Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Newbie dealing with devastating EA

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

WhyandWhat4 posted 4/26/2013 19:38 PM

Been married for 4 years. Thought he was the sweetest, most caring guy. Was really too good to be true.

He moved here from Canada to Oregon to be with me. At the wedding, his female friend, so close, they were 'sister' and 'brother' and nothing else.

She made my wedding a living hell...several things were missing and the wedding was full of hiccups thanks the her shenanigans. She cursed me out after my OWN wedding and I had no idea why she was so evil to me!

Her shenanigans didnt end there...she did something SO TERRIBLE (wont go into, but didnt involve me...involved someones child) that everyone stopped speaking to her after the wedding..

Fast forward to three weeks ago...I find TONS of messages back and forth between her and my WH. Sex chat, nude pics...promises that when he arrived in Canada, theyd hook up.
Most hurtful, was the fact that he told her that our marriage was unhappy and that he was thinking of leaving me.

Yes, our marriage had been rocky - especially the first year and a half. I thought it had gotten better than ever. ESPECIALLY seeing that i had JUST had an epiphany and told him that I want to be a better wife

He cancelled his Canada trip (he was scheduled to leave in 2 days). But it would have happened had i not found the messages!!!!! It stung, but I gave him another chance, and boy, has he been working overtime.

Here is my issue:
1) He thinks getting over it should be easy for me...after all it was only an EA, the woman is highly unattractive and I conversely am very attractive (but that didnt stop him, so IDK what he is talking about)

2) We were going to try to have children...should I wait til our marriage is stronger (and possibly lose the opportunity? Im 37. He thinks were ok and our marriage is stronger now than ever. I disagree.

I have a bad syndrome...I have the slate clean syndrome. My history in relationships is that I just wipe the slate clean and move on, but this is a marriage....this is very different....

WhyandWhat4 posted 4/26/2013 19:46 PM

FYI..they were in the EA for 3 months. They had no dating/sexual history prior to that.

meplustwo posted 4/26/2013 20:48 PM

Hi, I'm so sorry for your situation. You can read my profile to get more background, but my husband started an EA last July with a woman. from work. We separated in November. He said he wouldn't date her, but I've found they are sleeping together while we are still intimate. I just joined SI yesterday, but I've found so much support and info here. He won't change if you make it easier for him to cake eat. I am going to 180 him starting tomorrow, which will include NC. I know this will be hard, but it needs to be done. I hope you will be able to get through this without too much anguish, whether that's with or without him. You will find tons of support here. Hugs and keep your head up!

LitlRed5 posted 4/26/2013 22:22 PM

Oh my are indeed dealing with a LOT! The telling sign for me was when I read that this woman tried to ruin your wedding. She wants more of a relationship than your husband seems to want... I hope. You do need to get your spouse away from her for good, or it will turn sexual I assure you. And my dear, please wait for a little while before you decide to have children with your darn sure the EA is indeed over. Be careful and take care of yourself...

NoraLee posted 4/27/2013 11:43 AM

There's no such thing as "just" an EA. A betrayal is a betrayal. My H's EA has rocked me to the core. We are in R and despite all the bumpy rides this roller coaster has taken us on - we are making it (we are 8 months out from Dday) That being said...our success thus far has been dependent on his actions - and this is what your H must do as well.

1. No contact letter sent (you read it first) if it satisfies you, YOU mail it or hit send on the email. There is info on what should and should not be said in the letter in the healing library.
2. NC must be in NEVER AGAIN...not a card, a text, a coffee. NEVER.
3. He must give up every password - FB/email/phone/apple ID...every single one.
4. You must have access to his electronics (cell, computer) whenever the mood strikes you. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
5. Complete honesty and transparency from this day forward...

From the basics listed above - he must now focus on YOUR healing - not his comfort level. Read the following link. This is what my H did to help me heal and repair the devastating damage his EA wreaked on our lives. Without it - I would be a wreck and probably divorcing.

It's a long article (i printed it out) but it's a roadmap for WS's on what they must do to heal is spot-on. It also helped ME understand my own pain and resulting behaviours.

I'm sorry you are here - but this site will save your sanity so post often and read even more. You will be amazed at the commonality we all share despite the type of affair or the root causes. Like I said - betrayal is betrayal.

Set your conditions for R and most importantly, set consequences. Be prepared to walk - I had to risk losing my marriage to save it - it wasn't until I set separation and divorce into motion that the fog dissipated. I'm glad it did, but if it didn't, I was prepared to cut ties and go it alone. I will NOT have a 3rd person in our marriage. Good luck and let us know how we can help...

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy