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Am I a fool? My story.

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LovingFool posted 4/26/2013 18:21 PM

Well, here it is - my story so to speak. I am a SAHM with 5 littles and married for 14 years. The past few years have been stressful, my husband lost his business and we lost our house. But 2 years ago we found an amazing house which his mom helped us buy. Now WH is working part-time and going back to school full time to change careers. So I get the stress part and the need to escape, but . . .
On 3/15 WH told me he had an "affair" that resulted from chat rooms on a game app he had on his phone. But he said it was over, he deleted the app, there was NO way he could contact OW,and he wanted to work on marriage. I was shell shocked. I knew he had a bit of a game addiction and it was taking its toll on work, school, and family, but I had no idea of this. The conversation went down hill extremely fast and I remember him stating that he actually contemplating me leaving him & kids and OW moving in to replace me. This really freaked me out and I said fine. I packed a bag, grabbed a pillow and blanket (to sleep in car since I had no where to go.) the whole time I thought he would stop me, but he didn't - not even when I had to say goodbye to my kids. Long story short, I ended up staying with his sister (5miles away) as I had a whole $4 and 1/8 tank of gas. Next day we texted back and forth, his mom & sister visited with him to talk "sense" in him, and he begged me to come home. I did return. Things were tense, but I felt like since it was only an "online" affair and he seemed so sorry, we could work things out, especially for the kids.
Fast Forward to 3/29 (almost 2 weeks later) I looked up phone records and saw that he had been calling OW. Not only had he never told me that he "talked" with her on the phone, he was STILL talking with her during this last week. I confronted him that night and he told me that R was a lie. He wanted to leave. Anyway, after a ton of hateful things spewed at me, I gave him an ultimatum - leave & destroy not only me, but the kids or give her up and work on marriage. He choose to stay. Fast forward a few days, I found old texts between WS & OW. They were horrible and the fact that they were before he decided to stay did not take away the hurt. Then a few days after that I found out that they actually had a PA (1night.) Again, fresh pain. AND then I found even more old texts and had even more pain. Worse, he told things to his mom and family about how horrible I was and how horrible intimacy has been with me. I confronted him about this and he feels real guilty and sorry. He said he told those things to them, so they would "side" with him getting a D.
We are trying to work on R, but I am still in so much pain and not sure what to believe anymore. My head tells me this was a 1x thing that came about out of stress and the game addiction, but the hurtful words and actions, especially to his family is beyond pain and humiliating. I feel like a fool, maybe I am one. How do I know he is being honest now? I put on this facade of strength, but underneath I am in pieces.

Lucky posted 4/26/2013 19:16 PM

I'm so sorry that you had to find us, you'll be glad you did - the support is amazing.

I think you are in the very very early days of discovery, unless you unearth it he won't reveal anything. It's one of those "did you sleep with her after I found out", him: "yes but only after you found out and only once".

He doesn't seem very forthcoming with information does he?

You need to take care of yourself & not just the children, try and sip water, drink milkshakes or ensure, french fries can be easy, and rest when you can as sleep is nearly impossible.

There is a wealth of information in the Healing Library, you'll find a lot of great articles and such there.

Hang on honey - I think you've only scraped the first teensy layer of his lies and betrayal.

NoraLee posted 4/27/2013 12:00 PM

It's slow on SI on the weekends so don't lose heart - more help is coming!

Don't excuse the A - everyone has stress but not everyone copes with it by having an A. Is he now NC (no contact)? Has he sent a NC text? He must come clean with EVERYTHING - trickle truth kills reconciliation. And every new revelation erases any hard work or healing done up until the new info. Read the following - it outlines what a truly remorseful spouse must and is willing to do to heal the BS.

Good luck - keep posting and reading. Know that you are not alone...WE get it and WE are here for you.

PS - YOU ARE NOT A FOOL!! None of us are - we all trusted our spouses - which is what's expected in a marriage. THEY are the fools for throwing their lives away and not valuing our love and trust.

devistatedmom posted 4/27/2013 12:10 PM

You aren't a fool. You have been sideswiped and are in shock. He's being an ass.

Take some deep breaths. Drink water. Try to make sure you eat something each day.

You don't have to make any decisions today. Just concentrate on getting through each hour. Take the kids for a walk/to the park. Concentrate on them, and yourself.

IC or MC would be a good place to start. For both of you. Take your time, read here, there is tons that can help you. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

LovingFool posted 4/27/2013 12:35 PM

Thank you. Thank you for the responses. It does help knowing I am not alone. I do feel so ashamed that I haven't told too many. His family knows, my mom, and 2 of my friends.
I am so scared. I love him so much and I love our family. I feel like I need to spend some time on me - doing what I want, doing feel good things like shopping for myself and learn more about myself and my wants. But then I feel like that is selfish as we do have 5 kids that I homeschool and $ is relatively non existant. But I am dealing and trying just to take it one day at a time. Sometimes that is too much and I have to focus on one little task at a time.

SAR681 posted 4/27/2013 14:19 PM

Welcome! I'm sorry for the occasion, but I'm glad you found your way here. You are definitely NOT a fool! He's the fool! Don't feel like you need to tell everyone, only a select few know the whole situation in my case - and that does not include my BFF or Mom. This is truly one of those situations that you cannot understand until you've been there and I didn't want their judgement or opinion to influence my decision whether or not we'd reconcile.

You are still in the early stages of discovery. Don't be surprised if more details come out until he's truly acting remorseful. In the mean time, read up in the healing library, and start working the 180. Make sure you take care of yourself - remember to eat, drink, and sleep when you can. And read and post here when you can.

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