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A new missive from Stbx: shucks, I'm a bad mom.

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tryingagain74 posted 4/26/2013 21:16 PM

Oh, nellie. Here he goes again. Obviously, I'm all crickets on this puppy, but I will provide my translation of his latest Declaration of What Constitutes Good Parenting: "TA74, you need to cover up my lies and terrible behavior (and that of the OW) when it comes to the kids. I really don't like dealing with their questions and inconvenient concerns. If you don't help me avoid these consequences, then you're just a terrible mom because you're not helping with the collusion that is oh-so necessary to preserve my Good Guy, Daddy of the Year image."

So, sit back and learn some great parenting wisdom from a first-class JAMF:

"TA74,
DS #1 has expressed some concerns about a future with a step-mother, step-siblings, etc. this evening. I reassured him that unknowns can sometimes be a source of apprehension and that it is something that not only he, but I will also have to adjust to. He again brought up questions about why we divorced and I told him it was not something he should be concerned about, but rather he should focus on the fact that both you and I love him and want him to feel safe and secure in either of our homes. He also brought up being "concerned" and "confused" about "what mom said" about OW "not making the right choices." While I can understand that you will never approve of OW and I being together, I am hoping that you can offer some reassurance to the kids. I know you want what is best for them, and while I know it might be very difficult to put aside personal feelings, perhaps you can offer them some words of support with respect to this situation to make things easier for them. Thanks."

Ah, me. What a load of horse manure. How sad that he thinks I'm going to "reassure" our children about what he's done. He can go bless himself, to borrow a term from another thread...

dmari posted 4/26/2013 22:12 PM

Wowwy Zowwy!! He sounds quite eloquent in his request that you cover his stupid ass and OW's. It would be so laughable if it weren't for the fact that reading it makes me want to kick him in his balls. So glad that you can decipher his messages!

pjkmkjm23 posted 4/26/2013 22:17 PM

I don't know how old your DS is but unless <7-8 I think it's only fair to let him know at least a little of what happened to his family. I think telling him "it's not your concern" is BS! His family blew up. He deserves a bit more explanation than that! Also, I tell my own kids when they complain to me about Mom's OM that they don't have to like him but they do have to respect him as they do any other adult (within reason).

Right or wrong, I refuse to sugar coat this for STBXWW or worse, collude with her to hide any wrong-doing from the kids. I just do my best to keep it age specific. I think that's fair, imho.

tryingagain74 posted 4/26/2013 22:33 PM

He's 9, and I think he's figuring things out. He asked me the other day if "Dad did something wrong." So far, I've told him that we'll talk about it when he's older and mature enough to discuss grown-up problems. I doubt I'll be able to hold him off for much longer with comments like that, and I will not lie if asked direct questions.

tesla posted 4/26/2013 23:22 PM

You know, trying, I gotta say - when I first came on here and was reading your sitch (like a year ago), I thought that even though you two were divorcing that he still 'got it' for the kids' sake.

This guy. No different from the rest of the unremorseful waywards. Selfish, self-serving, doesn't really give a shit about his kids' well-being...but sure as hell cares about his image and the shiny status of his sparkly, 'awesomer than thou' life.

Well fuck that guy and his 'brilliant' logic. Such a fucking moron. The more he puts his kids off...the worse he's going to make it.

Funny, every kid I know respects feeling like they are being leveled with and not fed a line of mind-fuckery bullshit.

disillusioned12 posted 4/26/2013 23:43 PM

Um, he should clean up his own shit. Oh wait, that is expecting way too much from him. FTG.

PurpleRose posted 4/26/2013 23:51 PM

Poor fucktard. So the kids are going to know he's a sick bastard!??

Oh well.

I'm really weary of these damn asshole waywards that completely destroy their own fucking families and then act all sanctimonious and shocked when their kids learn about the real issues!!

Get real assholes! YOU did this!! Deal with the consequences!!

I hope you told him to shove it up his ass, ta74!!

pjkmkjm23 posted 4/27/2013 00:19 AM

He's 9, and I think he's figuring things out. He asked me the other day if "Dad did something wrong." So far, I've told him that we'll talk about it when he's older and mature enough to discuss grown-up problems. I doubt I'll be able to hold him off for much longer with comments like that, and I will not lie if asked direct questions.

