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why separation?

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meplustwo posted 4/27/2013 14:13 PM

So, I'm doing my first NC, 180 day, so the are lots of things running through my head today. Why separation? What will that do for me? Is it just a long slow painful death of the marriage, or can it actually lead to R in the future? won't my 180 just make their relationship stronger, or will it push it to its inevitable conclusion? Will he see what a catch I am, or let me go for some fleeting sexual excitement with a home-wrecking, totally incompatible with him, whore? And, sorry if this is TMI, but I love having sex with him. How do I stop? I have a b.o.b., but it isn't the same...sorry if I'm rambling, but I feel like when I have time to sit and think, all these conflicting thoughts and fears enter my mind...

FaithFool posted 4/27/2013 15:22 PM

He said that he is not and he didn't know what he wants. He thoghut he loved this woman, but he isn't happy like he thought he would be. I told him I would give him until our anniversary (July 3) to either make a definate plan to reconcile or I was filing for divorce.

Hi MPT, I gather from your profile ^^^^ that he is currently in cake-eating mode? He didn't get the warm fuzzies he was expecting from his new lurrv? Trouble in unicorn-skittles land?? Awww, poor muffin!

Screw him! You need to find and wear what we call your Bitch Boots. You should be angry!

Why are you the one moving?

And why are you giving him so much time to decide while you wait on the sidelines?

File now. Talk later.

Big hugs. Separation/180 is the best wakeup call there is...

And stop having sex with him, get tested for STDs. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It totally sucks.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 3:26 PM, April 27th (Saturday)]

roughroadahead posted 4/27/2013 15:27 PM

The purpose of NC or 180 is for youn to focus on yourself. It is not about him at all, or what effect it will have on him. It is not about whether he will see what a catch you are. I don't know your story, but I assume you're taking this route because you're not getting what you need for R.

Separation is not conducive to R generally. Separation should be you enforcing a boundary. He is not giving you what you need for R, and you aren't going to accept him cake-eating. You are closing the bakery.

Spend the time healing yourself and detaching from him. Find things you like to do that maybe you couldn't do in your M. A couple of great books for the newly S are "getting past your break up" and "from abandonment to healing"

Worth repeating: turn the focus away from him and back to yourself.

Nature_Girl posted 4/27/2013 16:42 PM

I think you need to work with a counselor to figure out where your head is in all this. Forget about him for the time being, he clearly doesn't give a rip about you already anyway. You need to figure out why you're willing to be treated so horribly, why you're coddling him along like he's some all-powerful SuperBaby who has to have a wife and a mistress and needs MONTHS to decide which piece of ass he likes better.

He made vows to you. He's broken them. Trust me when I say that you're not going to be feeling good about yourself if you continue to try and out-screw the whore. You can't out-sex her, you can't screw him back into a relationship with you.

Get your head on straight.

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