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never being as much as the AP?

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Theradin posted 4/26/2013 23:07 PM

Anyone else grappling with how your WS had more fun, was more attracted to, and felt more 'alive' with the AP? i know the A was like a drug, but it's still a kick in the gut to know your WS felt more alive, fun, and attracted to the AP then they ever have with you.

For me, my WS was instantly attracted to her AP from the moment she met him (which was prior to her and I ever meeting). Yet, with me, she was never attracted to me throughout the last 10 years we've been together. Though, she now says she is very much attracted to me. To be honest, I'm a bit skeptical at times, but I'm trying to believe it, and accept that my WS hasn't been attracted to me for the last 10 years we've been together, but now is.

Anyone else dealt with this or are still dealing with this?

silverhopes posted 4/26/2013 23:15 PM

Yeah, I've dealt with that too. It's a hard place to be, because you feel so gutted.

For me, what worked was detaching and making it a conscious goal to become more excited about my own life. It didn't happen overnight, and there were feelings of loss and mourning along the way. But now it doesn't bother me as much. That's his life, and since cheating is now a decided *turn-off* to me, I'm not envious of whatever he "shared" with them anymore. I'm excited about my own life.

That is a very difficult, invalidating, heartbreaking place to be. Is there anything you can think of that your WS could do to help you heal? Help bring back the specialness for you? Maybe what's hard about it isn't just the relationship that got invalidated, it feels like being compared directly to the AP. The only thing I can think of about that is to love yourself more than the infidelity hurts. And that takes time.

Theradin posted 4/26/2013 23:24 PM

Thank you, Silver. I am starting to do just that: rebuild myself into the man I've always been. And I really like what you said: cheating is a MAJOR turn-off to me - something I am in no way attracted to in anyone.

Thanks again for your thoughts and advice..!

SAR681 posted 4/26/2013 23:37 PM

I've shed a lot of tears of the fact that I've always daydreamed about the type of love you see in the movies - you know, your eyes meet from across the room and there's an instant spark. We didn't have that. But I heard "there was just always something about her" far too many times.

But, I've come to realize that we were and still are best friends. We didn't have an instant hot love, but I think that's why it's a lasting love. Also, they're relationship was a fairy-tale. They didn't have to deal with kids, bills, responsibilities, etc.

The other thing about those white hot attractions is that they burn out quickly. FWH has mentioned several times that he is surprised by how quickly his positive feelings faded for her. I asked him how he knows that the same wouldn't be true for me. He said because even just the thought of losing me tears him up inside.

So, I guess I just see it that true in some ways I am "not as much" as the OW, but in other - much more important ways - I am so much more!

Theradin posted 4/26/2013 23:46 PM

Thanks so much for the reply.

I guess I'm really struggling with the fact that my WW told me that for the last 10 years we've been together, she's never been attracted to me. But she is now, though, she just revealef to me a couple months ago.

I can understand not having instant attraction, but after 10 years, really? Anyone else been married to someone who learned that their WS was *never* attracted to them during their entire decade + relationship, until after their A ended??

silverhopes posted 4/26/2013 23:59 PM

We haven't been together as long as you guys have, but something similar happened with us. H had been mooning after other women for a while anyway, and when I was pregnant he broke it to me one day: "I'm scared of falling in love with you." Looking back, it was pretty obviously the ILYBINILWY speech. Last summer he finally said out loud that he still felt single around other women, and that was what finally started my 180. A couple of months later, while I was still struggling/building the 180, I had a crying fit and lamented that I wasn't as special to him as the OWs and that he wasn't in love with me. He insisted that I am special and that he is in love with me now ("I didn't know you back then"), cited us having a child together as evidence that I am special to him... So it was interesting. I was in process of detaching (sometime around then I also told him that I officially accept him as single, and boy did that change things!), anyway rambling... While I was working on detaching and occasionally showing the extreme pain I felt as sorrow, he was suddenly invested. UO said that a big part of As are chemicals. I wonder if it's the same for relationships as well, ones in which strong feelings instead of the acts of building commitment are more seen as evidence of significance.

I'll take commitment over chemicals any day.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:09 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

Theradin posted 4/27/2013 08:45 AM

I guess I see what you're saying, and I can see how it makes sense. Maybe a part of me has always wanted to feel like I was really attracted to someone, from the start. But maybe that's a fantasy that I just don't really need to fixate on?

Maybe it's like a job that from your first day, you don't really like, but then after many years (say, 10), you start to really love the job and really enjoy being there. That is a good thing, I guess? Sometimes things just don't seem that cool for a long time, but then start to be pretty cool and enjoyable after you 'condition' yourself to really like it. It is just such a different concept then I ever thought a relationship would be, but that is just something for me to get used to.

Thanks again for the comments and advice. It's really nice to know my situation isn't unique.

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