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Newest Member: Sunshine46 (61866)

User Topic: How to handle this in MC?
♀ 38495
Member # 38495
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our first counseling session is scheduled in May and I desperately need advice!!

My wayward husband has continuously lied to me basically about everything related to his affair. When I spoke to our soon to be counselor on the phone- I asked if I could speak to her alone for IC and so I could inform her that I'm so afraid my husband will lie in MC. She told me that she'd rather speak to us both beforehand and then decide if we need IC. I told my husband that he can't lie in counseling. But I know- he'll probably minimize and rug sweep.

But how do I prepare myself for that first counseling session? And I do know if it's uncomfortable for him- then I'll be blamed for that as well! What should I do?

Trust is a fragile thing- once its lost it's gone forever!!

Posts: 248 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: mj052
♀ 35004
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is how we began MC as well. She saw us together to get an overall picture of the situation. From there she suggested IC for both of us as well as MC.

As far as his discomfort, I say too bad. He's the reason you're going in the first place so that's on him.

BS - 65
WH - 63
Married 37 years

D-Day 2/12/12
D-Day 6/1/16 Caught him back online early enough that no physical contact took place but still devastating. This sucks.

Posts: 1245 | Registered: Mar 2012
♂ 38103
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you explained to him what many have said on this site: it's not necessary the A that ends the M, it's all the lying about it!

Many have asked me how I could deal with a really long LTA that basically covered our entire 16 year M. Still working on the "dealing" part, but having a WW being honest and remorseful has helped.

Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's wrong with waiting until the session and confronting your husband's lying, minimizing, or wanting to rugsweep?

If you perceive a lie, why not just say, 'I see that differently' or 'I experienced that differently'? Or even, 'That's a lie!'

IMO, if you don't feel safe enough to do that with this MC, you need a different MC - or a different solution altogether.

Sorry you have to wait so long, but that could have a benefit to you - you can pin down what you want out of MC bring it up early, and thereby save some thrashing around.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:52 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17103 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initially, our MC spoke to us individually over the telephone about our WH's affair. Then we met individually for two sessions each, over a span of two weeks. At my first IC session, she suggested that we wait for a few weeks before starting joint sessions. My WH had wanted to start MC immediately to "fix" our marriage and I was still in shock after discovering the existence of a PA and the duration of the affair. She wanted to ensure that I was in a stronger place and give me time to process my emotions and feelings.

We have had two joint counselling sessions and I was tremendously nervous before the first session. I was worried about what to say, how to say it and the reaction I would precipitate from WH. If your MC is experienced and skilled in dealing with A, they will be able to manage and steer the session so that you will be safe and comfortable. The best advice that I can give is to be honest. Share that you believe that your WH has continuously lied, that you are worried that he will not be truthful and that he will likely rugsweep and minimize. This needs to be brought out so that the MC will be productive and the MC will know where you are at.

With respect to his reactions and whether it will be uncomfortable, unfortunately, this is out of your control. It is going to be uncomfortable for WH, MC is uncomfortable~it has to be because he will be looking closely at his flaws and the motivations and reasons behind hurtful actions. It's hard but you need to stop worrying about WH and focus on yourself. You can only control your own reactions and emotions. Take some time to figure out what it is you need/want and how to say it.

Hope this helps.

BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 438 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 5

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