SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So D-Day was a bit ago, I just confronted. Though it turns out this latest affair was prompted by the knowledge I would discover the 2008 ONS that happened after I send separation papers because of the first affair I'm proceeding with D. STBXH is being great, accepting responsibility and saying I can have custody, relocate, etc. All my family is in SoCal so the thought is to return there although that would mean finding a new job and asking my boss to recommend me, which might burn some bridges at work.

Here's the problem. We are contracted to buy a new house being built for us and there is 11K down we wouldn't get back. I have a great job and could just manage to pay the payments and STBXH would let me keep the savings to use but I don't know if I should give it up and look into moving to SoCal or take advantage of the already 100K+ in equity, which would keep me up here a while. I could have STBXH find his own place or even live in a room (his credit is messed up from the child support thing so he may not be able to get an apartment). I don't know whether taking my son a couple hundred miles from his father is best for him. Have to decide soon cause the more built the house is the more they can go after us for liquidated damages. Thoughts?

[This message edited by careerlady at 12:05 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

My advice is to think long-term here. That house might be feeling like a burden before long. You don't want to be tied down by real estate when family support is what you need. He also may not be so willing to let you move away further down the road if you change your mind and fighting it in court could easily cost you $11K. I'd consider the $11K a sunk cost and take advantage of his agreeability to leave.

are you in an area that the housing market is good or bad? Could you effectively "move in" and then turn around to sell so you can get back home without throwing away all the invested money and perhaps start new with the money you make from a sale?

It's a good market. i don't know how iron clad but they said not allowed to sell for a year

You're right a year is seeming long to be stuck and could be longer if I struggle to sell. Think I will cut my losses

don't throw good money after bad. The $11,000 is a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of feeling trapped. If there are new homes being built in the same area as this one you'd be competing with those when you sell.

Plus, if you leave the area you won't feel so responsible for helping STBX to find living quarters. That is his consequence to bear.

Exactly. And it's not an $11,000 loss to you since you'd split it evenly with STBXWH, right? So you're looking at $5,500, which is a rounding error.

Where do you want to live? That's what I'd focus on. Don't consider the sunk cost of the house.

or even live in a room

when i read this i think i threw up in the back of my mouth a little. uh uh. no way. stick a fork in you now, you will wish you had later.

my gut? get away from him while you can. it's true that in a few months, he could start shit and not allow it (which is really easy to do in a D). don't take a chance that you'll get stuck there. they get way less remorseful once they give up trying to milk it. you piss him off once and he forbids you to move just out of spite. happens all the time.

i can see why you don't want to let this go, financially speaking, especially with the 100K equity. here's the thing...you know you can't bank on anything. a year stuck there on chickens unhatched? even if trouble seems like a long shot now, it's happened to a lot of unsuspecting people.

given the way you'd described things, i think what you will gain from being with your real life support group and home court in SoCal will be huge, and way more relief than any cash in the bank. can you go for a visit, just to see how you feel?

MOVE!!! I wish I had NOT taken the house. I am stuck with XH playing mind games with my children - weekly--and all of our family is 4 states away.

You can fly your XH out to see your son regularly if you feel so inclined. In your D, you might have to agree to letting him be with his Dad most of the summer. This is why I didn't move, I was scared of that. But, what Dad is really going to do this? He'll still be paying you child support and he'll be working, etc etc. Most likely he'll have your son 2 weeks in the summer and be ready for him to come back to you....

Suggestion:

My XH and I had bought a house in a new subdivision and put $7,000 down. We relocated before it was finished. We ended up getting $5,500 back. Turns out, there were laws about them keeping the money. By law, they could keep it only if they had a "loss" on the property. It sold for more than what we were under contract for, so they had to reimburse it, less administrative fees. This was in Arizona so your state may be different.

I would read the fine print and look into the laws in your state regarding this. They sure were not happy when I sent a letter requesting our refund now that the house had sold...

Good luck.

[This message edited by LisaP at 11:30 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

If you want to move to be closer to your family and they can help you with your children then do it.

If I had the choice I would rather be 1000 km or more away from my xwh.

I would also do it now while he is 'agreeable' to you moving, but get it in writing from him. Once they come out of the fog or the AP gets involved it can become very messy very quickly.

Thanks all. I'm giving it up. I think it was me holding onto hope and being passive.

I would walk away from it too, careerlady. Move quickly on getting stuff in writing while he is feeling guilty. They always change their tune.