"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

KBeguile posted 4/27/2013 00:41 AM

I can tell I've changed a LOT since I first came here.

Currently, I'm on assignment out of town on business with a handful of my co-workers, all but one of whom are male, and only one of the guys is older than me.

That said, I went out with them this evening, as I was curious to see what they all wanted to do, and I've been encouraged to network with the other people we are meeting here from other companies. I watched, quietly masking my shame and horror, as all three of the men (one married, one engaged, one unknown) have stared, ogled, and hit on the women at the conference. Even worse is when I express my concerns to my female co-worker and am informed that "you just need to learn how to flirt harmlessly."

It's weird. I have what I feel are proper boundaries now, and I get to see the actions of people who do not. It's also scary. I understand that not everyone has the same relationship dynamic that Heart and I do now, but I honestly worry about the women in their lives who may or may not have any idea this stuff is going on.

Thanks to all of you wonderful people who have helped me improve things about myself that I never knew were broken.

I can't wait to get back home.

Mack9512 posted 4/27/2013 06:44 AM

Is there really such a thing as "harmless flirting" when you are married or in a committed relationship?

authenticnow posted 4/27/2013 06:48 AM

No, there isn't such a thing as harmless flirting.

Kbeguile, it's good that you're getting to a place where you have firm boundaries. Continue to stay vigilant.

ETA Where did you and co-workers go? Was Heart comfortable with your going out?

[This message edited by authenticnow at 6:56 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

disillusioned12 posted 4/27/2013 07:01 AM

I agree with Authentic Now. My STBX's harmless flirting with other women throughout our relationship was rug swept by me. Now here I am a BS about to D an unremorseful WS.

Aubrie posted 4/27/2013 07:24 AM

"you just need to learn how to flirt harmlessly."

Former "Harmless" flirt here. Oh look...I'm a card carrying SI member.

AN raised a very good question. How did Heart feel about you going out?

KBeguile posted 4/27/2013 09:15 AM

As it was the last time I had to make one of these runs (to meet with our software provider), Heart and I had to work out our communications and it was really rough, since it was so soon after D-Day.

This time, I feel a little different, at least. More secure in some respects, less in others (like being self-conscious about being at restaurants by myself). However, I kept in constant communication with Heart and was always available to her. I hope that's helped her, because I know it's helped me.

We even got in some FaceTime and Diablo 3 one night. It was probably the highlight of this conference.