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Standing on the edge, why can't I jump?

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CheaterMagnet posted 4/27/2013 12:37 PM

So you all know I've been doing In-House S for about a month now.

Yesterday a friend offered me his condo for 6 weeks (he is one of only 3 people IRL who know what is going on) at a very reasonable rent. I can move in next Friday.

Why am I hesitating? SAWH isn't going to do what I need. Just yesterday he told me that he didn't feel like anything he did would ever be enough for me. (Way to set yourself up for failure asshat!) Funny, my requirement is only that he re-acknowledge his SA and get into a program! Online or by phone! He doesn't even have to meet anyone FTF. But he won't. He throws me crumbs by reading his AA Big Book. He is still willing to help me buy a car.

Why am I hesitating to commit to the condo? Why am I sitting here NOT telling SAWH that I will be leaving in a week. Why can I not take this step????

I know there is no hope. I know he isn't going to do what I need him to do and even if he did, there is still the fact that MIL, FIL and SIL are ALL still friends with OW.

I need somebody to give me a push off the edge.

PurpleRose posted 4/27/2013 12:43 PM


Just do it. It IS scary. But it is SOOO fucking awesome on the other side, I promise.

You can do it.

Take2 posted 4/27/2013 13:04 PM

Have you consulted a lawyer? Is there any harm where you or in your situation with leaving the "family home"?

The only other issue there is what do you do after the six weeks? Still it would give you a feel and be a baby step toward living alone.

If you know there is no hope... Well, I won't push you -- but I'm on the sidelines yelling "Jump~!"

hexed posted 4/27/2013 13:09 PM


do it. make it clear that its a 6 week vacation. you are not abandoning the marital home. That way he can't get you on a legal technicality.

30 days of NC was the thing that changed everything for me. I needed it so badly.

CheaterMagnet posted 4/27/2013 14:50 PM

Thanks guys! Of course another complication popped up. My DD wants to come spend the weekend with us. We haven't seen her in a few weeks and she's going through some stuff and needs some "Mom and Pop" time.

I can't discuss moving with her here. She doesn't need the trauma and it isn't fair to put her in the middle. I will have to wait until Sunday night. We are supposed to go buy my car today (if the seller cooperates) so that will make that easier too.

Fingers crossed for me please!!!! Will someone please hold my hand and jump with me? It's less scary that way.

Take2 posted 4/27/2013 15:01 PM

I'm already down here on level ground, but there is a bunch of us here - we can hold the sides of the blanket! Jump!

Nature_Girl posted 4/27/2013 17:42 PM

There's lots of us who have jumped. You'll be okay.

stretch13 posted 4/27/2013 19:55 PM

you know, when i finally jumped i almost cracked my teeth because the ground was so much closer than i expected. all that fretting and worrying and fear of the abysmal heights and uncertainties of what was "down there" in that blurry, scary dark for me was the biggest part of the struggle. it was all a very convincing drama and i was so embroiled that i never saw the reality coming.

had it been a little lighter out, i would have realized that by the time i was "as ready as i'd ever be" i could have just stepped off and walked away. i still had lots of healing to do and life wasn't easy. but as far as the moment i made the decision, i ended up almost embarrassed that i'd been so scared. i realized that all my misery and anxiety lie not in life alone, but in trying to make a decision

at some point, it all boils down to this quote:

Any decision is better than no decision.

will moving out kill you? get you fired? is your food supply at risk? is there more than a 50% chance you could end up destitute and homeless?

i don't know if any of this makes sense to you or not, but take a chance. what have you really got to lose? nothing. even your hope is depressing you by now.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 7:58 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

HurtButHopeful? posted 4/27/2013 23:09 PM

he told me that he didn't feel like anything he did would ever be enough for me

Wow. I've heard that one enough. It is a way to make you feel guilty for how they made you feel by their actions.
I need somebody to give me a push off the edge.
I can't help you with that. I don't know when to quit either. That isn't in my upbringing.

I can tell you that I know how difficult it is to love someone and be hurt by them, and still be hopeful. You will leave when you really have had enough, and only you know when (if) that time has come. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up. You should have never been put in a situation where you would even consider renting a condo.


fraeuken posted 4/28/2013 00:22 AM

While sitting in a lovely theater setting....., I have to say taking care of my friend's house for five weeks while doing in-house separation saved my sanity. I made it very clear I was helping a friend and got her to write me an email confirming that I was house sitting for her. It gave me the distance and peace I needed regain some strength. It was easier to get my thoughts straight than with him, his smell, his sounds around.

Safeguard posted 4/28/2013 04:43 AM

When you've been traumatized,change and unfamiliar places, feels like the last thing you need.

Your post just brought back nasty memories of how panicky I would get at the though of a weekend, (or even just one night!), away from home. I was afraid to leave because I felt xwbf would have ow in my home! I am SO glad, we are no longer together!

I also remember forcing myself to "jump" though, and it was SOooooo good for me, once I just got past that fear. Just do it. what is the worst thing that could happen? You might enjoy the lack of tension? :)

[This message edited by Safeguard at 4:44 AM, April 28th (Sunday)]

tesla posted 4/28/2013 08:16 AM

Here's the are afraid of the unknown. As long as you stay in the house, you know what is going to happen. What is happening is shitty...but hey, you know what is happening. It gives you this strange sense of security.

Moving out starts a chain of events that you don't know the outcome for. Start thinking about what you want. D, right? Then someboday has to leave the marital home. Do you want it to be you or him? If you don't mind leaving...then take this golden opportunity. Use it to detach and get the D going. Use it for you. Fuck that guy and his 'nothing I do is good enough' bullshit.

With-holding things from, I presume, a grown daughter, only makes it worse for her...btw. Pretending that everything is ok this weekend just to drop the bomb on her next is unfair.

CM, have you seen a L yet? If not, please see one. Getting some info and a plan together will help alleviate those fears.

Oh -- and this parachute I have here. Been used by many of us in D/S. We've even all signed the parachute to show that we've all made it
Lots of people pulling for you, CM. You can do this.

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