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Newest Member: ringkey89 (61884)

User Topic: Need advice about blame shifting WS
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm almost two months out from DDay. I have an unremorseful WS that has yet to own anything. Everything is my fault and he is confused. Our baby was 10 days old when I found out. The OW lives in another state. He travels there for work and became involved with her for 4 months at the end of my pregnancy. When confronted he said it was all my fault, etc. He said he never loved her but refuses to talk about the affair or give details. Says he stopped talking to her but I never really believed it. I kicked him out but would let him come see the baby and spend time with us like a family in hopes that he would get it together and start making amends. That never happened.

I started to do 180 about a week ago. He immediately suggested we go see the MC. I ignored it and ignored him for over a week. We had lunch yesterday after our pediatrician appt for our baby's 2 month check up. I shouldn't have accepted but I did. He didn't bring anything up. Today I told him that we've reached the 2 month point and I'm done. I told him he was free to do what he wished because it's been two months and by not making a decision or doing anything about this situation he's made his choice. He says I ignored his request to go to MC and I said it's because I can't listen to him say it's all my fault or he's confused. In the meantime I'm raising this baby alone.

I told him if he made the appointment I would go and he has till the end of the day to schedule it. I also said I wouldn't go if he is still seeing someone else or if he's going to blame me for the affair. I said I'm willing to talk about any marital problems that led to his unhappiness in our marriage, but I'm not taking the blame for his affair. He said "ok." He says he wants to come back in the house but "it's not that easy" and he doesn't think I'm willing to change.

Here is my question...I've been reading this site long enough to know that I'm dealing with an unremorseful WS that is in the fog. He might not come out of it until I actually file or he may never come out of it at all. I also know he's probably still in contact with the OW...cause what kind of man is ok to sleep at his sisters house while wife and new baby are alone 10 minutes away? Anyway, my question for any WS this a positive step? Can a good MC help with the blame shifting? I know I will recognize a true attempt at reconciliation when I see it..and clearly this isn't it. But is his agreeing to go and talk about it a good step in the right direction? I just feel like it's going to be another way to string me along.

BTW...bring on the 2x4's. I feel like I already know the answers to my own question but thought I'd ask those with experience.

Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 418 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ 32428
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The mods will probably lock this because BSs aren't supposed to start threads in the Wayward Side...sorry. That said, you're doing the right things. He sounds foggy. I hope he comes out of it if that's what you want from him. Keep up the 180 and take care of you and your baby.

I am truly so, so sorry for your pain and I wish you peace and healing.

Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier

Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 1:22 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newmom -

BS are not allowed to start threads in the WS forum. You can post your question on the ICR thread called BS questions for WS.

[This message edited by jo2love at 1:23 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

Posts: 50946 | Registered: Mar 2011
Topic Posts: 3

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