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How long do I have to wait? Can I do anything?

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GrievingMommy posted 4/26/2013 22:09 PM

I've mentioned before trying to give my WXH a cutoff date when I need to know when he plans on taking the kids this summer (two 2 week visits). Didn't work. He won't give me dates within the times the kids are available (almost three whole months of dates to pick from) because I think his life is imploding (his FIL has cancer, new wife won't go to work to spend time with her dad, Ex #1 taking him back to court for CS, etc).

But I have a life too, and my kids, so I need to know! I don't want to book/schedule things just to find out at the last minute that he's taking the kids at that time and lose out on that money. And on the flip side, I am a full-time parent and get a couple of days every few months (or so) without kids, so I'd be nice to actually schedule things when I don't have the kids. Obviously I can't withhold the children for his time in the summer but is there anything I can do to make him give me dates or tell him he's SOL if I have something planned? Plus my daycare has quite a bit of time off this summer that I need to get coverage for if WXH doesn't have them those dates.

I'd probably be feeling a bit more bad for him and try and be more patient if he wasn't such an asshole to me and deliberately ignoring his children.

This is so damn frustrating. ARGH! I wish we would've put that in our divorce papers!

pjkmkjm23 posted 4/26/2013 22:23 PM

I think it's completely fair for you to give him a date to respond by with his preferred times for the kids and then let him know that if you don't hear from him by that date, you will make your plans on what works best for you. If it later conflicts with him, too gave him the option and he chose to ignore it.

Of course you have to be reasonable if some unforeseen circumstances come up....but I think if you did the above, nobody would say you're being mean or unfair (well, except him....of course!).

Kajem posted 4/26/2013 22:30 PM

Send him an email and let him know that you will be making arrangements for your time with the kids this summer.. You will work around his time IF he lets you know before 5/14 (or whatever date you choose, I wouldn't do anything less than 10 days though).

Give him the dates the day care is closed, It gives him a chance to be accommodating. Then do what you said in your email... make your plans. When they are made- email your plans to him. That way if he hasn't made his plans, he can work around your schedule.

That is his consequence for NOT responding in a timely manor.



tesla posted 4/26/2013 23:27 PM

My state's parenting guidelines gives the date that ex-shat must request his summer parenting time by. Maybe your state does too? If the date has already passed...make your plans and then it is at your discretion to allow him to work around your schedule.

pjkmkjm23 posted 4/27/2013 00:07 AM

oh ya, like kajem said, just make sure it's in writing. I thought I had said that in my previous post but after just reading back I see that I didn't. Make sure it's in writing.

SBB posted 4/27/2013 00:34 AM

What Kajem said. You need to take him out of the equation until such time as he gives you the requisite notice.

Make it clear. I will be making alternate arrangements for X date range and will assume you will not be taking any dates during that period should I not have a response from you by X date/time.

You can't make him be a dad - but you can also not keep putting your life or theirs on hold whilst he makes up his mind.

GrievingMommy posted 4/27/2013 10:02 AM

I sent him this on April 6th:

Douche Bag,

Due to summer time schedules filling up fast and getting daycare coverage, I have previously asked for your schedule of when you wish to have the children this summer. Therefore, beginning April 20th, I will go ahead and schedule (and therefore pay the necessary fees, etc) for them and you'll have to work around their schedule. Since out of the almost three months of summer you'll have them for two, two week visits, your desired dates may not be a problem. If they interfere, I'll let you know and you can make changes.

This is the last time I'll bring up the subject as you now have been notified.


He then proceeded to tell me to tentatively plan on the specific dates in August that I told him back in January that the kids won't be available. I sent an e-mail back telling him that that won't work and then gave him the almost three months of dates that would work. Like usual, he hasn't gotten back to me. So I STILL don't know when he's taking the kids!

I'm just afraid of going on with our lives and scheduling/booking stuff and then having to not do it because I legally have to let him have the kids for a month in the summer.

I wonder if I can get our papers modified to incorporate a cut-off date?

little turtle posted 4/27/2013 22:00 PM

I think it would be worth it to have a default solution put into your papers. Having a cutoff date might not be enough without a consequence.

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