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Melancholy... anyone else get waves after successful R?

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MrsDoubtfire posted 4/27/2013 07:22 AM

Today I feel.... melancholy.

I guess it was because, as I was listening to music and put it onto shuffle mode it played a couple of songs that took me back to the time when me and FWH were S and that old anxiety and gut wrenching fear came to the surface... then it happened... I sobbed!!

And I felt overwhelmed with melancholy.

The good days are 99% of my life now and, although I think about his A every day (yes-still) in some capacity, they don't bog me down like they used to as I look at the couple we are now as opposed to the dysfunctional people we were then!!

I guess I was just a bit shocked at the depth of my sorrow just now so wanted to ask the veterans on here if this is normal?

I am guessing this will probably be an emotion that will tend to crop up.... even in the future... just need someone to 'normalise' it for me so I can stop wondering if it's normal

OptimisticWife posted 4/27/2013 07:44 AM

(((MrsDoubtfire)))

As you are further along in R than me I can't offer you any words of wisdom other than I guess this is normal as long the feeling doesn't last for too long?? I would imagine we will all experience sadness when we take the time to reflect on what was. I guess as long as you can acknowledge it as the past and bring yourself back to the present and to your current state of happiness, then it should be fine right? I would love to hear from those further out too

doesitgetbetter posted 4/27/2013 11:36 AM

Yes, I still have those melancholy times. Mine seem to come out of nowhere though, and for no real reason. I find that when I'm having a good day, enjoying the weather, going grocery shopping or something mundane, and being grateful for what I have.... I find myself having to choke back a few tears at those moments. I'm not sure why, maybe I'm just choked up about what I have now considering all that I almost lost so long ago? I don't really know.

What I do know is, after 5 years, I still do what you're describing. So, I would guess it's fairly normal.... at least for the two of us.

GraceisGood posted 4/27/2013 12:37 PM

My grandmother was the most important person in my life until I met my H and even then I am pretty sure I would have done anything for her even if it meant going against my H. She was my world.

She died just over 20 years ago. I still get very sad and miss her deeply and it can hit me out of the blue. I can go months, possibly a year or more without the melancholy, and then bam, something switches my mind to think of her and I am melancholy even all these years later. It does not last long, and for some reason it really does not bother me.

I believe the pain of infidelity (for me) is similar to the pain of loss of my grandmother (because of the similarity of why I loved my grandmother and the "ideology" I had about M)and that it will come and go as the pain/sadness over my grandmothers passing has. I do not see it ending, just morphing and changing as I grow and change and move through different stages of life.

(((((MrsDoubtfire)))))

MrsDoubtfire posted 4/27/2013 13:09 PM

Posted: 5:36 PM, April 27th (Saturday), 2013
Yes, I still have those melancholy times. Mine seem to come out of nowhere though, and for no real reason. I find that when I'm having a good day, enjoying the weather, going grocery shopping or something mundane, and being grateful for what I have.... I find myself having to choke back a few tears at those moments. I'm not sure why, maybe I'm just choked up about what I have now considering all that I almost lost so long ago? I don't really know.
What I do know is, after 5 years, I still do what you're describing. So, I would guess it's fairly normal.... at least for the two of us.

This makes sense actually. It's almost like I'm loving how we got here but mourn the journey I had to take to get here.

I'm sorry you still get it too but thanks for normalising it for me.

girlsbird posted 4/27/2013 13:13 PM

((((Mrs. Doubtfire))))

At 2.5 yrs out I get that melancholy feeling myself. I truly believe it is normal.

MrsDoubtfire posted 4/27/2013 13:19 PM

Thanks girlsbird. The more normal it is the easier it is to accept I guess. And the easier it is to accept the easier it will be to seek solutions to how to deal with it.

struggling3 posted 4/27/2013 13:39 PM

I am at less than two years out and most definitely get hit with this occasionally. As I was reading your post, I was checking your DDay and thought Uh oh...guess this is going to be a small part of my normal for awhile. It's good to know. I know what you mean about just needing to hear it is normal from others. Thanks SI peeps...you are all helping me tremendously with this journey.

lost_in_toronto posted 4/27/2013 14:16 PM

I almost four years out and still have moments of sadness. It can be pretty overwhelming, even after all these years.

Honestly, although I am happy to be with my partner still and I am glad we reconciled, there are still moments that I look at him and just cannot believe that someone I love so much did that to me. And it takes my breath away for a few moments.

FeelsSoRight posted 4/27/2013 18:53 PM

Yep...almos 4 years in very successful R but it hits me occasionally too. I just posted something similar about a month ago or so.

ms521 posted 4/27/2013 19:01 PM

I can't really offer any special insight here since you're further along in the R process, but I want you to know that your post validated me this evening. I've had a very blue day following a pretty good week, and I can't explain it. WH is doing everything right, but today I'm blue. No "real" reason. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this because not only does it make me feel normal tonight, it prepares me to expect this down the road.

(((MrsDoubtfire)))

healingk posted 4/27/2013 22:20 PM

At about 4.5 years from D-day, I still have my moments, that I feel so sad. 99% of the time things are great, we have a successful R, but there are times that I do still cry, and feel sad, so I guess it is normal.

MrsDoubtfire posted 4/28/2013 02:30 AM

I can't really offer any special insight here since you're further along in the R process, but I want you to know that your post validated me this evening. I've had a very blue day following a pretty good week, and I can't explain it. WH is doing everything right, but today I'm blue. No "real" reason. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this because not only does it make me feel normal tonight, it prepares me to expect this down the road.

Ms521- huge hugs to you. Trust me, the process does get easier and the hurt is easier to deal with the longer down this path we go....which is why my sudden sobbing took me so much by surprise, hence the post asking if others had this too. Please don't be disheartened, keep working on R.
Today? I am back to happy MrsDoubtfire and hope it will be a while ( never again would be the goal) before I crash again.

Thanks guys for all the replies. SI - you really are invaluable.

brokengrandma52 posted 4/28/2013 07:57 AM

It will be 3 years for us in July. I still have occasional bouts of sorrow and anxiety. I am very much better then I was a year ago. Pretty happy....but the moments do happen. I think the worst part is when I dwell on how many lies I was told and how I believed them. Duh! So...I try not to dwell.

SeeThingsNow1 posted 4/28/2013 21:03 PM

happened today ~ just hearing a song and for no reason, popped into my head - i never asked if they had "a song" this one would fit...then I have this mental conversation, why would I even think that? the crap is long over...it was just a random pop-up i had to squash down but made me feel sad that I even had the thought...

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