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Putting away Var & Gps

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UndecidedinMA posted 4/26/2013 16:46 PM

I know it is really early in the process for us but I can't live checking the rest of my life. I am not doing the Ostritch thing I know the percentages. I just want to get on with life.

He has been a rock for me these last 2 weeks. He actually drove 2 hrs to check on me on Marathon day. He left work to come say " I just needed to know you were okay"

I worked the marathon and when it all went to shit I was too busy to answer texts, phone calls or emails til later that night. He promptly drove back to work, I actually couldn't see him, just has a message relayed in to me.

So I think, just think maybe I will bestow a tiny bit of trust back. I am hoping that proves to be the right thing.

RockyMtn posted 4/27/2013 22:50 PM

Are you 1.5 years out? I don't think it is terribly early to put away the VAR and GPS. And it isn't like they will disappear. You can always bring them back.

What is the ostrich thing? I have no idea!

So sorry for what Boston experienced. It must've been really scary.

Safeguard posted 4/28/2013 00:22 AM

Good for you! Sounds like R is going great! Certainly inspiring for others trying to R. Relax and enjoy. You'll know if you need to reintroduce the Var and things. Enjoy your new relationship, you deserve it!

Althea posted 4/28/2013 09:40 AM

I think for some of us, the life of checking up and monitoring is not something we can deal with; so we stop, accepting the risk that it may come back to bite us. I feel the same way. I'm glad you are safe, and hope you are both recovering from the trauma a few weeks ago. We are in Boston too, and it was a tough week to say the least.

authenticnow posted 4/28/2013 09:55 AM

What is the ostrich thing? I have no idea!
I think she means that she's not going to bury her head in the sand, she's going to stay vigilant.

[This message edited by authenticnow at 10:17 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

Undone1 posted 4/28/2013 12:29 PM

It's not my nature to check and I am maintaining vigilance. Once I started checking, I became obsessed with doing it, and it's just not healthy for me.

There are no guarantees here. If our spouses want to have an affair they will and the only thing we can do is love ourselves enough to let go of them!

sri624 posted 4/29/2013 02:14 AM

when i thought i had access....i checked all the time...i didnt find anything. the reason was becasue he didnt want me to find it. he had a secret email account that told me that told me the dirty truth.

my lesson here was that, yes full transparency is important....and it a requirement for me to remain attempting r, however, there are no guarantees...me having access...or getting a var, gps...means nothing if he really wants to cheat. you know what i mean? they can always find a way to cheat.

PointMan posted 4/29/2013 10:19 AM

Turning off the keylogger and the constant snooping has been a positive thing for me. I was triggering every day by checking those things. It was not something that was helping ME heal.
I also figured that if she is going to cheat shes going to find a way to go underground with it.
It was unhealthy for me to continue the obsessing about it.

karmahappens posted 4/29/2013 11:00 AM

Hey Undecided.

You don't have to justify the steps you take. You do what's best for you at any given moment...

I think when you stop checking there is a bit of fear. The things we put in place make us feel safer to see the truth. Going forward you need to start trusting you again. You need to know the crazy voices and doubts are calm and you can go back to trusting your gut. It is frightening...

Your H has been proving himself to you and you know it's time. Put the safety net aside and take the first step. After a while it feels good to be walking on your own again...

((((hugs)))) and continued healing.

tryin2havefaith posted 4/29/2013 15:51 PM

I put away VAR, the GPS is on both our phones. I have full access to all accounts including cell account. The key logger is still on computer but hasn't alerted me in over 2 years (he doesn't know it's there). I finally had to let go and trust. Otherwise I was never going to be all in in this. I became obsessed in early days and that stalled our healing. But the more he was where he said he was, the longer NC was absolutely maintained, I started to feel safer and safer. He knows that if it were to happen again....it's a deal breaker.

Right now he is doing the difficult, dirty, and demanding job of looking very intensely at himself and how he slipped over that slope and crossed boundaries he never thought he would do, or could do. He is 200% committed to my healing.

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