Long story short, BW and I have been together for 13 years, married for 10.
Our history is strange, I dated a girl, S, through college and off and on before I met my dear BW, L. In fact, I broke things off with S soon after I met L, it was a LDR that wasn't working, on top of the many other ways we were toxic together. So L moves in with me (that's another long story), immediately as we begin dating. We have our issues, like I imagine everyone does, but we remain together for a few years and then get married.
About 5 years ago, I flirted with an old HS friend on FB. This lasted maybe a month before I just stopped talking to her altogether. I didn't want an A, per se, but I was acting as if I did. Last year, I realized this person was still on my FB ( I don't go there much anymore ), I removed her from my contact list there after she sent me a 'happy birthday' message. Done and done, I completely forgot about the whole incident.
Forward to last summer, my wife, L, is pregnant with my second son, quitting her job to be a SAHM, I'm changing positions with a boost in pay and responsibilities as well as attempting to take classes to finish my degree. This is when S (the toxic ex) contacts me and we begin talking and this turns into an EA.
I had a history with this girl, S, of constantly building her up and smacking her down. We chat, as innocently as we can I guess, but I know I must hide this from L. L is extremely insecure about S, since she feels like she stole me away from S. Our chats are about catching up, even until the last few days before d-day. On d-day, 01/07/13, my beloved L is at home with our two boys, the newborn being only weeks old. I'm at work and chatting with S and it turns sexual. To L's horror, she was checking something on my home computer and my chat client pops up with dirty sex talk between her husband and the woman she fears most.
She's devastated, we start MC, study a bunch of books, do full disclosure, NC with S, everything we can think of to attempt to salvage the marriage. Things are looking up after 3 months of this R.
Then one day, d-day2 I guess, she's going through my Facebook and finds this history from 5 years ago where I had flirted with this girl from HS. She loses it, 'why didn't this come out in full disclosure' 'what else are you hiding?' 'how many other girls are you talking to' - all of that. The truth is I had forgotten about it, I had forgotten that I did it altogether, I had forgotten about this girl from HS. "I forgot" is a terrible excuse, but it was true. If I had remembered, I would have brought it up in full disclosure but I didn't.
d-day 2 was 4/22/2013, she asked me to move out while she gets the image of me talking to other women out of her head.
[This message edited by soulbreaker at 3:20 PM, April 26th (Friday)]
everything we can think of to attempt to salvage the marriage
What are you doing to salvage you? Understand that the marriage is an outcome of what you and the wife put into it, it is not a separate entity of its own.
This is when S (the toxic ex) contacts me and we begin talking and this turns into an EA.
She was as toxic as you allowed, had nothing to do with her as much as it is more convenient for our ego's. Even minor blame shifting or expressing the A partner in a bad light is really just to minimize our role. Because in the end it is all about our choices, our decisions.
good luck and again welcome
I know exactly what you're speaking of regarding the 'every thing we can think of to salvage the marriage' - after d-day 1, we took it on as a couple's project, like what compatibility issues are there, how can we spend more time together, what were our annoyances with each other.
What I've only come to realize since d-day2 is exactly what you said.
marriage is an outcome of what you and the wife put into it, it is not a separate entity of its own.
I've been solely focused on my issues, past and expectations since realizing that I need to not look at the marriage, but look at myself. L had been doing this from the start, but I was not.
The toxic ex is wholly on my shoulders and I think I've made that apparent to L in our talks about her. I haven't made S out to be the instigator, or blamed her in any way, I did realize immediately once it all came out that I was at fault in allowing her to first establish contact with me and second to continue talking to her after knowing it was the wrong thing to do.
