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how to deal with triggers?

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codiath posted 4/26/2013 13:46 PM

My wife and i are trying to work things out. I feel as though i have forgiven her but am trying to cope with triggers. Im seeking advice from someone that may know how to deal with triggers. Is time the only thing to accomplish this or does someone have a trick. Thanks in advance. For what happened its in my profile.

IGaveItMyAll posted 4/26/2013 14:15 PM

Is time the only thing to accomplish this or does someone have a trick
I don't think there are any tricks. The thing that helped me out the most when I was having Horrible mind movies and really hard triggers was to try and get to the source of why those hotels triggered me. What about it is so upsetting. What action in my WS made me the most upset... I forced myself to dig deeper and deeper until I found the REAL reason an inanimate object causes me to trigger. For example that hotel I go to the core of why it was a trigger and why I had mind movies. I kept envisioning my WW checking into this hotel knowing very well what she was doing. The core of the trigger that I needed to deal with which enabled me to not have that trigger anymore was to cope with the emotion of her making a concious decision at that moment to carry forward her A. So I talked about it with her. Expressed why that is a trigger got to the bottom of what was going through her mind at that very point in time etc. I had to get to the point where it wasn't the hotel that triggered me. I continued to do this as I would get hard triggers. Now my triggers are there. Everyday I think about it. But nothing like they used to be. Hope this helps but it took alot of digging deep to find the core emotion and cope with the emotion behind the trigger.

Theradin posted 4/26/2013 14:43 PM

Triggers are difficult no matter who you are. I think everyone has their own ways of dealing with them. For me, I think it is just time. With time, the triggers became less and less, but in order to 'survive' during that time, I had to do various things to simply take my mind to a better place.

First, I would walk. I would just keep putting one foot in front of the other and simply breath. And here's the part that you may find odd: I also used to reminisce on past relationships, and how happy I was, how confident I was, how much self-worth and self-esteem I had. It was a way to boost ME up, and then, before I knew it, the trigger had subsided, and I was fine. Sometimes it would take 15 minutes.. Other times it would take 1 hour. Just depends. But really, the triggers for me were somewhat random, as almost EVERYTHING makes you think about the A, so it's just 'chance' when a trigger strikes. After about 3-5 months, they had subsided substantially. And the triggers I do get now, are much more 'real', instead of in the past when I may be triggered by seeing a picture or something. By 'real', I mean they are more conceptual, more about the fundamental, underlying issues in a human being that allows them to behave with such reckless abandon toward the ones they are supposed to love the most. When I really start thinking about that, I may trigger, but it really doesn't involve mind movies, etc., it's more of just a sad realization about the person you THOUGHT you married versus who you ACTUALLY married (provided they are still an unsafe person and haven't worked their shit out yet, etc.).

Hope that helps! Time is your #1 ally at this moment.

codiath posted 4/27/2013 01:35 AM

I would like to thank you both. I have a problem talking to her about the situation. Not because i cant talk about it but because she cant or doesnt want to. Even with as bad as i hurt i dont like hurting her by bringing it up. I have excepted what happened but every time i try to talk she starts to hurt all over again and feels like shes not moving forward but backwards. When we do talk i can do so calmly and rationally but she breaks down. I feel like talking is a step in the right direction. Like i said i dont want to hurt her regardless of what she did to me. Im hoping in time i can talk to HER about it. Until then i talk to friends, family and recently the insightful members of this forum. The thoughts i dwell on make it hard to move on. I think i should start hitting the weights again and refocus the feelings. I understand the wound is fresh and i am willing to put the time and energy into reconciliation. I just wish i had an easy button sometimes.

PinkJeepLady posted 4/27/2013 02:08 AM

Can't sleep? Neither can I, this sucks doesn't it?
From my experience, I seem to be dealing with them in different ways as time goes on. What do you feel when something comes up to remind you? Sadness, pain or anger? Maybe the first step is recognizing what you feel and then figuring out how to cope. You can try all the standard things like breathing, drinking water, taking a walk, ect.
When I am mad I like to write it down, or even write out my angry feelings in lipstick on a mirror, might not work for you?! Lol
Lately, I told my H that I need him to deal with the triggers right along with me, he was the one that brought us here in the first place. So, I just tell him exactly what I am thinking and feeling and we go from there. Sometimes it's just a passing thought, he might just need to hold me. Other times it is a bigger issues and we need to talk about it.
If you are trying to R you better start dealing with it head on my friend! There needs to be some serious dialogue going on. Being open and completely honest, BOTH of you, is the only way out of this mess.
It seems like when you get things talked through and emotions out, the triggers are less and less.
Good luck to you! Hang in there and start talking!

codiath posted 4/27/2013 18:52 PM

Again thanks to all of you. I completely agree that we need to talk openly about it. I am taking steps to open that line of communication. I need to work on me and deal with the triggers. I know she loves me and im still madly in love with her. I know we can work this out. I guess i just feel like i need constant reassurance. I still sometimes feel like im trying harder whether thats true or not. The situation no matter how much it hurts i have become a better man, husband and father because of it. I dont think i would use a time machine if i had it.
Ok im just rambling. Thank you all so much. You all have truly helped. If anyone has anything to add PLEASE do so.

Changed72 posted 4/27/2013 21:10 PM

First off, sorry your here.

Looking at your Dday, your just a few weeks removed. There are many emotions you will be dealing with.

We all want to get back to our marriage, the way we thought it was. But really, it wasn't what it should of been anyway, or else we wouldn't be here.
Just the hard facts...

I, just like you thought right away, lets put it past us, let's move on.
It's not that easy. There are alot of things to talk about.
I'm sure you have many questions for you wife.
I have the same questions, and have asked many questions already.
This is something you can't rush. Just from my limited experience, I know that to be true.
My Dday was 3/2/13.
A day I will never forget.
It's just the day I found out, but the damage had already been done.
I will never be the same guy again.
You will soon realize the enormity of it all, unfortunatly.
You sound like I did, "I know we can make it", I would say.
We are still going, but it's not easy by any means.
We both are in therapy, soon to start marriage counciling.
I was in therapy a week after Dday, and it is helping immensely. I strongly encourage you both to start, if you haven't already.
You sound positive, and that's a good thing. You will have your moments of sadness also. Just let the tears flow.
I haven't cried in twenty years, until this happened. I made up for the lost time, and then some.

Here's what my therapist said about triggers and other thoughts that come up...
She told me to recognize my thought, don't dwell on it, move on to something else.
Pick a time when you can be alone, give yourself 20 minutes, then think about all your thoughts for the day then.
Way, way, harder than it sounds.
I actually laughed, when she told me that one.
I said " you don't know how my brain works, I can't do that."
I can't do it all the time now, but most of the time I can.
I'm still learning.
I don't know if any of that will help, you never know.

Take care, and good luck.

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