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User Topic: I wish there was a manual on how to get it right...
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Recap: LDEA for 2.5 years. Ended 20.1.13. NC since then. I confessed to H who has refused to talk about it. Want's to "draw a line under it and move on". H doesn't know any details of EA or even who it was. Hasn't asked for them. Every time I attempt to bring it up, he asks if we can change the subject.

So, as you can see, no movement as regards to being open with my H and trying to build our M again. We are having good days and bad days. Moments of tenderness and moments of radio silence. I am temperamental and he is burying his head in work. Seem's to have moments when he "needs" me to moments of not wanting to be around me. This is all speculative of course, as he never SAYS anything to me.

I miss him and I love him. I'm trying to be more patient and understanding. Trying to say sorry through my actions and be a better wife but I'm angry with him. I'm really stuck as to what's going on in my head. In my head I know I have no right to be angry at HIM but in my heart I've identified the emotion of anger.

I'd like some advice on how to deal with my situation. I'd like nothing more than to discuss my EA with my H but I have to respect his wishes. There is so much volatile behaviour. Great physical intimacy and sarcasm and hurtful statements all within the same few hours. Is this normal? At moments of despair I've asked for a separation, but now it's almost seen as a joke as I've said it so many times and never followed through. He doesn't take anything I say seriously (or that's how it feels at least)

To add to all this, there are triggers of AP everywhere and I'm trying very hard to ignore them.

Yesterday, we went to an anniversary party. The couple were affectionate, loving and considerate towards eachother. Was beautiful to see. I remember having that kind of M too.

I know there's a lot of victim talk here in my post but I really need some constructive guidance as how to make things better.

Thank-you

ps. First time taking the stop sign off


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
BaxtersBFF
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The volatile emotions are very normal. What's concerning is that he doesn't seem to be working on anything in a healthy way. Those volatile emotions are something that needs to be worked through, not gotten past.

The manual is right here on this site. Unfortunately, it reads different for everyone.

I'm curious if you can identify there being anger in your heart prior to your A. You said you used to have that loving M, and obviously it's gone now. What was your M really like before the A? I ask because my BW and I thought we had a pretty good M before my A, and so did everyone else, but when we really started looking at it, there were plenty of issues which neither of us knew how to deal with, so we put on a happy face and trudged forward.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, April 28th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perfectly said! He's trying to shoo them away like they never happened. Almost like he doesn't want to believe I am capable of these things. I think his fear is if he accepts the fact that his wife is a "bitch cheater" then he might not be able to be/stay with me and he doesn't want to break up his family. So, he stays with me, tolerates me, and trudges along.

I wonder if he is relieved there was no sex involved?

As for anger in my heart prior to the A, there must have been supressed anger, that we didn't acknowledge. I know, at that point, on the surface everything was fine, but deep down I was desparately lonely and empty.

I can't MAKE him talk and work through things can I? What do I do? Be patient? Hope that he will want to work at it at some point?


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Darksideofme
♀ 38837
Member # 38837
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying33,
Hi, Im feeling very similar this morning. I'm feeling angry and sad. Im angry because I want to get through all of my mess with my BS. Yet he wont talk cause "there is no time" or "because you cry every time". Im sad because i don't feel worthy or any efforts I've made have been acknowledged. I don't know what to do either. Thank you for posting. I hope to get some answers off your post too.


Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them. - Bruce Lee

Posts: 27 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Dakota
Trying33
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Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 1st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It becomes a vicious circle. I tried to explain it to my H today..

You tell me to "chill" and so I do, you tell me we'll talk, everytime I initiate, you always say "it's not a good time". I wait patiently, bursting to communicate. I try again to start some dialogue, you again dismiss me and no communication takes place. My resentment and anger builds up and I over-react at something so tiny. I beg you to listen and open up, you agree to "discuss and talk" and suggest we wait for a convenient time that suits us both. I wait patiently. Days pass, you continue like nothing has happened and the cycle starts again.

The above scenario has now been played out several times since d-day. I know he's afraid. I'm afraid too.

I forget to mention, that during these severe "meltdowns" and moments of despair I don't know what else to do than to tell him I want to separate from him for a while. We just seem to massively push eachothers buttons right now. Neither of us is happy.

Does the above cycle sound familiar to anyone?


