SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

mj052 posted 4/26/2013 12:52 PM

Our first counseling session is scheduled in May and I desperately need advice!!

My wayward husband has continuously lied to me basically about everything related to his affair. When I spoke to our soon to be counselor on the phone- I asked if I could speak to her alone for IC and so I could inform her that I'm so afraid my husband will lie in MC. She told me that she'd rather speak to us both beforehand and then decide if we need IC. I told my husband that he can't lie in counseling. But I know- he'll probably minimize and rug sweep.

But how do I prepare myself for that first counseling session? And I do know if it's uncomfortable for him- then I'll be blamed for that as well! What should I do?

LivinginLimbo posted 4/26/2013 13:19 PM

This is how we began MC as well. She saw us together to get an overall picture of the situation. From there she suggested IC for both of us as well as MC.

As far as his discomfort, I say too bad. He's the reason you're going in the first place so that's on him.

Bikingguy posted 4/26/2013 13:30 PM

Have you explained to him what many have said on this site: it's not necessary the A that ends the M, it's all the lying about it!

Many have asked me how I could deal with a really long LTA that basically covered our entire 16 year M. Still working on the "dealing" part, but having a WW being honest and remorseful has helped.

sisoon posted 4/26/2013 13:49 PM

What's wrong with waiting until the session and confronting your husband's lying, minimizing, or wanting to rugsweep?

If you perceive a lie, why not just say, 'I see that differently' or 'I experienced that differently'? Or even, 'That's a lie!'

IMO, if you don't feel safe enough to do that with this MC, you need a different MC - or a different solution altogether.

Sorry you have to wait so long, but that could have a benefit to you - you can pin down what you want out of MC bring it up early, and thereby save some thrashing around.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:52 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

meplusfour posted 4/26/2013 14:21 PM

Initially, our MC spoke to us individually over the telephone about our WH's affair. Then we met individually for two sessions each, over a span of two weeks. At my first IC session, she suggested that we wait for a few weeks before starting joint sessions. My WH had wanted to start MC immediately to "fix" our marriage and I was still in shock after discovering the existence of a PA and the duration of the affair. She wanted to ensure that I was in a stronger place and give me time to process my emotions and feelings.

We have had two joint counselling sessions and I was tremendously nervous before the first session. I was worried about what to say, how to say it and the reaction I would precipitate from WH. If your MC is experienced and skilled in dealing with A, they will be able to manage and steer the session so that you will be safe and comfortable. The best advice that I can give is to be honest. Share that you believe that your WH has continuously lied, that you are worried that he will not be truthful and that he will likely rugsweep and minimize. This needs to be brought out so that the MC will be productive and the MC will know where you are at.

With respect to his reactions and whether it will be uncomfortable, unfortunately, this is out of your control. It is going to be uncomfortable for WH, MC is uncomfortable~it has to be because he will be looking closely at his flaws and the motivations and reasons behind hurtful actions. It's hard but you need to stop worrying about WH and focus on yourself. You can only control your own reactions and emotions. Take some time to figure out what it is you need/want and how to say it.

Hope this helps.