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SI no longer safe?

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disillusioned12 posted 4/26/2013 21:53 PM

Found out my STBX has a SI account. He registered just a couple days after MOW's H contacted me to say my STBX and MOW never honored NC, so second D-Day. Now I'm uncomfortable posting anything in case he knows my user name. I found SI a few days after DDay so it is very possible he saw me post, etc. Uhg.

Edited to add content.

[This message edited by disillusioned12 at 9:57 PM, April 26th (Friday)]

tryingagain74 posted 4/26/2013 22:00 PM

I made the mistake of telling STBX my username (before he was a STBX in the few days before I decided that I wanted a D), and he read for a while... also kept reading when it was over and did not like the things I was posting about him.

I don't know if he ever reads on here anymore, so I'm careful about what I post. Posting on here has saved my neck and my sanity in so many ways that I would rather run the risk of posting something he might read than never post at all.

If he's your STBX, then why does he have an account? Maybe he opened one a while ago before you decided to D, but he doesn't use it now?

pjkmkjm23 posted 4/26/2013 22:09 PM

I'll be honest...a large part of why I quit posting is because I don't want my STBXWW reading anything I write and potentially using it against me. I told her about this site and how much it helped me after her first A and like a typical rug-sweeping WS, I don't think she even looked at it and she didn't like me on it either because 'why do you keep bringing up the past?'. But she's known a couple of things that I can't figure out how she learned it which makes me suspect she knows my username here and reads my msg's. I've thought about changing my name but first, I don't think that's allowed, and secondly, some of the facts in our situation are to specific that she would just figure it out anyways.

I miss the days when I felt like I could post here completely freely.

disillusioned12 posted 4/26/2013 23:28 PM

He signed up right after I confirmed we were in false R. He knew about SI because I told him about it after D-Day. This was when I thought he was remorseful.

PurpleRose posted 4/26/2013 23:56 PM

Yup. Been there, done that. I don't rally post a whole lot anymore and won't because the Dooosh tried to use my posts against me in court.

pjkmkjm23 posted 4/27/2013 00:03 AM

You know I feel a bit hypocritical about my previous post in this thread since I've started posting some more elsewhere tonight, but your first post got me to thinking about why I'm actually hiding my feelings from STBXWW. I shouldn't care if she's reading my thoughts or not....unless there is anyway she could use it against me. Maybe you shouldn't worry about it either disillusioned12. Think of it this have every right to vent or rant or what have you about what's going on in your life and who cares if he's reading it. And that's something that I can be fairly confident in telling matter what choices he's making....he WILL be reading your posts if he knows your username. Just be careful about what you're posting and write everything imagining your STBX reading it. Hell, you could even use SI in a way to send msg's to him as you can be fairly sure that he will eventually read them.

I don't know, I've kind of changed my mind a bit tonight. Even if my STBXWW is reading my stuff I'm just going to be careful about what I'm posting and she can read away. Screw her, she can relish in my suffering as I write about or read about me struggling on how to deal with things and know that she's a large part of why I'm the way I am now, or she can lol or mock me or whatever about it if she's really that evil a person. I don't care anymore.

dis: just write everything assuming that he could read it and act accordingly. It may cause you to keep some stuff to yourself that you otherwise may have put out there, but on the other hand it could be good for him to read about how much pain he's caused someone that loved him and that he made vows too. He'd have to be an incredibly evil person to not be affected by that on some level.

CharlieFoxtrot posted 4/27/2013 00:14 AM


I am so sorry that your safe place, your outlet, and such a positive place for healing has been vandalized. I think it is a major shit sandwich that the very people that cause the pain of leading us to this site are the very ones taking our self expression and healing from us.

disillusioned12 posted 4/27/2013 00:35 AM

Yeah I do feel violated, but like pjkmkjm23 said in a later post, I am just going to be more cautious. I am not going to let STBX take SI away from me too.

I guess the reality of posting in a public forum is that the information is out there for anyone to see. Yes, its somewhat anonymous, but definitely not private. The support I've received from SI is worth too much to me.

ButterflyGirl posted 4/27/2013 01:26 AM

I've posted very detailed information, so I'm sure someone could find me if they wanted. I don't think incriminating stuff, but it would still be a violation of my thoughts, and that asshole doesn't deserve those anymore..

I've told a few people I have found an awesome website with lots of great advice and healing, etc., so I guess if someone is vigilant, they could find me..

Until then, this is my own personal journal and my outlet for giving back and helping others in pain..

I am always happy I did not direct him to this site. But just in case you are here honey love muffin, "FUCK YOU AND THE HO YOU ROAD OUT ON!!!" "STOP INVOLVING THE KIDS YOU ASSHOLE!!"

Sad in AZ posted 4/27/2013 07:23 AM

You have to realize that you don't have to be a member to read. Anyone can read this site.

gahurts posted 4/27/2013 08:55 AM

How easy is it for someone to figure out who we are? How many posts are written every day? 100? 300? We have close to 40,000 members although most are probably not active. I know it has happened and some members have had to ask for their screen names to be changed, but can someone really figure out who we are by reading our posts?

I understand if we shared our screen names either intentionally or without our knowledge, like if we forgot to log off or something. But is it possible to just read through posts and find the one piece of information that gives it away?

