her why she would be worried that there were any issues. It is just facebook after all.

[This message edited by Crescita at 12:57 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

Undefinabl3 posted 4/26/2013 13:19 PM

I'm snarky....and since i am a recovering PA personality...I dont beat around bushes anymore.

Short story is that my brother picked my XH over me, we didnt talk for almost 4 years. My brother hasnt changed. He was trying to start stuff, and being PA as well. I told him like it was one day.

I told him that he's a selfish ass who has never done anything for anyone in his life without expecting something back from it. The smell of "the world owes me something" just spews from him and I just couldnt stand it anymore. I will never trust him again.

Hell, he's so hypocritical that him even breathing is contradiction at this point.

We have a very thin strand attaching us right now, but to be honest, if it broke, I wouldnt care in the least. So if he wants to hear more of what I think about him, I wouldnt care if he left again.

Break the PA cycle and just tell her. She's a soul sucking, heartless, drama seeking Whine Queen and you are no longer playing her game of 'who can I blame this shit on now' and she needs to find a different jester to take her shit out on.

Faithful w/Love posted 4/26/2013 13:35 PM

When she starts to open her mouth, just punch her in the throat and be on your way. That will shut her up!

ajsmom posted 4/26/2013 14:37 PM

Thank you all.

Leave it to S.I. to give a good range of tactic, sprinkled with just a tad bit of violence.

I'm actually somewhere between what Pentup said and what Undefinabl3 suggested. I don't want to lie to her that I accidentally did it. She'll see right through that.

As it turns out, it may become a moot point, as I received an email from her this afternoon confirming my proposed time and with her closing the message letting me know that in case she "gets called into work", her H will be there.

Which translated means: I am pissed that you blocked me...come get your stuff...deal with it with someone else.

Completely typical.

Amazonia posted 4/26/2013 14:38 PM

How about, "It's not you. It's me."

ajsmom posted 4/26/2013 14:40 PM

I can't let her win, Ama. I just can't.

Amazonia posted 4/26/2013 14:40 PM

but making it not about her, that will drive her batty!

Undefinabl3 posted 4/26/2013 14:50 PM

Which translated means: I am pissed that you blocked me...come get your stuff...deal with it with someone else

My Grama G. always said "If a person show's up, they have done you one favor....if they don't then they have done you 2 favors"

I really didn't understand her for a long time, until I learned that sometimes the person not showing up is actually a good thing, and that it saves you from having to not only deal with them, but having to kick them in the teeth too.

Her other fave was "Shit or Get off the Pot"....so, you can see that the Snarks run in the family

ajsmom posted 4/26/2013 14:58 PM

Oh, yeah.

We're a "Shit or get off the pot" family too!

redrock posted 4/26/2013 19:27 PM

I got off of facebook because you just find out too much stuff about people and see too much of the daily petty things that I frankly could not give a shit about. I love my kids to death, but that kind of focus is tedious to monitor and...... I LOVE them. I can't wait to get out of the big brother role when I stop paying the bills... come on college graduation>>>>

If expressing your need to end the sucking vortex that is her[& the offspring(is her daughter the one who required the family xmas get togehter to be at Chuckie frickin' Cheese?)], then do it. Sometimes it just has to be said. I have had moments like that. However, being right will change nothing.

Don't expect anything but more victimology or lecturing you.

Bring a good friend and reward them with a nap worthy breakfast. Encourage them to ask a lot of questions on where to put things in the car/need help often. It is a task after all. Might as well make her work at it....

[This message edited by redrock at 7:29 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

phmh posted 4/26/2013 20:29 PM

If she is there, don't JADE - justify, argue, defend, or explain. Just deflect.

Toxic sister: Why did you un-friend me on FB?

ajsmom: Thanks for storing my stuff! I really have missed that area rug!

TS: Yeah, so here’s your Jerry Garcia print, and oh, by the way, why did you un-friend me on Facebook?

AM: I am so happy that spring finally has decided to arrive. I was starting to worry we'd still have snow in June!

etc. etc.

A long explanation:

To JADE is to Justify, Argue (and/or Apologize), Defend, and Explain. You never, ever, EVER want to JADE. JADEing is self-defeating behavior, because it allows the toxic individuals in your life an "in" to beating you into submission. To JADE is to hand over your power to someone else.

By "justifying" your decisions, you hand over your power by giving the other party the right to judge you. Nobody has the right to judge you for your needs.

By "arguing" with the other party, you hand over your power by making their desire to argue with you legitimate. Your needs aren't going to change no matter how much someone argues with you about them.

By "apologizing" to the other party, you hand over your power by admitting you're doing something wrong. You have every right to protect yourself and make sure your own needs are met.

By "defending" your position, you hand over your power by making the other party an authority figure. You're an adult, and fully capable of deciding what you do with your life. Nobody else has a right to tell you how to live.

By "explaining" the reasons for your boundaries, you hand over your power by giving the other party a chance to nullify your own experience. Your experience is your own. It is precious. Nobody else can know whether it's true or not.

I know it can be really really hard to learn new responses to situations, especially situations people have spent years grooming you to react to in specific ways. Fortunately, the script for avoiding a JADE moment is both brief and adaptable. It's something Nancy Regan taught us decades ago: JUST SAY NO!

"No, that won't work for me."
"No, I can't do that."
"No, thank you."

"No" is a complete sentence.

And when the "but whyyyyyyyyy?"s start, break all the grammatical rules with another one-word answer: "Because."

"Because that won't work for me."
"Because I can't do that."
"Because I said no."

The third and final step is the really brilliant one. Change the subject.

"No, I told you I won't be doing that. So how's the weather been where you are? Are the azaleas blooming yet?"

Now, there is a difference between JADEing to toxic people who don't have your best interests at heart, and exploring your own reasoning and reactions with people who are trying to help. You have to learn where that line is for yourself, from situation to situation. It takes practice--and that's okay. If you keep at it, it will become second nature, and you'll find your life is a great deal simpler.

jrc1963 posted 4/26/2013 20:37 PM

^^^^ AWESOME!!!

FaithFool posted 4/26/2013 20:41 PM

They have these things called couriers.

How big a box are we talking?