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He is cheating on me...

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LitlRed5 posted 4/26/2013 22:08 PM

Yesterday I found out that my husband is cheating on me. I am calm though. Angry and hurt of course, but calm and pretty much composed. Maybe I am in shock or shut-down mode? please see my journal entry if you would like. We have been married 9 years and have no children...but tons of rescue animals! Thank God for those 'Furkids'. Because of them I am made to get myself out of the house and care for them; love them. They don't care that everything may soon fall apart in my life, they expect their daily routine! Is there anyone out there that has taken such awful news in this type of pragmatic way? Is there something wrong with my reaction? It does feel 'new' to react like this...maybe the calm before the storm??

BIZZYBEEZ posted 4/26/2013 22:16 PM

Hugs to you. Sorry you find yourself here.
For what it's worth it took me 3 days after I found out to cry. I was in total shock. Once the reality hit there was no stopping the tears.
Take care of you & your fur kids. Eat sleep & get plenty of water. The infidelity diet is hell.

simplydevastated posted 4/26/2013 22:17 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this. It could be the calm before the storm, as you say, or the routine of your animals could be the positive distraction you need.

This is a crazy rollercoaster ride. You never know what emotion you will feel from one day to the next.

I'm glad you find yourself here, this is a wonderful forum.


musiclovingmom posted 4/26/2013 22:43 PM

I was calm the first night. I asked my H a few very direct questions. Then I told him to go away (I honestly meant out of the room, but he left the house). I didn't cry or yell. I got up, got my daughter in bed and then texted to let him know he needed to come home so we could talk while the kids were sleeping. I did not sleep at all that night. Naptime the next day it hit me. I got the kids down and then laid down myself. At that point, I started sobbing uncontrollably. He came in and sat next to me and I remember seeing the pain in his eyes - watching him try to care for me while choking back tears of his own. We are 9 months down the road from that, and it isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but it isn't all storm clouds either. He is still reading, writing and working through a lot of his stuff. I'm still asking questions and dealing with almost daily triggers. But, I'm hopeful. Sounds like you have a pretty level head about your emotions, and the damage that can be done from speaking out of hurt and anger. Being here sucks, but you'll find support in posts and responses in any of the forums. Regardless of anything else, remember to care for you too - drink water, eat, sleep, exercise. It is so easy to neglect yourself and that just compounds the already complicated mess of infidelity.

mysticpenguin posted 4/27/2013 00:33 AM

I'm with you! Rescue furbabies only! (: They definitely help give me a sense of purpose, especially our special needs German Shep.

I think this is most certainly the calm before the storm. When you discover something traumatic like this, you DO experience shock. It's your body's way of saying, "WHOA shut down shut down, we can't risk a hemorrhage right now, can the emotions so we can figure out how to survive this trauma!" It's an ancient response to something big & harmful & overwhelming.

Does he know you know?

Regardless, I'd recommend looking around "The Healing Library" (top left corner) and I'll see if I can dig up that "good posts for newbies" thread. (ETA: here it is! )

((hugs)) to you. Take good care of yourself in the coming days and brace yourself for the emotional fallout <3

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 12:36 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

Nailinmyforehead posted 4/27/2013 04:50 AM

So sorry you are here. This is a great group of folks, and even if you don't post a ton, please read all that you can. Like you, I reacted very calmly. This shit is absolutely crippling. I swear that if any decent human being could have a crystal ball and see see the scorched-earth type devastation of an affair's aftermath, there would be no infidelity from most of these people. You're in my thoughts today. Please take care of yourself.

sparklingwater posted 4/27/2013 05:31 AM

It took me a couple of days before I broke down also. I've had times of being composed, raw sobbing, numbness, anger and now 5-6 weeks later I can't stop crying. You will experience many emotions - sometimes your body says enough is enough and blesses you with some numbness which is a time out. Take care of yourself (not just your fur-babies) with adequate rest, food and hydration.

Theradin posted 4/27/2013 09:02 AM

So sorry you had to come here, but glad you found a place for safety and support.

I was the same way. Emotionally, I shut down when I experience trauma. It has a lot to do with childhood trauma, and it's a defense mechanism, or so I've learned recently from my IC.