IMHO I think your boy is old enough to tell that 'yes, Daddy did something wrong. He broke a promise to Mommy and doesn't want to be with her anymore and wants to be with someone else instead. It's wrong and when someone makes a promise they shouldn't break it. But...we both love you and this is not your fault and you had nothing to do with it. One day when you're older we will talk more about it.' Of course your STBX will think that's about the worst thing you could ever tell your boy but who cares? He'd probably be happiest if you would tell your son some bullshit that doesn't make Dad look bad....but at some level your son will already understand this. You, being his Mom, and telling him this, which IS the truth, will be comforting to him. 9 years old is old enough IMHO to be given somewhat of an explanation as to why his family blew up. Wow....I still can't believe your STBX would tell him that's "it's not something you should be concerned about..."! Your DS's parents have split up and Daddy has a new GF and he "shouldn't be concerned about this"????? Waywards, they're something else

[This message edited by pjkmkjm23 at 12:23 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

SBB posted 4/27/2013 00:31 AM

Your translation is spot on.

Seriously, what a Fucktard.

Reassuring the kids = telling them this shit sandwich tastes so damn good. They are not stupid - they know it tastes like shit.

He is right - the kids will have to 'adjust'. He is forcing OW on them and they have no voice about it. What they do have a voice about is expressing their feelings on the matter.

So, instead of trying to gaslight your own kids - let them have their voice. Tell them you understand and SHOW them their fears are unfounded. You can't douchebag, because they are not unfounded. They are valid fears.

The reassurance needs to come from his actions - from his interactions with them and from his relationship with them. If that is golden then no gaslighting will be required.

That there is his problem. Not his kids or your own views on OW. She is earning that view from everybody.

Nobody has a shovel that big dude. Nobody.

suckstobeme posted 4/27/2013 07:51 AM

Wow. This guy thinks pretty highly of himself. Its sad that he honestly believes that you would buy into his bullshit.

Crickets is right. Just sit back and watch this shit show unfold. Your kids, just like mine, will really see what a selfish asshat they have for a dad the minute this skank starts coming around and moves in with him.

It's typical. He will kiss her ass and do whatever he can to make her happy. He can't lose her or else the destruction of his family was all for naught, right? And she will eat that treatment up and expect it. She will expect a lot because she is gonna feel like she made a huge sacrifice leaving her home town to come to him. If she's like most OW, she will beat the crap out of him and wear him down more every single day they're together.

The ones who will be left out will be his kids. They will see that, in his eyes, her concerns matter more than theirs. They will see that dad gave them no say so in their relationship with him. He shoved OW and her kid down their throats in the hopes of making a happy insta family and gas lighting the shit out of everyone. To an extent, they already see it. That's why they're scared, but he is going to plow over their fears anyway.

You can spill it to them or choose to keep quiet. Either way, this isn't gonna work out well for him. He can throw as many textbook co parenting terms and emails at you as he wants. It isn't going to change the reality. This is HIS fault and HIS shitty, selfish behavior will lead to the demise of his relationship with his own kids.

Fuck this guy.

[This message edited by suckstobeme at 7:56 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

Dreamboat posted 4/27/2013 07:51 AM

Dear douche,

Of course I want what is best for the kids. Since DS seems confused about what I meant that OW does not make the best decisions, I think it is time to be perfectly clear with him and explain EXACTLY what bad decisions OW has made. Thanks for pointing out the error of my ways.

What a fucking idiot!

tryingagain74 posted 4/27/2013 07:52 AM

tesla, I totally agree... when I first came to SI, I thought that I was actually lucky (ugh.. not a great choice of word, but the best I could come up with) in that he wasn't being crazy about the D. However, I think that had everything to do with the fact that his future with the OW was up in the air at that point. She was living two hours away, dealing with her own marriage ending, has two kids... they didn't have any definitive plans at that point. So, he was much more rational. I thought that we might actually be able to co-parent effectively because we'd have a shot at being civil to one another.

Now that she's in the picture? He's all about damage control and managing their image. He's rushing the D and forcing me to take up the legal gauntlet instead of being rational and following our original plans written in the legal agreement. I'm sure she's behind a lot of this-- she wants to step seamlessly into my old life, and that includes our children happily accepting her and me quietly accepting the early D so that they can be married. They're both so deluded that when real life creeps in-- like when the kids being forced into this situation show some resistance-- he immediately seeks to repress it so that it doesn't damage the fairytale.

Well, between the two of them, there are FIVE children who are likely not going to enjoy this new arrangement at some point. I'm sure that her two kids aren't all excited about it either-- she's moving them away from their home, their school, and their town (she's currently two hours away). Do they really think that her kids are going to move here and not have any problems with that? Right. Good luck with that. And if they think that I'm going to somehow help to legitimize their relationship by being their personal cheerleader, they've got another think coming. I won't bad mouth them, but I'm not going to "spackle" their behavior with my kids, either. They are two selfish people who continue to behave selfishly, and I'm not going to pretend like that's okay. They can reap what they sow.

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