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Newest Member: jon72 (46048)

User Topic: 2nd Chances
IGaveItMyAll
♂ 38622
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you glad you gave your WS a second chance? Why did you do it? Has it Been worth it so far?

*I asked myself this last night. It was pretty insightful. Here were my answers:
Yes, I am glad I gave my WW a second chance. I did it initially because I didn't want to live like I was raised in a divorced family. I gave her a second chance because I love her. I gave her a second chance because I didn't listen to her tell me for a few years how much I was breaking her heart for not meeting her needs. I did it for me. I gave her a second chance because at the end of the day I knew that I could live with myself if I tried and it didn't work out knowing I gave it everything in me. It has been very worth it so far. I did set ALOT of boundaries but every ounce of tears and pain has been worth it to still have her in my arms, working on a different but better life and to see the happiness in our kids.

Last night before going to bed she turned over to kiss me good night and said "Thanks for giving me a Second Chance" I told her thanks for giving me a reason to. (I wouldn't even be here if she didn't give me a reason to try. I was moving on and trying to piece back my life when she came out of the fog)


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night before going to bed she turned over to kiss me good night and said "Thanks for giving me a Second Chance"

I would give anything for my WH to say this to me even once.


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
heartbroken2012
♀ 38089
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband thanks me for staying with him. Its nice to hear that. I feel like that shows that he acknowledges that him keeping all that he has (his family etc) was not a given.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 561 | Registered: Jan 2013
MoreWould
♂ 37982
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage



I would give anything for my WH to say this to me even once.

Second that.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
MoreWould
♂ 37982
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deep breath, back to the original question.

I am SO GLAD I gave FWW a second chance, and she did for me after my ONS RA as well. Our A's were a long time ago, and despite the rare but brutal flashbacks from my PTSD (PISD), we're doing great and very much in love. R truly is possible, even if a very long and hard road.

But maybe there is a dark side to being truly, seriously committed to a Marriage. I don't think FWW every really imagined that her A could end it, or realized how close she came, so it never occurred to her to even notice, much less give thanks for her second chance. Even after I did.

But then, she was always a little emotionally detached, and boy-o-boy did her A teach me about that.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She did tell me "Thank you for giving me a second chance". However, am I glad? Hmmmm, well, I did it because:

The pain of separation/divorce was far greater. The kids. The finances. My anxiety. ...and I did have some love for her. But am I GLAD? I don't know yet. Will tell you after another year or so.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, but afraid he will mess up again. I did it because I love him with all my heart. Yes, it has been worth it, he's showing 100% devotion and dedication to me.

I wish time would speed up already. I'm only giving us a year, tops. Hopefully, he can fix himself...I'm hopeful.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
IGaveItMyAll
♂ 38622
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm only giving us a year, tops. Hopefully, he can fix himself...I'm hopeful
Thats a tough one. I too am worried she will do it again. BUT I know what I would do if she does and I can live with myself because I gave her ONE more shot. I try not to put a timeline on healing. I will tell you if she didn't "Get it" and wasn't putting in the work I would cap myself at some point and cut my losses. But from reading how long it took majority to heal I feel 1 year isn't ample time. Thanks for everyone responses. Honestly, I did it for ME for the small chance to see if we could have a different/stronger life and marriage.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IGaveItMyAll - Yeah, I get it. Maybe I did do it for me as well. However, for a long time I felt like forgiving and giving it a go would be short changing myself. Like I was suppose to get justified or something. Such a thing never happened but in the end, the faithful spouse will be looked upon with respect.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1446 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
IGaveItMyAll
♂ 38622
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, for a long time I felt like forgiving and giving it a go would be short changing myself. Like I was suppose to get justified or something.
I understand that I felt like that too initially but wouldn't holding on to the resentment whether you were together or not still destroy you. I am a strong believer of conditional forgiveness. It has to be earned for sure. Out of curiosity what justification where you looking for?


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
UndecidedinMA
♀ 33732
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I am very glad I did. He shows me in little ways all the time he is grateful for the chance.

He never ends a conversation without an "I love you" I can now say it back spontaneously, before I just couldn't. And every once in awhile I will find a card stuck in laundry or fridge or even lunch bag at work.

Gees I gotta learn to proofread

[This message edited by UndecidedinMA at 5:15 PM, April 26th (Friday)]


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm very glad. He's very glad. He thanks me for that almost every day when we pray together.

Had I not given him a second chance, I know that I would have been OK. Should I ever have to let go in a time in the future, I know that I'll ultimately be OK. But by giving this second chance, we are, through hard work, getting to know each other so much more than we did before. We are more fully known to each other. We are more fully present to each other. We are more fully committed to each other. Those would have been blessings that I would have missed, had I not decided to give him that second chance. Those would have been blessings that he would have missed, had he not pretty much instantly owned everything that he did.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
guarded
♀ 25364
Member # 25364
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, May 4th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been a long time and YES! I am glad. It has been a long, difficult road, and I am still not fully healed, but he has grown out of the vulnerable person the OW preyed on.

If I hadn't hung in there, I wouldn't have the rock that is there for me now, through the
incredibly dark times that this year has been for me. His "for worse" was then. Now it is my turn. After this, we will go back to our "for better".


In R? But how do you know it isn't another pack of lies?

Posts: 451 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 13

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