When my WW told me she had been cheating on my practically our entire marriage, wasn't attracted to me (and never has been in our entire 10-year relationship), was "in love" with her AP, found him to be so sexy and attractive, and had the best sex imaginable with him (note: I learned most all of this in the same night), I just sort of sat there and listened. Maybe I was in shock? But I think i was more just emotionally shutdown in an effort to prevent myself from going crazy. I think it was several days later where my emotions came back online and I was very hurt and angry.

Take a look at the 180 in the Healing Library, if you haven't already done so. I *WISH* I would have found back when I found out about my WW's A, as I had no resources, and was simply on my own to try to figure shit out. It was HORRIBLE, and I wouldn't ever do it like that again (note: there won't be another 'again' because I've established a boundary with myself that will never tolerate that kind of disgusting behavior from a spouse, GF, partner, etc., ever again).

Best of luck. Take care of yourself right now, and your rescue animals. That should be priority #1.

LitlRed5 posted 4/29/2013 21:24 PM

Thank you ALL so very much for your wonderful, kind, supportive replies! I couldn't have anticipated such compassion...thank you again!
It's so good to know that others have felt the same way, not breaking down right away. I have cried, but still not too much. I have to accept my situation and work from there. I did drop a hint night before last, that I knew something was going on. Just enough to let him know I am no longer in the dark about his affair(s). That's all I will let him know for now! I have made a list of lawyers within a 40 mile radius and have narrowed it down to three. I just don't know if he wants out of this marriage %100. I don't know what I want right now either. I really need time to think! I am 43, and my husband is 53. Neither one of us has children (I never could). In the past I had never taken a dime from my partner after we parted, but this time it is different! Do you agree with me that I need to bide my time and do some serious thinking before I let him know that I know??? I realize I can't take too long before really talking about his problem to him, I just want to feel fully ready; have this all laid out. Again, thank you all so very much!!! LitlRed5 (had eyes looked at today. They dilated them, so if my spelling is off, please forgive me).

LitlRed5 posted 5/4/2013 20:10 PM

You all are so great...I feel like I can get through this with your continued help! I planned a vacation for this month, made last month (before I was positive he was cheating on me). And it is totally paid for, so we will go. My spouse is an E.R. doc, so with all that stress, he needed a vacation, so I made one. It's only for four days, but oh my goodness how do I act like all is fine when I KNOW now (he doesn't know I know!)that he is cheating on me?!? I pay the bills every month, and was surprised to see that while he away at his yearly conference, there was a charge from a flower shop on the Visa bill. I asked husband about the charge and he told me he had sent flowers to his Mother. Of course I was wondering how that was possible when he doesn't even speak to his Mother! He asked ME why I wanted to start an argument...the nerve, huh??? Well I called the flower shop and it turns out they were not sent to where his Mom lives out of state in New Jersey. The young girl over the phone asked me how I liked the roses...I lied and told her "Yes, I enjoyed them so very much." Crushed. I am crushed. So that's how I found out about my husband. And I have to spend this upcoming vacation with him. Any suggestions???? I would appreciate any help. And again...Thank you so much

wastoosoft posted 5/4/2013 20:25 PM

Oh god, I would really struggle to go away on holiday with him all the time and not say something, I cant really say what to do as I have not had that experience. But lots of hugs and hope you manage your way through it all x

cliffside posted 5/5/2013 11:32 AM

I too was calm. I found a way to send my WH out with my son for a number of hours so I could get into his email account and forward all of the emails to my own account, which he did not have the password to. I then told him "I know". He trickle truthed for about a week and a half but I had too much evidence and knew too many details crom the emails and chats I had. Eventually he broke down and told me everything. I'm one of those people who needed to know every detail. We're working on R now, in IC and MC, he is way out of the fog, and actually horrified and disgusted with himself.
I would gather as much evidence as you can, especially if you think this may result in D. I'd confront him before the vacation and if he is sorry and agrees to ending his A with total NC maybe you can use the vacation to talk through it. If not, I'd kick him to the curb and go on the vacation by myself and get some R&R.

Edited to add - after the calm I was a train wreck, still kind of am actually. But am medicated and getting better. We glamorize affairs in the media and movies. Someone needs to make a movie that shows what *really* happens to the BS - a movie that shows the betrayed person curled up in a ball crying uncontrollably and unable to function for weeks.

[This message edited by cliffside at 11:36 AM, May 5th (Sunday)]

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