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
BostonGirl
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Member # 33930
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, very familiar. Long story short, my H was dutiful in our marriage but became totally emotionally withdrawn as pressures of adulthood and family piled up. I tried for years to open things up and reconnect, brought home books, suggested counseling, but pretty much just got evasion and lip service in response. This devolved into exactly the kind of cycle you describe--the pressure building up in me, I would explode, he would withdraw further. I had an A because I needed affection and sex and my husband absolutely would not give either regardless of how I asked or how hurt I was by their absence. It sucked. We are still working on it. I have totally come clean and did most of the heavy lifting to make change in our marriage (see my history of posts in my profile for specifics, typing on my phone here.) He has come a long way but passive aggressiveness is incredibly hard to overcome and we are not out of the woods yet.

I just read this interview with Mira Kirschenbaum and it resonated a lot with me, maybe you will find the same. Her books are great and I recommend them. Compassionate about the challenges every person in the situation faces and also really level headed about what's needed to make a healthy relationship and the many ways this can fall apart.

http://www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/598#more-598


It'll all be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end.

Posts: 133 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Boston
Akire
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Member # 32101
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, May 2nd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wait patiently, bursting to communicate.

Of everything you have written, this jumps out at me the most. So sad What a lonely place to be in. And that is no revelation to you of course, because as you've said:

deep down I was desparately lonely and empty

I think it is good to get clear that how you chose to attend to the lonely/empty was wrong. More than that, it had and has a devastating impact on people you clearly love. But in acknowledging that, in being willing to look at that in all its ugliness, please don't lose sight of the fact that the lonely/empty feelings still need attending to. They're not wrong. You are bringing that lonely/empty to your BH now, as you should.

I think when it comes to emotions, we can have a really good grip on the idea that people are entitled to them. Especially in a case of betrayal. What we can lose sight of is how these emotions show up. It would be nice if they would occur in a conversation that included "I'm really angry with you!!!!". But that's just words. Anger, like love, is a verb. If I try and put myself in your husband's space, I imagine for him it goes something like this "oh, so now you're done getting your thrills with OM, NOW you want something from me, do you? Well FUCK YOU very much. I will talk to you when I am good and ready, and don't you DARE expect anything more from me when you've fucked me over". (excuse the language - its for emphasis!). That's what anger looks like in practise. We might like it to be neat and tidy; it rarely is. So he is communicating with you, Silence is communication too. I think you're bang on picking up his fear (probably more like terror) - it is clear that there is a lot of that for both of you. I wonder if expressing his wants and needs has not been a good experience for him in the past - they may not have been attended to, or worse he was punished for them. With everything that's happened it might take a while for him to dare to express them to someone he feels so hurt by. As I said above, you're bringing yourself to him, I hope for you both in time he will bring himself to you too.

So in a nutshell, my hunch is: you aren't going nowhere, even though it feels like it. In fact you're doing great! It is a looooong journey {{Trying33}}


BS(me), FWH(gone), 2DS
M-16y, now S
A friend will calm you down when you're angry, but a best friend will skip beside you with a baseball bat singing: "Someone's gonna get it!"

Posts: 124 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Wisconsin
Trying33
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Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your responses.

I've just come across a thread about passive agrressive relationships.

The number of times I have been made to feel inadequate, stupid and insignificant. The years I have blamed myself for difficult situations, felt powerless, suffered from low self-esteem, had my opinions rubbished, my feelings invalidated and yet kept in the M because he told me he loved me and did just enough to make me feel it was worth it

The above resonates with me massively. It's as if I could've written them myself.

What's a good place to start researching if this is a kind of relationship I'm in?

My H agreed this weekend to do the book "His needs, Her needs". It took a bit of convincing but he's agreed. Is this a good book to start with?

I've often felt like it's me who has the issues. Like it's me who broke the marriage. Is it possible for a marriage to be messed up due to only one of the spouses? That is, is it possible that he's doing everything right and it really is ME who's dragging us down? I get told that constantly.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
KBeguile
♂ 38348
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS isn't very open with her emotions, either, and she's not trusting (which makes this doubly difficult).

However, allowing her to read (both with me and on her own) helped in the earliest stages. Also, I would recommend writing out a timeline if you haven't done so already. Perhaps he's the type who would rather read everything and have time to process what he's reading and absorbing, rather than talking about it and having to think about it in real-time?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 802 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Finally10
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Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, May 5th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying

When I first read your post, I began wondering what BS was doing posting in Wayward - I mean, really? Angry at your BS for not doing what YOU want? Any way, I read more and have the following thoughts.

Denial is very powerful. My mother died of denial. She denied she was diabetic until parts starting having to be surgically removed and she got a septic infection and died; just to present an example of extreme denial. You H may be in that state, or he may not recognize or even know what an EA really is. He may be of the belief that if it wasn’t physical, it wasn’t anything to worry about. You’re clearly upset about it and maybe he feels you are handling your problem sufficiently for both of you, I don’t know and am clearly guessing.

