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Just found out. Devastated. How much should I dig??

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Guss posted 4/27/2013 07:24 AM

Just found out and been probelled to this forum.
I got married with my wife after a whirlwind affair and after discovering that she was pregnant. That was 8 years ago. We now have two beautiful kids, 8 & 6. We have had our fair challenges and upheavals in our 8 years of marriage.

However, two days ago I just made a startling discovery, through a message she forgot to delete from her cell phone, that my wife has been having an adulterous affair with an ex of hers in all the 8 years of our 8 year marriage! I am devastated and in a stake of shock and confusion, lost appetite and unable to work. I am confused as to whether to work on the marriage or to start steps towards divorce. When I confronted her, she sounded remorseful but not entirely sincere, blaming. Also she blamed the frustrations in our relationship as pushing her to remain in the affair all these years. The huge dilemma for me is that I feel if the affair has been going on for the past 8 years it will difficult for her to break up from it.

Here is my immediate problem:

As part of my healing, I find myself seek to probe more about the relationship and get answers, and the more I probe, the more graphic my probing is. I need help, would you recommend I interrogate her about the graphic details of the affair like: where they met for their escapades, whether they used protection, how regularly they met, how long their meetings lasted, etc?? While she is painstakingly releasing some of the requested information, I am wondering if it is worth it. Mainly, will this information hasten my healing or it make my recovery from the shock worse as I remember the graphic details shared? How much should I demand to know?? Please advise as I am confused and lost meaning of life.
Thanks,

Guss

Safeguard posted 4/27/2013 07:41 AM

(((Guss)))

I am so SO sorry for what brings you here! The whole entire 8 yrs of your marriage?!

I am sure more experienced members will be along with better advice for you, I just wanted to let you know that I hear you and I am feeling how stunned, confused and hurt you are, in your words.

It is different for everyone, how much one can "handle" knowing. Some need as much detail as possible, some just need to know the facts in general. Infidelity can really do a number on your health, both emotionally and physically. I respectfully suggest perhaps you should seek a counselor to help you find your comfort zone regarding "details", and help you deal with this massive betrayal.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 7:53 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

Guss posted 4/27/2013 07:43 AM

Thanks you for the soothing response. I have never known so much pain in my life.

Safeguard posted 4/27/2013 07:52 AM

You are most welcome. You are among some of the kindest people you will ever meet here. We have all been in the infidelity trenches. Much support and good solid advice is available here.

The healing Library is a gold mine. You may want to take a look. You will find a great deal to relate to there, and it's a good way to begin trying to get a sense of how to navigate this painful new situation, you now find yourself forced to deal with.

[This message edited by Safeguard at 7:57 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

OK now posted 4/27/2013 07:56 AM

Welcome to SI.
Your wife doesn't love or respect you and she wants to remain in the marriage for security and the sake of the children. You need to face up to this terrible reality before making any kind of decision. I would guess the OM isn't available.

She married out of necessity [pregnancy] not because she loved you and she selfishly tried to have the best of both worlds by maintaining this affair. You really need to check the parentage of the children [DNA] considering the cheating was through both pregnancies.

What a nightmare. You have my heartfelt sympathy and I agree with you she will probably take this affair underground and it will continue for heavens knows how long. An 8 year addiction will be difficult to end.

I would probably file for divorce even if you don't go through with it. Maybe you csn jolt her into facing up to the enormity of what she has done.

OK now posted 4/27/2013 08:06 AM

Guss,
Besides filing for divorce [don't necessarily have to go through with it] I would let family members know; expose the affair to put pressure on your wife. Is the OM married? if so,tell his wife.

Affairs flourish in the dark and exposure will make it difficult for wife to keep seeing the OM. She will, of course, want you to keep silent so she can protect the OM and their relationship.

Keep seeking advice from SI; this support will be very helpful through the next few months.

