Still some things about being married haunt me and I'm told will take a long while to go away.
This subject came up periodically during M and if any on feels like replying, it would really help me-its an area where I don't have a lot of validation and makes me squeamish.
Throughout our M, STBXH would stare at other women when we went out together. This was as early as being teenagers and as recently as this past winter, during false F. That was particularly strange, because it would fluxuate from outing to outing-so that he would do it one time but I would also notice him really going to great length to not notice women, so that I knew he did.
Now on the other side of the M fence, I see that it should have been a red flag? but I was very young and naivly believed he was this super human charmer-that's his persona.
Anyway, when I would try to talk to him about it, each time he was angry and agitated and made excuses about looking at other things. It became something of an art, but really, its such a blatantly obvious thing someone does that it became a clue to how stupid he thought I was/am.
Looking back when I am stronger is helping in some strange ways, to see that this is a person who made an imaage of himself for me and the world to see, a persona, who, in reality, is not who really is there.
Some of the literature online for sex addition have five out of six pegs that he fits and it makes me sad but glad as well to realize that it may just have happened at some point anyway? That he couldn't have hid it his entire life and truly, though I worked like a dog to exhaustion, I think he would have kind of...erupted with it...anyway?
We got married so young that it never occurred to me to look at the stats of his large family more, or to view the core beliefs we both had more, but when a spouse hides so much about himself, his truest needs he or she does not tell, how in the world can a spouse help or work with that?
Again, many thanks.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.