The reason I ask is that there were times before my D went through that I got real worried that XWW or OM were reading what I wrote. Especially if I posted something a bit too revealing. I know that that is not likely as we would not have the agreement we have if she read what was written and I calmed my fears by rationalizing that the ability for anyone to read at random various posts and figure which was by me is fairly remote. Maybe I am just nieve.

inconnu posted 4/27/2013 11:52 AM

Very early on, when I thought we were working on the marriage, I told now-ex about SI. I hoped he would come here as a remorseful WS and figure out what he needed to do to fix things.

yeah, that was naive of me...

The reality ended up being that ex came to SI to read what I posted, and rather than discuss it with me, he used it as justification to continue cheating. He even told OW about SI, and that I posted here. She figured out who I was right away. Both of them spent months reading my posts, without my knowledge.

After I found out OW was reading here, I spent several months writing posts in a way I knew would annoy the shit out of her. I made sure there was lots of hidden and double meanings in what I said. I wanted both ex and OW to think that I wasn't as clued in as I was.

Once ex left and I filed for divorce, I rarely posted details about the legal proceedings. I did, otoh, post some fabulous, probably weekly, rants about the stupidity of ex and OW. At that point I had no idea if either of them were still reading my posts, but I suspected they they were. And I really liked the idea that they knew I was ridiculing them here.

And now, it's been almost 4 years since ex left. I don't care if he, or OW, are still pathetic enough to cyberstalk me. I post what I want, when I want. I refuse to give them the power to take away SI from me.

Coraline posted 4/27/2013 15:17 PM

I started suspecting my STBX was reading SI just a few weeks ago, when his online lurve, who is a ridiculous, moronic, exhibitionist twit (who thinks she's smart because she's in nursing school, but a quick read of her grammar and ignorance about the proper use of the English language show otherwise) changed her fb profile to private, after she's had all of her online stuff public for years. She made the change not that long after I started posting about her here. I don't know how long, because I didn't look at her page for a couple months, but still, YEARS of being public, then suddenly not? Strange. It seemed like he must've told her.

So I worried for a while that I may have said things he could somehow use against me. Then it occurred to me that my SI posts are like a diary of his emotional abuse of me and our kids. So if he wants to use them against me, I think that would backfire, because either it's true and reliable and he can use it all, and so can I, or it's all just been a game where I posts stuff to...piss him off or manipulate him somehow, in which case it is NOT true and he can't use any of it. Plus, I haven't done anything wrong, so what would he use? That his emotional abuse was really getting me down and my posts suggested that it was working to break me? lol That I called him names a lot (on SI, not in real life) because he kept psychologically torturing me? Again, lol. So I don't worry about it anymore. I just keep strategic stuff to myself as of the last little while.

[This message edited by Coraline at 3:19 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

NoLongerWantHim posted 4/27/2013 17:39 PM

I'm pretty sure my now X, his OW and few others know I'm here.

The only privacy I actually care about is my kids.

What I say here is genuine.

Don't deprive yourself of comfort because of something that might happen.


LadyQ posted 4/27/2013 17:44 PM

I was in the same sitch as inconnu, but I've since decided I could care less if he and his girlfriend read here. Maybe, just maybe they'll read a post by someone else that will resonate....

solus sto posted 4/27/2013 18:16 PM

I had a very bad experience with Mr. Trac-fone and his OW knowing my identity here.

I was harassed so terribly that the admins very, very kindly made an exception to their rule and allowed me to change my screen name.

I chose one he would not associate with me, and make sure to keep my profile fairly generic. I do post authentically---but am careful to keep my tone and "voice" fairly generic, too. I don't post much identifying information.

But really, what keeps me safe is the understanding that I really don't matter to him a single bit any more--if I ever did. He's not going to pore over posts to see what username I'm using. His head is still too far up his own ass.

While I do post authentically, I also am careful not to post information that readily reveals my identity; if Mr. Trac-fone were to figure out who I am, it would come after a lengthy period of reading my posts--maybe. And since I know how very self-centered he is, I'm confident he will neither do that reading nor make the connection.

But really,if he does, it doesn't compromise my emotional safety at this point.

Just like if your ex figures out who you are, your safety won't be compromised.

courageous posted 4/29/2013 14:46 PM

When I thought we were R-ing I told ft my username. He saved all of my post and took them to court. Because someone suggested I take ambien with a glass of wine his lawyer accused me of drinking and popping pills because my "friends" told me to.

He stalked me so much that I had to have my username changed.

No matter what the situation I would strongly recommend you NEVER tell your WS your username. Having your safe place taken away sucks!

Ashland13 posted 4/29/2013 14:55 PM

I was tempted to do this a week ago, in hope of STBXH looking at some of the wayward threads.

The majority of advice was resounding "NO!", so I didn't do it. I could picture OW hearing of it and reading my posts, too and having more laughs at my expense.

I could picture him reading it and figuring out my posts and bringing them to his lawyer.

Housefulloflove posted 4/29/2013 21:30 PM

I told STBX to check out this site not long after kicking him out.

I doubt he took the time to even visit here once, being perfect and infallible in his mind and all. But if he did, and somehow figured out who I am It would probably drive him nuts that he has no control over what I write here and that so many people would classify a person like him as a cowardly loser for being a cheater and destroying his family.

But..being a big old Narc, he would likely write this place off as pointless after a quick glance.

iwantamiracle posted 4/29/2013 23:31 PM

si is still have to learn how to post around it....anything that you don't want him to know about use the pm feature, and pm those posters whose opinions you value, or those posters whom posted something that struck you..

that was what i had to do and still do....

i don't regret giving my ws the site info....because it means i tried everything possible to save my marriage and i can't regret that....

while i don't regret leading him to the site...i do wish i never told him who i was....not that he couldn't figure it out....

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