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How is it excusable??

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Rya617 posted 4/26/2013 22:46 PM

There were so many horrible things around the A. First, I was 3 months pregnant and euphoric because I was so happy to be having another baby. He was mean to me the entire time up until I found out at 5 months preg. He cheated with someone we knew in high school, took her to one of our favorite theater shows AND stayed in the hotel that we had celebrated our first 4 anniversaries in. He "surprised" me with theater tickets just before Christmas which I later found out that night had been planned for them and he changed his mind right before and took me. He says that he had a revelation the week before and had broken things off. He also explains that the reason for the hotel and show was because he was familiar with those things and didn't have to put any effort into planning. He has destroyed some of my best memories of our relationship. I want to forgive him and move toward full R but I cannot understand his actions. Anyone else have a similar experience?

Hearthache again posted 4/27/2013 00:54 AM

Very simular experience. My H had one of his encounters with OW#1 at the park we had our reception at. I still can not look at my wedding pictures and its been 4 1/2 years since I found out. I am just now going to take out the pictures from the church part of our wedding this weekend. But my H is going to have to find them because I threw them all in a box on Dday and haven't looked at them since. I almost burned them all.

While I have forgiven my H fully, I still morn the loss of my memories of our wedding. They are forever tainted with his selfish actions.

Rya you will get to a point where you realize that most guys don't put sentimental attachment to places like we do. My husband was very honest and said it didn't cross his mind and the park was close to where they were at the time.

If you do R make it a condition that he has to make up the best he can for that loss. My H has plans to do this but our money situation does not allow it right now. He is always kind and understanding that I refuse to celebrate our anniversary. He makes it the least painful as possible. I sure hope your H turns out like mine and opens his eyes to how important stuff like this is to others.

[This message edited by Hearthache again at 12:57 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

Theradin posted 4/27/2013 08:57 AM


Unfortunately, that's sort of the situation many of us are in. The one person who we're supposed to truly love, feel special and unique with, and trust, has basically desecrated that entire concept. They've cheapened what was supposed to be lifelong memories of good, happy things, and tainted those memories forever.

All I can say is that if you are going to move forward with R with your WH, then try to build new memories, and let those old memories die along with the 'old marriage' you once shared with your WH. I'm working on that, and it's difficult because all my memories of my marriage to my WW have been tarnished (note: my WW started cheating on me only 6 months out from when we first got married).

Takes time, but be patient. For some people, it simply is not possible, and they'd rather move on to someone new. That may be the case here, but only you can decide that. You'll know what feels right.

TheClimb posted 4/27/2013 09:06 AM

I find his reason very interesting. My husband took the trout to the same restaurant we went for anniversaries and special occasions. I was so pissed he took her there I never asked why! Yet, I can see something different in your husband's thinking. "He didn't want to put any effort into it". Kinda says a lot about his feelings for "her". Who can't be bothered with putting effort into a date?

After 4 plus years, I am still hung up on the "her" part. You husband's answer makes me really wonder. They put in the minimum effort, they went to places they had taken us because it was "easier" for them. Perhaps "she" truly didn't matter, that "she" could have been anyone "easy" like him choosing the easy route for their dates!

Is it excusable? Hell no. I refuse to go to Morton's with HIM. But wow, just think about this Rya, they couldn't put anymore effort into it. The bare minimum to keep her interested. And those bitches were probably soooo impressed!

I hope this helps you; as your post has just been a huge awakening for me.

sisoon posted 4/27/2013 09:23 AM

It looks like our D-Days are 2 days apart, but you didn't find SI as soon as I did. Given what SI has done to help me, I can't imagine how difficult these last years have been for you.

But you just had a load of information dumped on you weeks ago.

The rule of thumb is 2-5 years, assuming no new hurts.

In a very real sense, you're just a few weeks out from D-Day. Give yourself time.

If you're really conflicted about R, have you discussed your ambivalence with a pastor or IC? That may help.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:59 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

Jeyana posted 4/27/2013 09:30 AM

Kind of the same here, although I didn't marry him. Our local park, that had a lot of memories, that I drive past every day for work, he forked OW2 in the bushed there ffs. The tavern that I drive past everyday for work, that is where the first kiss happened with OW1. My workplace (his too) where he received oral. My HOUSE! where he had a piece of OW2 in my livingroom. My bedroom, where he took his nasty pictures to share with nasty women online, while there were pictures of us together, of him and I and his daughter, hanging on the wall above the computer screen. I don't know if there are levels of betrayal. Once that line is crossed, nothing is sacred it seems. So sorry you are going through this.

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