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million pieces posted 4/27/2013 08:02 AM

warning language

I am on FB, rarely post, mostly watch (like here ). Well for the past week, many of my friends have been posting "working mom validation articles" from fairly big name publications. Rah rah to the working mom who can do it all, loves her job and is super mom - WITH THE HELP OF THE DAD.

I want an article about the single mom, who works full time, not because she loves her art/work, but because she has to. Doing my best at a role that I did NOT sign up for. I was a SAHM for 8 yrs, LOVING it. I am working now because my shithead ex decided that he loved fucking a younger, trailer trash slunt (and then marrying her) was more important than our family. I don't hate my job, but I hate commuting 1+hrs EACH FUCKING WAY IF I AM LUCKY so I can support my kids. I do this because my state doesn't believe in alimony anymore and my shithead ex is STILL A FUCKING ASSHOLE and is forcing me to take him back to court because he wont pay for his part in childcare.

I want an article praising all of us mom who are doing our fucking best to eat a shit sandwich. And do it with a smile because we have to. And I want to be a good role model for my kids/daughter.

So when my daughter asks me why I can't go to her field trips like I did with my son the first couple of years what do I say? Because your dad is a slut fucking asshole who works from home and yet can NEVER help pick up the kids if I'm stuck in traffic. Or answer the phone when the kids are sick and I have no more sick days.

Like the article I just read, I am not doing it for the "nice" house or the dance lessons, I am doing it for the "little, tiny" house and food on your plate. I am a working mom to survive not just to make my life better.

Now don't get me wrong, I actually like my life a lot. I am sooooo happy ex is not in my life, ours was not a happy M in the end. And I like my job, like who I work with, and my boss. I do NOT like where it is. But I did not choose this role, he chose this. Without a single bit of input from me.

tryingagain74 posted 4/27/2013 08:21 AM

I'm in the same place. I was a SAHM for six years, and I returned to work part-time three years ago because things were going poorly in STBX's line of business due to the recession. I am still part-time right now, but I'm upping my hours next year, and I will have to go full-time eventually so that I can support my kids, prepare for retirement, etc.

I know exactly how you feel. My kids already ask me why I can't be at this and that like other parents, and it breaks my heart. That my life was thrown into upheaval so that my STBX could pursue (and even sadder, eventually marry) a piece of tail he found on an online cheating site is the height of insanity. I'm less stunned by it these days, but that was a huge idea to wrap my mind around at first.

Anyway, I hear ya. You're not alone. I don't know about you, though, but I was already all alone as a parent in many ways before we split. Although I don't like having to spend more time at my job and less time with my kids, my STBX wasn't one of those dads who was awesome about helping out. He left everything to me, so I'm pretty used to it. But it does gall me that I chose someone to have kids with who behaves that way.

Maybe if our society were more open and honest about the damage that infidelity does to families, we'd see more articles like the one you'd like to see. While we're romanticizing it and blaming the BS for causing it, though, the "single parent" will remain somewhat stigmatized. You know-- we brought this upon ourselves and should have been better spouses, should have tried harder to work things out (with an unremorseful WS)...

gahurts posted 4/27/2013 08:28 AM

Hey million pieces,

What you say makes so much sense, is well written and is the case for so many women AND I would dare say quite a few men. I know I hate the fact I have always been the provider whether married or single and I always have to be the responsible one while I got taken advantage of time and again because they did not see a need to contribute.

I love my job, most of the people I work with but the distance is a bit far (not as bad as your commute but close).

Anyway - I think you should write an article and submit it for publication. Publishers are always looking for more material and many decent name magazines accept articles for publication. It doesn't have to be super long, just explain this aspect of being a super woman because of your committment to your kids and the necessity that was placed in front of you through no choosing of your own.

Helen of Troy posted 4/27/2013 08:56 AM

Yeah I find myself resenting the mother who works outside the home with the help of the dad too. Oh please, call the wahbulance. She wouldn't make it one whole day in our world!

I'm also jealous of civilly divorced people who are able to co parent...not asking to be liked or x approval , for the best interest of the kids' sake just support me as a parent not tear me down with attempts at blame and ridicule at every opportunity.

tesla posted 4/27/2013 09:17 AM

I totally get this. I still feel resentment well up when I can't go on a field trip or send something in for the class party.

I need to meet these coparenting unicorns.

GrievingMommy posted 4/27/2013 09:28 AM

I feel the same way! I too didn't sign up for this (being a single parent).

I've been doing this on my own since my twins were 14 months old. We've gotten into some heavy discussions at work and it's taken me to say it like it is. Telling them that if they're not feeling well their SO would help take care of the kids so they can rest, someone else make supper sometimes, clean, run the kids around, baths, bedtime, get them up at 5:20 am for daycare since I work at 6:30 am, etc. It's me --- ALL ME ALL THE TIME. Hell, I don't even get to sleep in past 7 am on the weekends. I miss my sleep!

Hell, my ex lives 9+ hrs away so I don't even get every other weekend without kids. I have them all but a couple of days every 4+ months when he comes to town and a month in the summer.

I would love to see an article about the single parent!!

Oh the Irony posted 4/27/2013 09:48 AM

A very fine rant indeed. I haven't run across those articles but I think they might make me rant too.

There is so much privilege in having a spouse that people really take for granted.

Survivor3512 posted 4/27/2013 09:50 AM

((million)) I agree with gahurts. YOU should write the article. There are lots of people, men & women, in your position and you're right- they don't have a voice. I think your post was well written. It might also help you to get your thoughts out there. Just an idea...

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