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Newest Member: Duped12times (45727)

User Topic: face to face with WW - and crying!
pjkmkjm23
♂ 35778
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things have started rolling for me again now, finally. I've been notified that by the end of next month, I'll have to appear for a disclosure meeting with STBXWW. Her and I have taken NC to a whole new level I think. We no longer meet, talk, txt, email.....nothing, and it's been that way for weeks.

I absolutely DREAD having to face her. It's literally been months since I've last been face to face with her. I spend far to much time trying to figure out how I can avoid her for the rest of my life. I know I can't, but I wish I could.

I'm a man...and I shouldn't be like this I know...but a big part of why I don't want to see her or talk to her is that EVERY time I do see her or talk to her...I end up in tears. I can't help it....no matter how hard I try. The last time I had to see her I even kept repeating in my mind some of the meaner things she did to me and my kids to try and force myself to be mad at her or at the very least, detached from her. It doesn't work. I even try and visualize a stop sign every time I think of what a waste this all is and how it didn't have to happen...how much I loved her...how she just up and walked out on us without even looking back...

As an adult I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've cried (that wasn't related to my STBXWW's A's). All the other times were as appropriate as it can be for a man to cry - like my father's death and funeral. Worse, I'm one of those that when I do cry I get so choked up that I absolutely cannot talk. I just can't. So then it even becomes embarrassing for me, even more so than the fact that I'm crying.

How do people deal with that? I hopefully can't be the only one. Like I said, I'm terribly dreading meeting her at this disclosure meeting where my understanding is that they try to encourage us to negotiate at the end in hopes we can avoid trial. I'm even thinking down the road when we're at trial that I'm going to have a very hard time with this in a court room.

I don't want to see her. I don't want to go to these meetings or court either. Gah


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
tesla
♀ 34697
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are allowed to cry. It says that you are compassionate and caring and mourning the death of your marriage. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

You'll be fine. Just make sure you and your L have a set game plan...and let L do all the talking. If you want to try a different technique to hold off the tears...I would tell myself that as long as I was in the conference room that I was not allowed to cry...but I gave myself permission to cry my eyes out in the car. The delay thing worked for me. And I did cry my eyes out in the car.

(((pjkmkjm)))


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4734 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
pjkmkjm23
♂ 35778
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, April 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((tesla)))

Thank you

You know, it sounds really simple in retrospect, but I hadn't thought of it until you just mentioned it that I should just be honest with my L and warn him that I'm worried about how emotional I may get at this meeting and because of that, I want him to handle the bulk of the talking. I'll just do my best to sit there and nod and smile. Thanks so much Tesla, you would have no idea just how much the thought of this seems to take a weight off my shoulders. I'll try and hold off any tears for the ride home too but I don't have a lot of faith in that working. We'll see. But forewarning my L and asking him to help me out will make it so much easier, I know it will. I also know walking into that room and seeing STBXWW for the first time in months is going to be so hard. I so don't want to do this.


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know just what you mean, brother. You & me both need to be authentic but in control, right?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10017 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((pjkmkjm23)))

There is nothing wrong with showing your emotions. You are suffering the loss of the most important thing in the world to you, your family as you knew it. That is the worst pain that anyone can endure. I am just the opposite. I can't cry about it and haven't been able to since DDay#1. I can cry about other things, like sad TV shows, but not about the false R and now not about DDay#3. I would so love to sit and sob my eyes out, but for some reason I can't. Maybe it's my pride that prevents it, maybe my coping mechanism, maybe I am just too tired and worn out from too many emotions, who knows?? I thought yesterday after I totally lost it on WH#2 that I could finally sit and have a good cry. Being that angry always makes me cry. Nope, not one tear!! My point is to be glad you can cry and release the pain. Like other's have said let the lawyer handle what he can and when you leave, go have yourself a good cry for me if nothing else. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
slipperyslope321
♀ 33112
Member # 33112
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read an article a few weeks ago that said if you swallow your saliva and bite your tongue you will stop the tears from coming. Haven't tried it so I can't vouch for it.
I just tried to find that article and just read this "When you feel like you're going to lose it, pinch that little bit of skin between your thumb and pointer finger. Pinch it hard. It really works!"
Hope this helps. Good luck.


Me: BS
HIM: WH
DD1 1/11 fb chats
DD 4/11 txt msgs
DD 5/11 hidden accounts for underground EA. Busted it wide open.
DD2 8/2012, new OW
Divorcing

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2011
slipperyslope321
♀ 33112
Member # 33112
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops! Double post.

[This message edited by slipperyslope321 at 2:28 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]


Me: BS
HIM: WH
DD1 1/11 fb chats
DD 4/11 txt msgs
DD 5/11 hidden accounts for underground EA. Busted it wide open.
DD2 8/2012, new OW
Divorcing

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2011
Chrysalis123
♀ 27148
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask your lawyer if you and XWW can be in separate rooms. I did this for mediation, and the mediator and my lawyer went back and forth. NPD-x thought he was too smart for the system and had is azz handed back to him on a platter.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2774 | Registered: Jan 2010
gma56
♀ 19595
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You might ask your attorney, if you get too emotional that you can have a short break during the mediation. FT did with his attorney because he was so pissed off. He was seeing RED !
I was Pro Se so I did my own talking. Scared to death and my PTSD kicked in. Long day I wouldn't wish representing yourself on anyone.