I know you know this (because you said it) but you have no right to be angry at how he handles your EA. His process is his process, as unhealthy as you might feel it is, until he feels it unhealthy it is what he is going to do. You clearly have a need to talk about this, but my suggestion is to confide in a close friend, find a counselor or pastor to discuss your feelings about what you did and get yourself healthy. Continuing to be angry at him for not providing validation of your reasons or excuses for engaging in an EA is going to backfire on you. It is just a further escalation of an already dysfunctional cycle you have identified. Further, I sense that you need to re-examine your why’s a little. You said that Pre your A, everything was fine on the surface, but that you were desperate and lonely and as a result you engaged in an LD-EA. You realize you had other options, right? You could have sought counseling, found other things to do to combat loneliness, or even left him if it were that un-resolvable. So, they question is why the EA – was it to hurt him for not fulfilling your needs? I get a lot of anger feelings when I read your posts, like you are entitled to his attention, that you deserve it, have earned it, or whatever and are resentful and angry that he is not giving you what you need and therefore it is his fault. If he is hearing this too, I’m not surprised he is avoiding the discussion.

Further, I wonder if you are dealing with a conflict avoidance situation – The cycle you describe is one of the classic “demon dialogues” described in the book “Hold me Tight”. Your H may be avoiding your self- described temperamental nature and conflict that he perceives will be cast as his fault. My suggestion is that you back off a bit, with the pressure on him – you are only 5 months out, and work on yourself and your communication skills. The demon dialogues can be deadly unless you learn how to break the cycle.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh, but you cannot force healing – your BS is in control and healing is on his timeline. So, take advantage of the lack of pressure from him on you and heal yourself. You may find that a healthier, changed you will be able to draw him out to talk more about emotional subjects once he feels they will not become "his fault" sessions. If you H does not handle emotional subjects well, then you have to handle them in a non confrontational way. From what I read here, I'm not sure you are ready for that yet.

[This message edited by Finally10 at 4:37 PM, May 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
Trying33
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Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally10;

Your post strikes several chords, namely;

Continuing to be angry at him for not providing validation of your reasons or excuses for engaging in an EA is going to backfire on you

I don't understand why he doesn't want to know what the issues were in the marriage (from my pov). How can you resolve/fix problems if you don't know what they are? Maybe he thinks he knows and it's the same old crap on a different day. You're quite right. I am losing this battle. The more I try to engage in this type of discussion the more he shuts down. I have so much frustration and anger and I am convinced I am displacing the anger from AP onto my H. This is highly probable but I can't seem to help errupting.

So, they question is why the EA – was it to hurt him for not fulfilling your needs? I get a lot of anger feelings when I read your posts, like you are entitled to his attention, that you deserve it, have earned it, or whatever and are resentful and angry that he is not giving you what you need and therefore it is his fault. If he is hearing this too, I’m not surprised he is avoiding the discussion.

I do feel all the above. Rightly or wrongly, I feel exactly like this. This is also why I feel so hopeless. As if there's no hope for us. I just can't seem to get over my resentment towards him. Maybe we ARE doomed. I just don't know anymore. I'm carrying so much hurt and I don't know why.

Your H may be avoiding your self- described temperamental nature and conflict that he perceives will be cast as his fault. My suggestion is that you back off a bit, with the pressure on him – you are only 5 months out, and work on yourself and your communication skills. The demon dialogues can be deadly unless you learn how to break the cycle.

I do try but when I see none of my efforts are being ackowledged or mirrored it fuels my frustration. I'm inpatient and I don't even know how I'll know if he is making changes tbh (as they will be very subtle and slow).

I’m sorry if this seems harsh, but you cannot force healing – your BS is in control and healing is on his timeline. So, take advantage of the lack of pressure from him on you and heal yourself. You may find that a healthier, changed you will be able to draw him out to talk more about emotional subjects once he feels they will not become "his fault" sessions. If you H does not handle emotional subjects well, then you have to handle them in a non confrontational way. From what I read here, I'm not sure you are ready for that yet.

You don't sound harsh at all. Thank-you for sharing your thoughts. I am a believer in hearing it as it is which is why I am also brutally honest about what I'm thinking/feeling. I'm not afraid of backlash anymore like I was when I first started to post. I want to better myself for my M. I agree, I will probably be more attractive to him and he will want to open up to me once I stop being such a hot headed bitch but I'm not rewarded for any changes. I know this sounds childish but it's only human nature to want acknowledgment and reassurance that you're on the right track.