I think I can posted 4/27/2013 08:07 AM

It is perfectly normal to want to find out exactly what happened and is happening in your life. Even the graphic stuff. No worries about that.

sailorgirl posted 4/27/2013 08:08 AM

Guss,

I am so sorry. Finding out that your spouse cheated is like getting hit by a truck. For your whole marriage? It must be like getting hit by an 18 wheeler.

Cheating spouses love to blame the faithful spouse for their own inability to live their wedding vows. Remember that no matter what your wife says, this is not your fault.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Something is deeply wrong with her. Emotionally healthy people do not deceive the people they love.

Many of the challenges and upheavals in your marriage were probably caused by her justifying her horrible betrayal. Cheaters tend to be angry, critical and push away from their spouse.

This is going to be a long process for you, and the general wisdom is not to make any decisions about divorce or reconciliation for six months. Take your time. Give yourself and your kids lots of TLC.

Tell your wife that she must go completely non-contact with her ex and start individual counseling or move out. If she resists, read up on the 180 and start applying it. I'm sorry to say that your wife sounds like she will resist because she has dodged the blame for this for eight years.

Remember that even if she had given the marriage an honest, faithful try in the beginning, and then gone through difficulties, that would be no excuse to cheat. There is no excuse. When your marriage is in trouble, you turn to your spouse, open up, and start working. People who don't understand this are a danger to your heart.

((Gus))

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 8:59 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

heforgotme posted 4/27/2013 09:14 AM

?

How much should I demand to know??

This is a really good question. I think at first sometimes we think we want to know absolutely everything. But once we hear it, it will be seared on our brains forever. So, I do think you need to be careful about what you ask.

For me, I needed to know all the wheres and whens, but I didn't ask anything about the sex. For you it might be different.

bufffalo posted 4/27/2013 09:50 AM

Guss...

Welcome to SI, bro...yep it blows...

I do hope you read the "healing library"...yes...the whole thing. Its in the yellow box on the left side of this screen.

The OM (other man)...is he married? If so his wife needs to know....(this is where a lot of affairs will go "underground")...with his wife in on the secret the less likelihood of the affair NOT ending...the affair must be over...and NC (no contact) MUST be in place if your marriage is ever going to get past this....

Bro....this affair is NOT your fault - you have zero blame in all this bullshit...

Also...cheaters lie. NEVER forget this....it goes with the territory...and affairs with "exes" can be especially tricky....they have a history of being together...very hard to get through. Also...she didn't confess...she got busted....

You will get past all this.....one way or another....with or without her....you will be OK.

Keep us posted....

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 9:52 AM, April 27th (Saturday)]

Sal1995 posted 4/27/2013 11:37 AM

Guss, I'm sorry you are going through this nightmare. As for details, I wanted to know everything. That might not be appropriate for everyone, but it's my nature and what I felt was best for me. My imagination would probably have created facts more grisly than the truth, anyway. If that's even possible. An affair is really a dark, ugly thing that demeans and defiles all involved. I don't care how they are portrayed in popular culture (i.e., Bridges of Madison County). The reality is very different - it's the ultimate act of selfishness in a marriage. I'll pray for your recovery and peace of mind, whether that comes from R or D.

girlsbird posted 4/27/2013 14:10 PM

First I am so sorry that you find yourself here. You will find a wealth of information and strength here. Weekends can sometimes be a little slow but someone is always around. As has been suggested before read the Healing Library.

Only you can decide how much you want to know.

It is imprtant to take care of yourself right now. This is one of the most if not the most difficult thing in your life. It sucks.

Strength and hugs to you. You will be alright although right now I know your not so sure of that.

