FWH just told me he was on his way back to work from the courthouse, where he picked up D papers.
He says he is tired of me. He says I'm mean, call him names and abuse him.
I am just plain tired. I'm just worn out. His EA laid me flat on my face for 2 years. Then when I was beginning to feel better I found out he had been viewing porn. Recently he has been up and down emotionally. He was reading a couple of books that he said were making him fall in love with me all over again. He called me constantly, told me he loved me, that I was perfect for him, spoke words that sounded like poetry (very unlike him) said that he should listen to my advice and that he needed my advice on everythin, because I am made to complete him and to help him make decisions. He wanted to have sex more often than ever. I was not on the same page, and was guarded, but I went along with it.
A couple of weeks ago I was exhausted from a long day, and I couldn't have an orgasm he and he was upset. He blamed me for not being interested, and said I should have told him I wasn't interested. I was just trying to go along with him, because I knew if I said I was tired, he would have been upset...finally, after he was trying really hard to bring me to orgasm, and I knew it wasn't going to happen, I told him, "It's OK." I could have faked, and that would have avoided an argument, but I have never faked with him, and I didn't want to start then.
Sorry I'm rambling. My heart is breaking. I had worried he wouldn't be able to make it through R, or be steady. I know I was not steady and have had ups and downs.
He is so erratic lately. He is intense in everything...he intensly loves me, or he intensely dislikes me. I just need peace and stability, and a little room to get my feet back and trust the M. His erratic behavior makes me feel like I'm walking on a bog, not sure when I'll fall in a hole.
I never know how he is going to be, or what he is going to say or think I said. I feel like he is going off the deep end, even when he is needy and saying he loves me. He is so unstable and like a boomerang. I feel like I have to duck or I'll get knocked over. When he was so loving, I was just waiting for him to go back to the other way.
He had been gone for days on work and told me on the way from home called me on the phone. He said, "The guys called their wifes and told them this and I'm going to tell you: When I get home I want the house clean, dinner on the table, and you naked."
I said, "Ooooohhh kaaaay?" I thought he was telling me the same thing the guys told their wives. I knew he was joking, but still, he said it...maybe even hopeful that I would do it all.
Him, "The guy just miss their families and wifes. That is the kind of relationship they have. I think it is cute."
After we hung up I became increasingly upset. I had been shuttling our children back and forth to various classes, appointments, tests, and taking care of the home by myself. He had two days off when he was gone to the field. He spent two days with the guys going to a mall and to the movies both days. When he'd call home, he'd think I was home relaxing between shuttling, and many times I was in the middle of a new task with one of our children. It was as if he had no real idea of how busy I am while he is gone. We had already cleaned the house a couple of days before, and the joke to stop everything I am doing, clean the house,make dinner and be naked really insulted me.
I phoned him and left a message about how I felt. It all went to hell from there. He called back saying I had falsely accused him, he didn't say that to me, but was telling me what the guys said to their wives.
It has gone down farther since then. What makes it get bad is when he defends himself and blames me for being hurt. If he immediately apologized when he realized I was hurt it would be different. But his deflecting and finding a way to blame me for my reaction to what he does is what escalates me.
I told him today that if he doesn't even out, I don't know if I can even stay M to him until our youngest grows up. (She's 10) I had hoped to be able to stick it out until she grew up, and in the meantime our M and I could heal from the things my FWH did, and then we wouldn't D at all. When he is like this I don't know how I can survive 8 more years, I can't take any more surprises.
I'm broken and in tears. He is cracking up. His mom and dad abandonded their M's in differnent ways. They are both D and remarried. His Dad has treated his W in terrible ways over the years. My H didn't have an example of a secure M, through ups and downs. I am so traumatized by what he did to me and our children, and now he is bailing out.
I love our children so much. I am so sorry I brought them into the world, to come from a broken home. H had promised me he would never cheat, then he did. He said he'd never D, and he did that, once with OW, and now again.
If he is showing his true colors at last, I guess it is better now than in 5, 10, 15 later. My heart is breaking. God be with me and with our children...they do not deserve this. If I could turn back time, I would M him all over again, because of our wonderful children's lives. Where did my H go??? I felt safe with him when we were courting. I believed in him, I thought he was so wonderful, until he began to ignore me and my ideas for our M. And then when he cheated, my H disappeared completely, but was replaced by an imposter who pretended to be my H.
I'm so broken. He broke me.
[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 5:06 PM, April 26th (Friday)]