Perhaps he's doing this more non-verbally. I will watch out more for non-verbal cues. As I am so articulate with him and expressive with words I hope he will mirror me.

From what you've read, knowing his resistance to reading and "emotion-talk" what book would you recommend we start reading first? Anything too "heavy" and I fear he will be put off.



Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Heavy Sigh
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Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dislike asking this, but thought I'd throw it on the table:

It seems as if Trying's and Boston's spouses were distant before this, and in Boston's situation even disinterested in sex.

Are both of you certain that your BS'es are distant because of pain and denial - time for adjustment - and not because they've been in longterm affairs of some type, or just checked out emotionally for other reasons? I realize that on an affair site all marriage issues begin to look like affair behavior after a long while. I'm not suggesting confronting spouses or accusing, just thinking this through, maybe look at behavior in past to see if anything might fit with evidence rather than just fear and panic feelings at this point of even considering the possibility?


I mention this only from reading a couple of situations either here or advice columns where the BS learns of a spouse's affair and writes that he never admitted his own.

Also, there are "handbooks" that give advice to WS about dealing with a BS and reconciliation issues, although it's possible they don't offer as much advice to a WS dealing with a distant BS instead of a BS who is shifting between grief and anger.

Someone may have more advice on which books might address that issue of having an uncommunicative BS.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 8:49 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 1921 | Registered: Dec 2011
Finally10
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Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, I will probably be more attractive to him and he will want to open up to me once I stop being such a hot headed bitch but I'm not rewarded for any changes. I know this sounds childish but it's only human nature to want acknowledgment and reassurance that you're on the right track.

OK, now look at that statement closely - Why isn't changing yourself for you enough? Why do you need his validation to be happy? Sure it's nice when our spouses say things like I know you are working hard, trying or whatever, but you really need to be dong this because YOU know you need to change your own outlook. You know the saying - "Doing the right thing is doing the right thing even if no one notices" or something to that effect.

As to a first book, I suggest the five love languages test first, and then the book if he is interested. For you, the McDonald book How to help your spouse heal from your affair - if you haven't read it.

One final thought--google Brene Brown and watch her video links - You will likely see that you H feels shame or that he is weak somehow because he couldn't keep you from straying - You will hear that most men have two modes of shame - pissed off or shut down. Sound familiar?

[This message edited by Finally10 at 10:11 AM, May 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
Finally10
♂ 36900
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, May 6th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand why he doesn't want to know what the issues were in the marriage (from my pov). How can you resolve/fix problems if you don't know what they are? Maybe he thinks he knows and it's the same old crap on a different day. You're quite right. I am losing this battle. The more I try to engage in this type of discussion the more he shuts down. I have so much frustration and anger and I am convinced I am displacing the anger from AP onto my H. This is highly probable but I can't seem to help errupting.

Simply, and gently, because your decision to step out of the marriage for validation had nothing to do with his actions in the marriage. Sure, it may have made you vulnerable to outside attention, but you really have to split the issues up. You are in the "if he fixes what I see wrong, then everything will be OK" mode. Wrong. You really have to ignore what you see as wrong for now, suck it up and work on you, find your own personal WHY, and know that him not meeting your needs for attention or validation are NOT it. Once you get past this point and you are more healthy, MC would be a good start, a safe place where the MC can call you out when you go off track and start blaming him. I would suggest you start IC and work on this before he gets to the angry and pissed off stage. This will not be a pleasant dynamic given your self described nature unless you have some tools and have done some work on your end.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
Trying33
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Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HeavySigh,

The thought has crossed my mind many times but I really do think it's a personality trait of my H. If I really look back he's always been a bit emotionally distant, I've just never realised to what extent. He avoids conflict at all levels. Confrontation makes him feel uncomfortable. He deals with most events in his life internally. Doesn't tend to talk much.

Finally,

Again, thanks for your wise words and reading suggestions. I know I need to work on myself but it's massively infuriating that he does NO work on himself and when I encourage him to, his response is "I don't need to read, there's nothing wrong with me". I mean, what does one say to that? Do I give it a timeframe and be patient? Most of the time I feel hopeless at statements like this.

I will, for now, focus on myself. I recognise I'm inpatient. As a first instance, I need to work on that and accept this is not going to happen as quickly as I imagined it would.

The thing about him not wanting to talk to me because I get aggressive and defensive is 100% true and he confirmed this last night.

I need to expel some anger (which I think is left over from the A). I have booked some kickboxing lessons :)


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
numb&dumb
♂ 28542
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

massively infuriating that he does NO work on himself

Sometimes all a BS can do is stay and try to keep it together. It takes a whole lot of "work" just to keep it together after finding out. Staying may be all he can manage right now. The shame, loss of pride, loss of self and loss of what he thought he had are hard to adjust to. He also may still be stuck in denial.

