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Now or Never...

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Safeguard posted 4/26/2013 23:02 PM

Not sure I belong in JFO, as I have not just found out..

I've known about his cheating for a while, but I'm "Just Finding Out" about me... :(

I love(d?) someone who cheats and treats me badly. We are separated,(for good),but we share a child and I can't seem to... not care.

Why is that? Trauma Bond, Stockholm Syndrome, nothing seems to fit right... Do I just love him, regardless of how he treats me? ( and others?). Do I love SOME part of him? I hate the part of me that feels anything for him.

Why would I betray myself? Especially for someone so lacking in personal integrity?

I am beyond the crying stage, and I am striving for indifference. I do a pretty good job of it, but I still feel depressed when I see him chatting up other women.

I also have not bounced back the way I would like. I became severely depressed. I have tried every method known to man, to restore myself to my former happy positive self. I still have miles to go... I can't seem to get back the desire to socialize. At. All. I just want to be alone and read, all the time.

sorry if my intro does not belong in JFO. I don't know where I belong. :(

S/D I guess...

[This message edited by Safeguard at 3:55 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

Sal1995 posted 4/27/2013 11:07 AM

Sorry you are going through this, Safeguard. All of us BS' are here because we loved someone who betrayed us and treated us badly. Your feelings sound normal to me. My guess is that a big part of you still has hope that your WS will come around. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. As for your feelings, love can't be flipped on and off like a light switch. Regardless of how it turns out, I wish you healing and peace of mind.

keptmypromise posted 4/27/2013 11:14 AM

I can only believe you "love" who he used to be, and what the two of you once were. AND, that is so natural. You are not betraying yourself. We all know we deserve better. You are in the mourning stages of a death. We all mourn differently, and mourn for different length of time. You don;t want to socialize because you are not ready for the next relationship. Be kind to yourself, start a regular workout regiment and start working on WIL all fall in place.

NoraLee posted 4/27/2013 13:39 PM

You can post wherever you feel comfortable. S/D does have a fantastic group of people well educated in D law and I've seen them all come together to pull others out from the darkness you find yourself in now. Have you read about the 180? Have you considered seeing your dr about medication? You have been deeply traumatized and an anti-depressant might help you find your way back to light...


Theradin posted 4/27/2013 13:57 PM

What you're feeling is 100% normal. Very sad, but very normal. Trust us. And you are in NO WAY to blame for the devastation your WH brought upon you and your family. That is HIS burden to carry with him. Think of it this way, we, as BS', have been hurt, but can work toward not feeling that way anymore, and looking at life in a positive way. The WS', on the other hand, have to live the rest of their lives knowing that their intentional and deliberate acts directly resulted in the emotional abuse and trauma of the person they were supposed to love the most. The person who trusted them more than anyone, and would have done anything for them. That is a tough burden to carry - I know I wouldn't want to. But those are the choices they made (unless, of course, the were coerced into it).

It's not your job to try to figure out why your WH did what he did. Instead, shift that energy into finding out more about you, what you deserve in life, in a marriage, etc. Focus on building yourself up, and once you do, you'll be able to look at your M and your WH in a MUCH different light. Maybe that will be forgiveness and R, maybe it won't. But the only way you're going to know is to heal yourself and focus on you (and your children, if you have any).

Try to be strong, trust your gut, and don't believe for one second that anything you feel is "not OK" or "not normal". Your body and mind will feel the way they need to in such a traumatic state.

Hurt2Deeply posted 4/27/2013 14:08 PM

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is a deep trauma to be betrayed like that. You deserve better.

Don't give up hope. There is hope for a better life for you.


Skan posted 4/27/2013 15:55 PM

If you haven't already, please look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. There are lots of good articles there that can help you, no matter what your situation is.

As for yourself, look up the 180 and go no contact with him completely, except for necessary talk about your child and finances. No other contact at all except for those two subjects, and then in the most minimal fashion possible. Detatch. I take it that you've seen a lawyer? If not, please do so and file for CS and if appropriate, SS (child support and spousal support), and find out what your rights are, married or unmarried. The CS is very important. He's probably going to be a sperm donor again (can't bring myself to say father) at some point and you want YOUR child to be first in line for support.

Take care of yourself and of your child. You two are the two most important people. (((hugs)))

cds22 posted 4/27/2013 18:49 PM

Safeguard, I am pretty new here and don't have much advice on the infidelity/separation.

One thing though is that on the depression I think it is hard to set the goal of "feeling better" or "feeling happy." If this is of any help, what I try to do is to capture different moments during the day that are happy. This sounds corny but I have a visual of a necklace and these happy moments (seeing flowers, taking a walk, taking to a friend, having a great coffee, seeing my kids laugh, whatever) I think of as pearls that I am stringing on the necklace each day. My goal is no longer to be happy or not depressed but just to make sure I get some pearls on the necklace each day.

Safeguard posted 4/27/2013 20:31 PM

Thanks so much Everyone,

@Sal, Hope dies hard in the heart, it's true. I know he won't change. I wouldn't ever R with him even if he did. He is just immoral, in so many ways. I don't want his bad Karma on it's way to MY house! That's part of my problem. I don't even want him, I just want to have...mattered. I guess. It feels a lot like being robbed. You might get your stuff back, and the criminal apprehended. but it still hurts that someone did that to you... I may just want him to acknowledge, that I am a good person, and he realizes that now. Or something like that. meh.

@Kept, I feel like I loved what we could have been, who I felt he was capable of becoming. He encouraged me to think he wanted to improve himself. But that's a lot like buying a item at the store, then sitting at home and waiting for it to change into a better product, than it was when you bought it. Not gonna happen really. lol I feel stupid I loved a Crock Pot, hoping I could nurture it into Deluxe Toaster Oven. Who does that?!

@Nora, Thank you so much. I have lurked here for soooo long. I find it helps me greatly. I would want to join in, and then , react to something posted more emotionally than I was comfortable with, and so I would retreat. This is what I seem to be doing im my real life also. Friends and family have expressed concern, (and frustration lol!), that they have a hard time getting a hold of me lately. I am in the process of finding a competent therapist,...My Dr did prescribe an AD, I also just found out that I have a rather alarming congenital hear disorder, (STV, +Afib), I have an older sister who has the same condition. She suffered a stroke in 2003, and had serous complications. I just turned fifty, and I never knew...I did have problems, but though it was stress related anxiety. I've never been one wallow in self pity really. But I must say, I have had a LOT on my plate lately. Much more than just what I speak of here.

@Theradin, I do trust you all. You guys are about the only one's I DO trust lol! I don't try and figure out his insanity anymore. I do focus on myself, but I feel like I am just spinning my wheels...I don't see a lot of ME. But I have to keep trying, what else can I do?

@Hurt2, Thank you for your support, it means so much, as i can't seem to let anyone close to me, in my real life, right now. Thing is, I know I deserve better, but I didn't choose better. Ya know what I mean? wth was wrong with me, doing this to myself?! Oy!

@ Skan, I LOVE you. Your posts are always SO proactive! Yopu shake me out of my inertia lol! I have read thoroughly, the wisdom of the Healing Library, and I am working right now, on all the other great points you made.

I have my doubts about my ex having another child. ( no one else could possibly be so foolish!), He is in his mid 40's. But your right, one never knows... Thanks for all your posts here, you are very good at laying out concrete steps to take, and I need that. It helps me so much.


I Love the necklace analogy! I am going to remember that one.( Never throw pearls before swine!) Thank you for your time, I am so impressed with you. All that you have going on right now, and you are holding up with such grace.

Thanks again to Everyone for taking the time to read, and reply.I really appreciate all of you more than you may know.

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