It's great you have the attorney to do your talking.
You're going to be OK.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20387 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Dawn58
♀ 37656
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy, can I relate. I have seen him three times since Dday, changed my phone numbers and blocked his emails so I have tried to avoid any and all contact. The last time I saw him, was at a charity event that he knew I was going to be at and brought his girlfriend. I managed not to cry while I was there, but burst into tears as soon as I got to the car and sobbed for weeks afterwards.

I think arranging to be in a different room and let your attorney do all the talking is a great idea. I have not had my mediation yet, but that's what I want to do. I also am not going to make any decisions that day. I am way too emotional to be able to make a decision quickly. The affair blindsided me and devastated me. He and his attorney are pushing for a quick divorce. My attorneys are dealing with him while I am trying to put my life back together. I am my first priority now, not him. Take care of yourself.

I still love the man I thought I married. Have no respect for the pig he is now. I hope that soon, I will know that he has always been a narcissistic pig. That he only used me to get what he needed (attention, praise.), his fix and then cast me aside for the new fix. Unfortunately, that's all we mean to them......We married for love and they are incapable of truly loving another. We deserve so much more.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 487 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
pjkmkjm23
♂ 35778
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl:
I know just what you mean, brother. You & me both need to be authentic but in control, right?

Right, and thanks

TrustGone:

I am just the opposite. I can't cry about it and haven't been able to since DDay#1.

Wow! You wanna cry and I don't want to! Oh if only you and I could trade I think we'd both be so much happier!

slipperslope321:

I just tried to find that article and just read this "When you feel like you're going to lose it, pinch that little bit of skin between your thumb and pointer finger. Pinch it hard. It really works!"

Thank you so much for that tip!!! I'd never heard that before but I'm willing to try anything. Even if it doesn't work fully I can see where it will help get my mind off of things somewhat. I'll probably walk out of that meeting/court with a red, bloodied hand but if my STBXWW doesn't see a single tear from me again....it will SO be worth it!!!

Chrysalis123:

Ask your lawyer if you and XWW can be in separate rooms.

Thank you for the idea! I'm not sure I'll try this though because 1) we're in a small town with small offices and I don't even know if they'd have the room 2) there is still the matter of when we get to court. No way can we be separate for that. I need to learn how to handle seeing her but it's so important to me that I never let her see a single tear from me ever again. Still thinking at this point I'm going with the squeezing the crap out of the skin between my thumb and finger

gma56:

I was Pro Se so I did my own talking. Scared to death and my PTSD kicked in. Long day I wouldn't wish representing yourself on anyone.

Wow where did you find the strength for that?!! I've been getting nervous and anxious for months already everytime I think about how I may just have to answer brief question in the court room! I couldn't imagine representing myself....I just don't think I could do it. I hate that I'm one of those people that when I start crying it absolutely consumes me and literally is impossible to talk until I can calm down....which I can't do really until I can be by myself and only after a few minutes. I doubt a judge would suddenly let me run out of the courtroom Good for you Gma for pulling that off

Dawn58:

Oh boy, can I relate. I have seen him three times since Dday, changed my phone numbers and blocked his emails so I have tried to avoid any and all contact. The last time I saw him, was at a charity event that he knew I was going to be at and brought his girlfriend. I managed not to cry while I was there, but burst into tears as soon as I got to the car and sobbed for weeks afterwards.
I think arranging to be in a different room and let your attorney do all the talking is a great idea. I have not had my mediation yet, but that's what I want to do. I also am not going to make any decisions that day. I am way too emotional to be able to make a decision quickly. The affair blindsided me and devastated me. He and his attorney are pushing for a quick divorce. My attorneys are dealing with him while I am trying to put my life back together. I am my first priority now, not him. Take care of yourself.

I still love the man I thought I married. Have no respect for the pig he is now. I hope that soon, I will know that he has always been a narcissistic pig. That he only used me to get what he needed (attention, praise.), his fix and then cast me aside for the new fix. Unfortunately, that's all we mean to them......We married for love and they are incapable of truly loving another. We deserve so much more.


Very well said! I too have learned the hard way to not make decisions immediately and try to put them off so I can think it over with less emotion in the way. I even applied that to emails with STBXWW as I realized I was handling things wrong when I replied to quickly.

Ya I was blindsided and devastated too, and I hate to admit this but I know deep down I still love her although I know without a doubt we could never, ever be together again - even if she got her head out of her ass now - and I think that's why I struggle so hard with this. This didn't have to happen this way. We will never ever even be friends one day now because of this. If she had handled this all the right way, the respectful way, the way an honest morale person would, it still would have been hurtful and sad but it also would have been much easier. We maybe could have even been friends at least and co-parented our kids together. It's just all such a waste because of such selfish actions and I think that's the gist of why I know I'll get so emotional when I see her.

You're right Dawn...we do deserve so much better. Thanks


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
crisp
♂ 34236
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a possible solution that you should explore with your attorney. Some mediations are conducted in a way that the parties do not negotiate face to face. There is a shuttling back and forth between rooms. Check out if that is possible here.

[This message edited by crisp at 7:16 PM, April 28th (Sunday)]


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 450 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We sat in different rooms during mediation and the mediator went back and forth speaking to me and my attorney. I would highly recommend this. It does help keep the emotions in check. My lawyer buried her.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Topic Posts: 13

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