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He told me he isn't willing to give her up!

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savvy posted 4/27/2013 10:59 AM

I can't believe my husband told me he needs time to figure out what he wants. He isn't ready to commit to divorce but won't give her up. Well his things are on the porch. I don't know if I will ever recover from this pain. How can someone with any kind of conscience go back to Ow when he sees the pain he has caused? I'm not understanding. I don't know if I even want him back. It's hard to think of giving up 30 years and lots of memories

nordicbabe posted 4/27/2013 11:11 AM

Mine said that and that's why he's my ex husband (nearly). Forget what he wants. Ask yourself if you deserve, after however many years of marriage (and possibly kids) if you deserve to be kept in reserve in case it doesn't work out with the new piece. Because that's what your husband is doing: he's keeping you as a backup plan. And probably loving that you're falling apart, the side piece is still around and he's the king of cake.

Shut down the bakery, see a lawyer, show him that you're nobodies second choice.

Good luck. I know it sucks.

mj052 posted 4/27/2013 11:37 AM

My heart goes out to you! My husband told me one year ago after d-day that he was confused and he just wasn't ready to end it with mow! Because she was there for him and he couldn't just toss her aside! As shocking and heartbreaking as this was for me after being with him for over 32 years I immediately realized it was his mid life crisis and he was still in the fog of his affair. This other woman became his "wife" for over eight months and he transferred his "emotional attachment" which should of been mine to her. But- it's all so sick- how could be think she's such a wonderful person! Obviously- it's all about him and how she makes him feel! He has no responsibilities with her and it's all just fantasyland! She of course treats him like a God and that's incredibly attractive to all broken men. Sooner or later your wayward will have a revelation that his ap isn't what he thought when she starts making demands! Pop some popcorn and watch the drama as it unfolds! Hugs to you!

papoula posted 4/27/2013 11:43 AM

savvy, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I read here something about being easy for them to do something like this because with he have shared a life, the day by day isn't always beautiful. Routine and the normal things of a daily life isn't as beautiful as the rainbows and butterflies he is chasing with her. But the players might change but the game is always the same. He will get tired of her, routine and reality will kick in with her too. What I suggest you to do is the non contact rule or the 180 rules. When me and my H were only dating he broke up with me suddenly and he was very sure about the separation I was hurting and was doing everything wrong. I was chasing and pursuing him like a puppy. Begging for him to come back waiting for any crumbs he would give me. Then I found about the non contact rule which is something that will help you in first place. It will help you regain the power. You have to cut all contact with him for a while, let him wonder how you are doing, let him starve about any information about you. If you search on-line you can find lots of information about the non contact rule. You have to tell him you agree with the divorce and that you need time for yourself and YOU will contact him when you are ready. Don't let him know anything about you and even if you are hurting show that you are fine and moving on with your life. You will confuse him, he will think he might have lost you for good. At least for me worked very well. It helped me to get better and move on. I focused on my self and gained strength. Like nordicable said think what is best for you and right now he is exactly thinking that he can have whenever he wants and you are there to stay waiting for you as back up plan. I hope this helps you. Lots of love and hugs for you.

Jada52 posted 4/27/2013 11:43 AM

So sorry Savvy. He is a jerk.

Mine said if I did not like the hours he spends on the phone with OW, I could file the papers and he would sign them. He would talk to her because he likes talking to her.

papoula posted 4/27/2013 11:52 AM

I agree with all mj052 said. Just sit back, relax and watch the drama unfolds.

Shockleader posted 4/27/2013 11:59 AM

Yes, 30 years is a very long time of memories that you look back on, and wonder HOW??? I, and everyone here so knows the pain, and confused hurt feelings. You will recover to some new normal, and it's gained day by day, no way else.

I was in the same shoes, and my only reaction, not choice, was to file for divorce, and I recommend the same for you. You can always "un-file", as the situation warrants, but right now it is the only option to get you out of cake eating limbo forced upon you.

You might Google:

"just let them go"

and see if that helps give you strength; I know it did for me. Best of luck, and I am very sorry for your pain.

P.S. Here is a great passage from "just let them go":

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

LovingFool posted 4/27/2013 12:07 PM

Oh my gosh. I am so very sorry. i know it is so painful and that you cant even see straight. I know exactly how you are feeling. My WH said that to me less than a month ago. I couldn't think. All I could think was "what?" over & over again for a couple of days. Give yourself some space to think and pray. Try to remember your marriage good times and bad times. Don't make a decision and don't feel forced into a decision until you are ready.
I decided to fight for my marriage and I am still fighting every day despite the constant pain. We have little ones at home and through some divine providence I have the strength and knowledge that my WH got too wrapped up and couldn't break away.
I think sometimes WS get wrapped up in the "feeling" in love with all the excitement and ego building that comes along with it. The OW probably is saying the same things they all say - I understand. Oh you have it so rough. She doesn't understand. You are so great. I love you so. Blah, blah, blah and just feeds the WH ego. Then he comes home and has to face reality of real life - money, house, work, bills, kids. He doesn't like real life and wants that fantasy world.

I told my WH I was fighting for him, our kids, and our family. I wasn't going to let some little fling ruin almost 15 years. So we are working on it. I know my story is not the same and I have read enough on these forums to know that sometimes it doesn't go in that direction.

Hang in there. Cry, sleep, eat, pray, and figure out what you want. Ill be praying for you.

Theradin posted 4/27/2013 14:02 PM

Unfortunately, this situation is all too common. It happened with me. My WW said she didn't want to "give up" her AP.

At the time, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't on, I didn't have books, I basically had to just go off how I felt (which was really fucked up in such a traumatic state, BTW).

Knowing what I know now, the Healing Library, the 180, etc. I wouldn't tolerate that for one second. If the situation were to have started NOW, now that I know how to respond to an A, I would have given her an ultimatum. Either you NC immediately, or you leave the house and I file for D. No middle ground, no negotiation. Period!

If you think about it, right now, you are at the mercy of the man who has emotionally abused and traumatized you. You do not deserve to be at his mercy. You should be in full control and charge of your life, your mind and your heart. Tell him YOU need time to figure out what you want, and in the meantime, there is surely a Motel 6 down the road that he and his AP can stay at. I hear the cockroaches make good company in those hotels.

It's tough, but you have to take a tough stance and show him you will not tolerate the abuse toward you and your family. If he can't accept that, then in a way, he has already answered how he feels about you and his family unit.

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