[This message edited by girlsbird at 2:15 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

kenny55 posted 4/27/2013 17:25 PM

Guss,
Welcome and sorry you are here. Are you sure the kids are yours? You may have to test. As for details, once you know you vam't unknow. Good luck man.

papoula posted 4/27/2013 21:19 PM

Guss, I'm in the same situation as you. I just found out and I know I only got a little tip of the iceberg. I KNOW deep in my heart and for many times I ignored the signs that there much much more and I know that until I know everything i can't even consider trying reconciliation. He is not being cooperative to tell me the truth and I think he might not ever tell me the whole truth so we are stuck. If he doesn't tell me the truth it is the end for me. So as of right now I am dealing with the end of my marriage.
I am just like you I keep thinking about it how many times, when, where, how and how long that would last if I haven't found out? I agree when someone said that the truth might print an imagine on your mind forever but wonder can be even worse.

papoula posted 4/27/2013 21:19 PM

Guss, I'm in the same situation as you. I just found out and I know I only got a little tip of the iceberg. I KNOW deep in my heart and (for many times I ignored the signs)that there much much more and I know that until I know everything i can't even consider trying reconciliation. He is not being cooperative to tell me the truth and I think he might not ever tell me the whole truth so we are stuck. If he doesn't tell me the truth it is the end for me. So as of right now I am dealing with the end of my marriage.
I am just like you I keep thinking about it how many times, when, where, how and how long that would last if I haven't found out? I agree when someone said that the truth might print an imagine on your mind forever but wonder can be even worse.

[This message edited by papoula at 9:20 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

NoraLee posted 4/27/2013 21:27 PM

I needed to know everything and asked the same questions frequently. This is normal. You have suffered an extreme assault - something happened to you and you need to know. If there are questions you fear might do more harm than good - sit on it for a day - if you still need to know, ask.

We know how this feels - we completely empathize with you...my life has been peppered with obstacles that I've been proud of overcoming and would have sidelined many - but infidelity has knocked me on my ass.... Be gentle with yourself.

I'm sorry you're here...remember - this IS NOT your fault - you had nothing to do with the A. We can own our share of the problems in a marriage but their coping mechanisms are theirs alone to own.

Dawn58 posted 4/28/2013 11:17 AM

so sorry that you need to be here.

When I confronted my WH, he told me to leave the house. I have only seen him twice in the last few months and have talked to him on the phone a couple of times, so have not had much opportunity to directly get information. When I asked him questions, he did not answer. I know when the affair started, based on the one text message I printed out when I found out about the affair. I have done some snooping. I want to know what happened, trying to make sense of it. But when I uncover something (like proof of the hotel room stays), it devastates me. I get slammed back down to the ground and the pain and hurt is overwhelming at times. But, I have this desire for the truth, no more lies.

Unfortunately, my questions will never be answered. All I know is that he cheated on me, he chose to be with the skank and my world has come crashing down.

It is devastating. Know that there are people here that understand what you are going through and can give you so much support!! You are not alone!

ReunitePangea posted 4/28/2013 14:05 PM

So sorry you are here Gus.

I can relate to your situation, my wife's 12 year affair started before we were married as well. As to your question on the length making it difficult to stop it is often not the case in these long affairs. My wife's affair stopped easily, dealing with it is the hard part. First off, none of it is your fault. Don't let her blame shift on you. Especially in your case with her affair starting before you are married you just tell her it is 100% her fault and she needs to own the shit she caused.

Your wife has defects or issues within herself that is the cause and reasons why the affair happened. She needs to figure these out.

As to how much info you should get, that is something you need to answer yourself. Many people want to know everything. Myself I wanted far less details. I wanted to know a general timeframe, generally what type of lies she told but not much else. I didn't want to know where, full details on what they did, exact dates or the things they said. Since my wife's affair happened before our marriage as well I didn't think that amount of detail would be helpful. Remember once you know a detail, you can no longer forget it. One thing my wife has done is tell me her good memories of our wedding and marriage to help combat the tainted memories from the affair.

You have lots of people here that have great advice. Again I'm so sorry you are here.

Guss posted 4/28/2013 14:27 PM

You guys are sooo awesome!!!
Have now survived into my 3rd day coz of all of you. Am slowing down on digging on the graphics details as it was now becoming too unbearable. On the positive side knowledge of some of the graphic details has assisted me in delaying R as I seek to heal my wounded heart. I appreciate further advise from those who dug too much and whether there were any positives from that approach?

hatefulnow posted 4/28/2013 19:07 PM

Have you thought about a paternity test?

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