His path to healing is his own. You can't make him heal or heal for him. You also can't force the M to be healed. Anything that was an issue before Dday has now been eclipsed by Dday. I remember I told my W early on when she asked about MC. "I need to be sure that there is a M I want to save first." It was hard for her to hear, but it was how I felt. I wasn't sure if I wanted my M or not. I expected as most BS do that we would get D. Anything else was new and unfamiliar. I longed for safe and familiar. I was lost, but didn't show it. I wasn't about to give my W the satisfaction of seeing my emotions.

You can only control yourself. At this stage, the best thing you can do for the both of you, is work on doing things yourself. Work through that anger in IC. Not a single part of your anger is going to help you through this process. Anger covers up a deeper emotion and rarely exists in a vacuum.

Go easy on him, he may not show it, but I guarantee you he is in his own private hell. He just can't show you in a way you can see yet. Maybe it is the trust factor, maybe he doesn't want to act vulnerable in front of you. I don't know for sure. I do know that if you keep pushing before he feels comfortable or ready it isn't going to end well.

Begin work on yourself and listen to him when he speaks. Slowly show him you are changing the hot headed whatever you said earlier into someone who is safe to talk to. Until then he probably is going to continue on his current path or become ever more distant.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
MissesJai
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, May 7th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

his response is "I don't need to read, there's nothing wrong with me". I mean, what does one say to that?
What do you say to that? "Ok" - then shift your focus on to YOU because hon, that's where all your focus needs to be. He's either gonna get right or get left behind. Period. I went through the same exact struggle with my BH. Eventually, with MUCH help from my IC, I let it go. His healing is HIS and whatever he chooses is on him. I don't take it on. I refuse. I got my own shit to to deal with.

ETA: I don't mean to sound flippant, I just know what worked for me.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 3:53 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6046 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Trying33
♀ 38815
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm starting to identify the anger. Thought I was done with withdrawing. It would appear not. Went through a great few months. This week it's felt as raw as soon after D-day. I know what the trigger is, I'm trying to distract myself and avoid it.

All your guy's advice about working on myself right now is spot on. I'm still hurting from the end of the A. didn't want to admit it, but I am. No wonder I'm transfering all this anger onto my H. I need to separate the issues like someone said.

For now, the plan is to keep posting, reading, refelcting digging, questioning, listening. I'm going to back off big time from my h and I mean this in a positive way.

Go easy on him, he may not show it, but I guarantee you he is in his own private hell. He just can't show you in a way you can see yet. Maybe it is the trust factor, maybe he doesn't want to act vulnerable in front of you. I don't know for sure. I do know that if you keep pushing before he feels comfortable or ready it isn't going to end well.

I agree. He and I just need to "be" for a little while. I'm sure he'll appreciate some light conversation and a reduction in the "heaviness". It's almost like we're getting to know eachother again.


Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Finally10
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Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, May 8th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


For now, the plan is to keep posting, reading, reflecting digging, questioning, listening. I'm going to back off big time from my h and I mean this in a positive way.

Good steps.... I would keep the questioning part for now to questioning yourself as in part of the self reflection process and I would add that a very good thing to do now would be to tell your BH what you are doing, lest he feel you are simply giving up on the M, re-engaging with OM, or looking for another. Make sure your are clear that you are not disengaging from him or the M and that you have realized that a lot of what you are feeling is self inflicted and you need to deal with that on your own. Be happy if he just says "OK", and ecstatic if he says "what do you mean?" Keep the conversation low key, non confrontational, non blaming and all about what YOU are thinking and planning to do. If the conversation goes south, avoid the angry response and keep it to "I love you and want to heal our M and just wanted you to know what is going on with me, you don't need to do anything right now. Above all, stay calm.

[This message edited by Finally10 at 10:15 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
Trying33
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Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, May 9th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the advice. I've absorbed it. It's the kind of nurturing advice my mother would give. She often say's I'm too harsh with my H. He just infuriates me sometimes but I think most spouses piss off their spouses.

Anyway, I just sent him a text and he replied "oh wow, why the sudden niceness". Made me think how awful I must've been lately as it wasn't even that nice. Actually, it's the kind of thing that I'd normally say.

He fell in love with a sweet, kind and caring young woman. That woman took that away from him as she felt lost, empty and resentful and gave it to another man, who later threw it back in her face. This woman needs to figure this shit out in her head and what she exactly wants as right now she doesn't know. She needs time and an ability to let go of negative thoughts.

Thanks again.


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