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Hello - my story in a nutshell & why I'm here

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Scooter89 posted 4/26/2013 21:58 PM

So much harm.....I don't know where to start so I'll start with the abridged version of my story..... I had an affair with a staff member in my office. We are both married. The 1st affair started in 2011 and ended in January 2012 when I told my BW about the affair and that I was leaving her and our children. After talking most of the evening I decided to stay and work on reconciling. I ended the affair but due to possible legal issues did not ask the OW to leave the company.

Fast forward to March 2013 - I got back with the OW. I told my BW the truth on 4/23.

We will be separating soon in an effort to have time away from each other. She to protect herself from me and me to work on my issues, to seek professional help in understanding why I did this.

My first therapy session is tomorrow. I am very excited to be going. I feel that I am in a new space and on a path of honesty and truly seeking to understand what motivated me to do the things I did.

I have left a lot out of the above story. I don't know exactly what to expect from this site and thought I'd start with part of the story.

I know I need help and am seeking it from many sources. A friend who recently went through a divorce due to an A by her husband suggested I check this site out for support. She suggested healing myself will go a long way in helping my BW.

I am here to learn and understand and to have a source of support.

EvolvingSoul posted 4/26/2013 22:02 PM

You have very much come to the right place. Smarter people than me will be along to give you some direction, but welcome all the same. Prepare for a long process.

BaxtersBFF posted 4/26/2013 22:10 PM

You can expect support and understanding from many who've taken the same path you took. We do get riled from time to time when we see that someone isn't getting it, or is resisting what we view as a well vetted path toward healing. Don't be afraid to share and ask questions.

Have you read much on the site yet? It sounds like you've made a shift in your views of things already. That is a really lucky thing and something you should build on.

Therapy is a great tool, but make sure you don't end up with the type of counselor who is going to try to blame your A on your spouse.

Take it slow here if you want, or just dump it all out in one post. your choice.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 4/26/2013 22:15 PM

Hi, Scooter89, and welcome to SI.

I have some questions:

We will be separating soon in an effort to have time away from each other. She to protect herself from me and me to work on my issues, to seek professional help in understanding why I did this.
Who is moving out? I think that separation is just a step on the way to a D. Who had the idea to separate?

Your A started in 2011 and ended 1/12? Then re-started last month and ended again? Your timeline is confusing to me. Can you clarify? It will help us to help you if we have a better picture of what happened.

Skan posted 4/27/2013 19:57 PM

No stop sign, so let me just give my 2 cents worth on separation.

Your BW is going to look at your actions during separation as if you were in the house. By that I mean that if you are still seeing OW, go out partying, start up with another woman, and in any way act like a single man, it will drive another dagger into her and let her know that you're not serious about working on yourself.

You need to conduct yourself as a completely married man. That means if you have children, being there for their lives and being a parent. As close to full-time as possible. You need to give your BW utter transparency in your life and not hide one thing from her. A lot will depend upon if your BW needs to go NC from you or not, but every action that you take, even if she chooses to ask you to never contact her unless its for finances or children, needs to be taken with the goal of proving to her, through your actions, not words, that you are committed to being the partner that she needs. Go to IC, do the work, do as much for the family as you can, and leave the door open in case she wants to step back through.

And you really, really need to consider that either the OW or you will have to leave your place of employment. Your continued working with her, especially after re-starting your A, will cause your BW nothing but anguish. In a completely just world, the BH of your MOW should be told too. You will also need to get STD/HIV tested and take the results of that test to your BW to prove what the results are. Don't just tell her take the actual results to her so she can see for herself. Yet another reason for the BH of your MOW to be told so that he can make sure that his health hasn't been compromised.

I sincerely hope that you can do what you need to do to get to the why of your A. And that you can help your BW heal as much as possible. Best of luck.

Scooter89 posted 4/27/2013 21:28 PM

To add a little more detail to my story as requested...The first affair started in February or March of 2011. That affair lasted until January 2012. When I agreed to stay with my family, I thought I was able to rid myself of the desire to be with the OW. I was deceiving myself and my BW as I continued wondering "what if". Obviously this was compounded by her remaining at the company.

In March of 2013, I started working more closely with the OW and then started talking about us with her. She readily came back to me. I was kidding myself when I said I was only looking for an EA. After taking the rekindled relationship too far, I knew I had to end the renewed A or end my marriage.

As for the separation, I would have to say it was my idea but there is a back story to that as well. I was having a hard time dealing with my deceptive ways and had previously told my wife that we should separate under the guise that we were bad for each other and that I was always anxious around her. (Of course, I was anxious. I was still lying to her.) So when she came to me on 4/21 and told me how she was feeling, I (in my guilt) had nothing to provide to her as I was feeling that the best thing was for me to leave and not let her know about the 2nd A. On 4/23 I decided that I wanted to walk a path of honesty and took the first step by telling her the truth. After talking on and off, we decided that it was best to separate for a while as that is what I had said I wanted in the first place.

Skan - thank you for your input. I do have children and plan to do just as you suggest. They will see me nearly as much as if I were still at home. I have asked the OW to find another job ASAP. If she does not, I have plans on either opening another office away from the main office where we both currently work or switching my hours so as we are not together.

I am not sure where my BW and I will end up. I truly hope we can reconcile. For now, I am taking the advice of others and learning to love myself so that I can then love my wife.

Rocketqueen posted 4/28/2013 12:43 PM

Your reason why is because you didn't go complete no contact with the other woman. Simple. You will have to leave that job for it to happen. You can't be trusted otherwise.

If your serious about recovery, don't separate from your wife and work on your marriage. If she will allow it.

[This message edited by Rocketqueen at 12:47 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]

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