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Why can't I explain why??!!

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Undefinabl3 posted 4/30/2013 07:05 AM

How far we/I have to go is scary ...

You should never fear the learning, the growing, the bettering of yourself. You should never be afraid to learn, especially about yourself. Your ghosts and/or skeletons can only be cleared away if you sage your 'body' and open the closet and clean them out. How refreshing it would be to clear all that out, and start a new with so much better stuff (ie better you).

Its such a great gift to yourself, your partner, and friends/family. By becoming a better person, you by default better other relationships.

You are only 2 months out - I am 5+ years out and I still have learning and growing going on in my life. I have noticed how much my changes effect all my relationships, and how I handle situations with them. They have all noticed.

STILLWANTHIM posted 4/30/2013 10:23 AM

BS here - I agree with the other BS's who replied on why we ask why. For me I need my WH to find the why for himself, and deal with it. To R we need to feel some safety that it will not happen again, but how can we feel that if they do not know why they did it in the first place.

dindy posted 5/1/2013 02:48 AM

I agree with the others that maybe you have not fully owned up to your affair and are still in the fog. And yes it would probably be good to explain to your BS why you want to be with him. It takes a stronger person to look inside themselves to understand their behaviour. If you are committed to R then you are going to have to help your BS heal as well as heal yourself so that your BS can learn to trust you again.
From my own personal experience it helps that there are no children involved as you won't have to explain your actions to them.
Keep digging and good luck!

Darkonius posted 5/1/2013 11:50 AM

BS here-
I just learned of my WW most recent A 3/4/13 so I am still very much into the "why" stages of things. For the first few days after dday the only thoughts that swirled in my head were "why"(why did she do this to us, why am I not enough, why is this ok to her, why does she want to come back.. the list goes on and on), the constant barrage of the questions "why" were so overbearing in my mind that I was really unable to do anything else. The reality of the reason we ask "why" from our WS is that the idea of what has been done to us is so foreign, so alien to us that we cannot wrap our heads around the thing, its not in our vocabulary or realm of understanding. When I ask "why?" I don't expect a single all knowing answer, but one thing that really sets me of is "I don't know", what I really want to hear her say is that she understands that she has hurt me deeply, that she did this because she was selfish. I want to hear her take ownership of her actions and I want to hear consistency in her answers. My W cannot understand why I keep asking "why?" she says she has already answered the questions and does not want to keep dwelling on them, what she does not understand is that I am looking for consistency in her answers, and a reassurance that I am who she loves and wants to be with, and a willingness to answer "why?" as many times as it takes without hesitation or hostility.

blackkat posted 5/1/2013 15:37 PM

A big thank you to darkoninus for helping me understand the BS side of things. It helps me understand that you aren't looking for a single logical answer - but that reassurance and consistency.

I have to admit that I think I was on the verge of doing the 'we've been over this' 'ive already answered this' approach - which I now see from these forums is really selfish and the last thing I should be doing.

I thought I was out of the fog ... but think I am kidding myself. Its strange - I am begining to see that R is not a straight line ... in many ways things were easier a few weeks after DDay - than they are now.. I'm guessing that is quite common?

blackkat posted 5/1/2013 17:05 PM

By way of an update - my BS asked me to write him a letter explaining WHY...

I did this and seem to have made things worse ... I got a very angry reply back and he plainly doesn't believe what I am saying ... and of course who can blame them given the lies I have him.

He is demanding another reply back - I feel I am at last chance saloon and feel really scared I am about to loose him.

floridaredman posted 5/1/2013 17:18 PM

He is not going to like any of your answers and even your most honest answers will still not satisfy him.
He is trying to make sense of something insensible.
Realize every answer you give will be something that hurts him more or makes him even more angry. However he needs this to heal.
Be honest
Be transparent.
Don't hold back the truth

Don't blame shift or put any of this on him. The affair was solely on you.
The marriage may have suffered, but none of those sufferings from his side warranted you the right to cheat.
So give your honest answer..
However saying .."I felt alone"
"I was depressed"
"I tried to say what was wrong but you wouldn't listen"
Or he made me feel alive again will make your BS feel like he was inadequate to help you and you chose another man to fulfill that.

The most honest answer can be "I chose to handle the problems I felt we were having in the wrong manner.
There is nothing you did that warranted me cheating on you, but I will work to figure out why I did it.
I don't know all the answers now, but
I am in the process of finding out why I did this to you/us.

Darkonius posted 5/1/2013 17:36 PM

We all react to things differently, and what may work for one person may not work for another, but ultimately the only thing that you can do is freely answer his questions as completely and honestly as you can, The aproach that has been suggested here many times in various ways I think is a good one in telling him that you yourself don't really understand how or why you have done the things that you have done, but that you are willing to do whatever it takes to find those answers. Like I said the big thing for me is Consistency and honesty, I can accept almost any answer as long as I feel like it is the truth and coming from a place of sincerity in your heart, and despite your reason for being here you do seem like a sincere person that truly loves your BS. Show him that and don't hold back. He will either accept that or he won't, but do all that you can do.

Darkonius posted 5/1/2013 17:56 PM

Floridaredman is correct though. He is not going to like any answer that you give, the truth is ugly and painful, but it easier to deal with than lies or half truths.
Be Honest
Be Transparent
and remember that his world has been shattered and everything that you tell him is going to be scrutinized and questioned for quite a long time. If you tell him the sky is blue he would likely look up to verify that the sky is indeed blue. The roller coaster is going to cycle up and down for a long time, and some days it is going to plummet at alarming rates, but consistency and honesty will help stabilize it. Good luck

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